2011: Week 2 Blog vs. Week 3 Robo-Blog!

I’ll bet you all thought I wouldn’t be back.  Well, shame on you.  I’m just adjusting to my new-found winning ways – if by ‘adjusting’, one means, ‘realizing I’ve scored the 2^nd least points in the league this far and am living on borrowed time’. 

Suffice to say, I’m excited about my impending 4-game losing streak.

As you are all painfully aware, I left <former job> last April to start <new job> in which I was farmed out to <current job> – it’s all very confusing.  It can’t be possible to understate that there is no equivalent experience to working with Jeremy, and then all of a sudden not working with Jeremy.  Or Carl, Former Crusty League Member, for that matter.  As any longtime reader of my blog can attest, Carl has taken his fair share of shots on these pages until he unceremoniously quit the league because he missed the keeper deadline a couple years back.  Since then, the blog has clearly suffered, as no one in the league is quite….well…..short as Carl.  For instance, no one else is at risk for being carried off by predatory birds, and fed to lil’ predatory bird-lings. 

That entire paragraph was just me getting that out of my system.  We miss you, Carl.

Anyhow, during football season Tuesday mornings were always relegated to Jeremy, myself, and other associated league members insulting one another, wrangling for trades, or discussing exactly what sport Kyran thought we were playing.  Now, that’s all dead – done – gone.  Jeremy and I have tried to keep it up via text, but it isn’t the same – and largely it’s because the spell check on the IPhone is out-of-freaking-control, leading to exchanges like this:

Me: Your team sucks.

Jeremy: Haha, brontosaurus, your team skunks!

Me: You are going to Winifred murder five grapes this year.

Jeremy: I don’t know what you just salad.

Me: You wanna trade for Germ Macaroni?

Jeremy: Purple carpel rutabaga engine block!

Me: ?

That being said, I do appreciate the fact that the IPhone has learned to capitalize ‘Doosh’ automatically, out of respect.  Still, I wistfully long for the old days, when I was making less money but got to hear Jeremy scream, “HuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!” at random times during the day with no warning.  It was a good trade off.

We all know the records, right?  Since this is a Week 2/ Week 3 mega-blog, I don’t know if I really need to type them all out.  Suffice to say, some folks lost, some folks won, some were happy, some were sad, etc . etc.

 

Week 2 Weekly Brilliance:

-          Jeremy, for picking up Scott Chandler off the waiver-wire scrap heap and starting him at TE to the tune of 9 points, when Vernon Davis was what I thought was the only real advantage I had (3 points.  Fuck you, Vernon).

-          Seth and Aaron, for starting Darren Sproles (19 points).  I probably would not have done this, and yes, it does occur to me that I’m probably not equipped to hand out awards like this.  Start your own damn league.

-          Kyran, for starting Nate Burleson to the tune of 16 points.  Yes, he didn’t have any other viable options, but I can be a nice guy – right?

-          Mike, for starting Tony Gonzalez for 27 points after I referred to him as “Grandpa Tony” during our draft.  Again, I just work here.

Let’s give it to Kyran, who I suspect will not sniff this section for the rest of the season.

Week 2 Fuck-up:

-          Rex, for starting Hines Ward (7 points) instead of Santonio Holmes (13 points). 

-          Kyran, for having CJ Spiller as your #2 RB.  No, I still can’t get past it.  I just can’t.

-          Steve J. for starting LaDanian Tomlison for 1 point.  What is this, 2006?

-          Me, for my whole team.  Just all of it.

We’ll give this one to Kyran, just to be cute about it.

Week 3 Weekly Brilliance:

-          Not even going to go here.  Too many screw-ups to get to.

Winner: No one.

Week 3 Fuck-up:

-          Mike, for starting Mario Manningham, who didn’t play because he was injured.  He was listed as ‘doubtful’ on Friday, so, uh, way to be, Mike.  Maybe ease up on all your Euro-trash shit and pay attention a bit.

-          Rex, for starting Beanie Wells to the tune of 0 points – ‘cause he didn’t play either.  Not as egregious as Mike’s offense since Wells actually was a legit game time decision at 4:15 and it was a bit of a surprise he didn’t play – but still………

-          Steve K. for getting cute and starting Cam Newton for 17 points, leaving Joe Flacco (44 points) and Eli Manning (36 points) on his bench.  Oh, and, for having 3 QB’s.  Doosh.

Is there any doubt?  Mike takes this one in a landslide.  It wasn’t even close.  Everyone who had a vote (me) was unanimous (again, me). 

 

ALL PLAY thru Week 3

And here’s the All-Play record through Week 3:

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	Actual Record
Price Check on Vagiclean	27	5	1	3-0
Better Lucky Than Good	25	7	1	2-1
Beertap Hooters	22	11	0	2-1
The Sh*tBirds	19	13	1	2-1
No UR Gay!	18	15	0	1-2
Googley Eyes	17	16	0	2-1
Mike Vick’s Kibbles and Bits	16	17	0	1-2
AutoReply: Out of Office	14	19	0	1-2
BradyIsBieber!	13	19	1	1-2
Show Me Your TD’s!	12	20	1	1-2
Christopher Walken Cowbells	9	23	1	2-1
Munich Beerswillers	3	30	0	0-3

 

Sing it with me – one of these things, doesn’t belong……..

What do we learn from this?  That Steve K. is magic.  That no matter what he does, no matter who is injured, no matter what year it is – he’s close to the top.  Magic.

Trade Review

Beeeeeep!  Alert!  We had a trade!  While again I reiterate I have never won anything in this league and in fact am historically one of the more underperforming members – that’s never stopped me before.

This week, league bottom-feeder Kyran and serial penis-smacker Ryan synched up for the following transaction:

Kyran trades Matt Schaub , Chad Ochocinco and a tube of heat-activated anal lube to Ryan.

Ryan trades Mike Vick, Shonn Greene and every last shred of dignity to Kyran.

See if you can guess who I think came out on top.

New Stuff

I’ve also come up with some nifty metrics that I wanted to share, tied to some new awards.  This largely stems from Steve K. whining to me about the time 3 years ago when he lost to the high score around 4 times in the course of one season and I haven’t been able to get him to shut up about it since then. 

So, we have two new awards, but they will not be given out every week as explained below:

The “Poor Schmuck” Award: Given to a team in a week in which they score the second highest points – but lose to the high score. 

The “Lucky Asshole” Award: Given to the team in a week in which they score the second lowest points – but beat the low score.

And for all that hoopla – this hasn’t actually happened yet as of Week 3.  But I’m watching!

In addition to that – and this stems from Jeremy’s endless moaning about how he’s always scoring the most points but never winning and can’t someone just please help him open this clam with his bare feet – I wanted to try and find a way to calculate ‘lucky’ on a weekly basis.  I came up with basically a simple ratio: dividing the total points so far allowed into the total points scored per team.  The bigger the number, the larger the difference in their points for and points against – hence, the ‘luckiest’.  I’ve posted the results below, again next to the actual records:

Name                                                    ‘Luckiness’                                          Record

Name	‘Luckiness’	Record
George Vaginitis	1.31	3-0
Jeremy:	1.11	2-1
Rex:	1.11	2-1
Steve K:	1.1	2-1
Ryan:	1.05	2-1
Me:	1.01	2-1
Josh:	0.97	1-2
Steve J:	0.94	1-2
Aaron and Seth:	0.91	1-2
Kyran:	0.87	1-2
David:	0.85	1-2
Mike:	0.79	0-3

Well there you have it – the ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots’ , neatly separated.  Of course, one might argue that luck isn’t all of it; obviously, the more points you score the better chance you have to get a better ‘Luckiness’ stat.  However, that does not explain why George Vaginitis, while in fact scoring the third most points of anyone, has only the 2^nd least points scored against him.  Who has the least, you may ask? 

Why that’d be me.  Buckle up, bitches.  I’m gonna win this thing.

 

2011, Week 1: Son of Blog

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

RESULTS:

Christopher Walken Cowbells (1-0) obliterates Munich Beerswillers (0-1), 134 – 112

No UR Gay! managed to stop slap-fighting long enough to beat Show me ur TD’s!, 129 – 124, in the “Ill-placed Exclamation Point Bowl 2011″.

The Sh*tBirds defeated Better Lucky Than Good, 176-143 to open up their title defense in manly fashion. 

Price Check on Vagiclean demolished Beertap Hooters, 134-110. 

Mike Vick’s Kibbles N’ Bits destroyed BradyIsBeiber! BieberIsBrady!, 130 – 115.  Josh, change your team name.  I demand it.  I’m not typing this shit all season.

Googley Eyes beat AutoReply: Out of Office 165-133.

Weekly Brilliance

- Me, for picking up the 49ers defense and counting on Tavaris Jackson being Tavaris Jackson, to the tune of 24 points

- TD’s, for starting Tomlison over Ingram for 14 points (vs. Ingram’s 4) in a move that I would’ve easily ridiculed pre-game (which is one reason why I’m an idiot.)

- GAY, for not blinking and starting Reggie Wayne despite the impending Kerry Collins horror-show. 

- Vagiclean, for starting Nate Burleson (13 points) when….actually, scratch this.  He has nothing better on his bench.  Burleson is his legit #2.  Christ.

- Kibbles, for starting Ronnie Brown (0 points) but still managing to beat Santia.

- The whole league, for producing matchups like “On Vagiclean @ Hooters” and “UR TD’s @ GAY”.  Well done, league.  Well done indeed.

Let’s go ahead and give this initial one to me, in the hopes it’ll defy all conventional logic and spur me to my first ever league championship.

Weekly Fuckup

- Kibbles, for starting Ronnie Brown at RB.  This combined with his presence in the good move list will hopefully create a singularity that’ll swallow up his whole team.

- Bieber, for starting Bradford at QB against……wait, he only has one QB?  Change this to: Santia, for only having one QB.  You can’t trade with Kyran?  He’s got three!

- Jainchills, for having to start James Starks.  OK, so this is a reach, I admit, but in year six, we only have a couple clearly identifiable dummies in the league, so I have to round this out somehow.

I’m going to give this one to Josh, the idea being that I already penalized Kyran for his historically bad draft in my draft review and anything more would feel – well, cheap.

All-Play

You guys know the drill – the All Play is a running, not-so-constant feature that I do when I don’t want to write a blog but still want to placate you whining nitwits.  However, as a sign of my unending committment to you, I am adding it as a weekly feature to the blog – that is, so long as I actually do it. 

For those unfamiliar, the All-Play is simple: week to week, I simply calculate a record of 11 games based on each team’s scores – basically treating it like a true roto-league, in which every team ‘plays’ every other team.  In a perfect world, these cummulative records would exactly mirror the weekly standings. 

But they don’t.  And that’s what makes it possible to talk to Jeremy at any point in the week, about anything, and have him say random things like, “You know I’ve scored the 3rd most points in the league up until this point and I’m 3-3!  What the FUCK??” as he sobs into a frilly pink hanky while frantically shoving frozen breakfast sausage patties into his gaping pie-hole. 

So here it is, for Week 1:

Team	Total Score	Wins	Losses	Ties
The Sh*tBirds	176	11	0	0
Googley Eyes	165	10	1	0
Better Lucky Than Good	143	9	2	0
Christopher Walken Cowbells	134	7	3	1
Price Check on Vagiclean	134	7	3	1
AutoReply: Out of Office	133	6	5	0
Mike Vick’s Kibbles and Bits	130	5	6	0
No UR Gay!	129	4	7	0
Show Me Your TD’s!	124	3	8	0
BradyIsBieber!	115	2	9	0
Munich Beerswillers	112	1	10	0
Beertap Hooters	110	0	11	0

 

Interesting Trends

I can’t tell you how many times I was ready to put someone on the FuckUp of the Week list because I saw a QB on their bench that put up 30+, only to find out their starting QB did the same thing.  It appears that of the 32 starting QB’s in the league, around 27 of them threw for over 300 yards this week.  Ben Roethlisberger, my QB, was not among those numbers.  And Kyran, that doesn’t mean that drafting 3 was a good idea.  Josh, also not a good idea to only draft one.  I’m just sayin’.

Not working at <place I used to work> anymore, there is a bit of a sense of loss since I am no longer bombarded with retardiation (a made up word!) at a nuclear-meltdown level from Jeremy every day.  Ryan left a couple years back, so there was loss then as well, as he would no longer stop by my cube on Tuesday morning, resplendent in his pasties, attempting to grind up on me as I tried to fix the latest production outage. 

Ah, the good times.

Suffice to say, this may make for a slightly disjointed season, as my main means of communication with the rest of the league will be via email and text, and quite frankly it’s difficult to sort through all your spelling errors and grammatical screwery.  Jeremy texted me earlier saying someone offered to trade him someone for ‘bees’.  “Bees??”, I replied – I know our league rules are complex but I didn’t recall putting that rule in there.

“I’ll trade you Robert Meachem for Reggie Bush!”

“I need more than that!”

“What about a hive of BEES, mother fucker?”

“I do like honey…..”

Brees, of course.  Brees. 

So I’m going to count on all of you to notify me of any serious screw ups this year, since I won’t be present to view them myself.  And Jeremy, kick (former league member Crusty) Carl for me.  It’s the least you can do.

Until next week,

The Commish

Year Six: Draft Review

2011 BGTD League Draft Review

“The Draft of Douch”

Welcome, one and all, to the sixth season of the BGTD Fantasy Football League, and welcome to the annual Draft Review!

Given that the Draft Review last year was just about the only thing I wrote about the league and all the gooballs that inhabit it, I’ll forgive your surprise that I actually managed to pull this one off.  But I’ve turned over a new leaf!  So help me, I’ll write something every week even if it’s just a grocery list, or a “Greatest Hits” compilation of all the stupid things Jeremy has said/done over the past 5 years.

This year, for what I believe is the first time ever, we return the entire league – so I won’t repeat the introductions I did last year (for those, see http://bgtdffl.wordpress.com/2010/09/16/250/).  This is good for a couple reasons, paramount among them because last year we had 4 new folks in the league: Kyran, George Vaginitis, Steve J. and Mike.  As they were new, I was timid about saying nasty things about them, like “Steve J’s head looks like a giant misshapen tennis ball” or “Kyran smells and drafts like a rutabaga”.  Part of the shtick here, you see, is to insult the league members, and when I’m down to only 8 of 12 options….well, it’s a little restrictive.  Such is not the case this year, I assure you.  I do this, of course, with the affection a caring parent may have for their one-legged, retarded hamster.  Come here, you lil’ hamsters!  Give the Commish a hug!

Note that, as always (or at least since Ryan couldn’t get a job), only first names will be used, to ensure gainful employment opportunities for one and all.  Nothing like going to an interview and being asked why there’s a site out on the InterWeb claiming you are a serial nasal-raper.  That’s a total downer, for sure.

So let’s set the scene, shall we?

Per the usual procedure, I had thrown out several dates way back in June for folks to chime in about as possible dates for the draft.  Every year this seems to catch people by surprise.  Yes, we draft each year, everyone.

Selecting a date is difficult because at this particular time of the year, half the league is still chasing their broken, busted-up boyhood dream of being a legitimate athlete/heterosexual man by competing in their local slow-pitch softball league (or, in the case of some of the league members who have no wishes to be with their families, ever, 5 or 6 slow-pitch softball leagues).  I don’t know a ton about softball, but from what I understand it works this way: some guy tosses a giant ball underhanded towards home plate, where some other guy jacks it over the fence, and then jogs around the bases.  Repeat this ad-infinitum, and somehow eventually the game ends with a score of 167-120.  Enthralling stuff – right up there with T-Ball.

We have two guys who are legitimately unable to make it due to where they live, so I made the mistake (once the date was selected) of volunteering to host it in an on-line fashion instead of having folks phone in and do it off-line.  Predictably, this resulted in at least 3 more guys who had previously committed to coming to the draft immediately bailing out and deciding to draft at home, because they are, for a lack of a better word, dicks.

The problem with the online draft in a keeper league is that keepers are immediately drafted for you in rounds 1-2, which doesn’t work for us since our league is way too complicated for that, and, in related news, I hate myself.

So, we had to scrap the keeper setup altogether and agree that we wouldn’t be morons and we would let the owners of the keepers draft them in the appropriate round, thinking this would stop anyone from looking at the draft list and saying, “Wait a minute, it’s round 8 and Jamaal Charles is still around and no one has noticed!  What a bunch of assholes!  I’m taking him!”.  This, of course, resulted in Jamaal Charles being drafted roughly 27 times by different people (including his rightful owner, 4 rounds too early).  I’m not making this up, and none of you should be surprised.

Although we were set to start at 6:30, we had a record 3 members of the league who logged in late due to ‘traffic’ (code for what I imagine is, “I picked up a tranny at a stoplight”).  It seems that the indignation of the rest of the league is inversely proportional to the apathy of the folks who don’t make it on time; the longer we wait, the more enraged everyone becomes until there are legitimate calls for a hit to be put out.  I am slightly more patient, knowing that if we wait for Kyran, it’s 100% likely a solid player will fall to me because he screwed up.  Cue diabolical laugh.

So that sets the table.  Off we go!

Round 1

	Team	Pick
1	David	Arian Foster
2	Kyran	Calvin Johnson
3	Ryan	Adrian Peterson
4	George	Chris Johnson
5	Mike	Maurice Jones-Drew
6	Steve J.	Andre Johnson
7	Seth and Aaron	Larry Fitzgerald
8	Rex	Aaron Rodgers
9	Josh	Roddy White
10	Steve K.	Greg Jennings
11	Me	Frank Gore
12	Jeremy	Drew Brees

 

Best Pick: A quick note to all of you familiar with FFL’s in general: we are a keeper league.  We can keep players drafted in round 4 or below and we lose that corresponding pick in the next year’s draft.  You’ll see (K) next to some picks here in rounds 4 and below, and that indicates the player is a keeper from the previous year (or often, 2 years ago).  Just a quick note so you don’t think this league is entirely inhabited by kindergarteners (when, in fact, they only a third of us read at that level).

Best Pick is always a tough one in the early rounds, as everyone drafts pretty much where they should (minus some obvious exceptions: see ‘Worst Pick’ below).   I suppose Chris Johnson at 4 is as good a pick as any at this point.  Suffice to say, we’re 4 picks into round 1 and apathy is already setting in.

Worst Pick: When Kyran picked Calvin Johnson with the 2^nd overall pick, I actually paused the draft to double check if he really meant Chris Johnson, so I did.  And, to his credit (or possible detriment) he indicated that, yes, indeed, he meant Calvin Johnson.  It was at this point that I realized Kyran was setting himself up for a truly legendary draft – something we’d all be talking about years later, like we talk about natural disasters, or antibiotic resistant gonorrhea.

Thoughts:  Ryan threw out the first insult of the night while prompting someone to draft quicker, calling this person a “Douch”.  I can only assume he meant “douche”, but this was excellent because everyone actually at the draft began calling each other “Douches”, pronounced “D-ouch-s”.  I’m thinking it actually makes a good formal title – kind of like, “Duke” or “Earl”.  I may actually refer to Ryan for the rest of my life as “Douch Ryan”.  It has a ring to it.

Round 2

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Steven Jackson
14	Me	Matt Forte
15	Steve K.	Miles Austin
16	Josh	DeSean Jackson
17	Rex	Michael Turner
18	Seth and Aaron	Felix Jones
19	Steve J.	DeAngelo Williams
20	Mike	Knowshon Moreno
21	George	Tom Brady
22	Ryan	Dwayne Bowe
23	Kyran	Matt Schaub
24	David	Philip Rivers

 

Best Pick: I have to tell you, I just about blew up in my pants when Matt Forte was there for me in the second round.  I’m giving this one to me, and maybe you’ll understand when my season is over by week 7 due to a combination of injuries and my own incompetence.  You’ll understand then, if you have a soul at all.

Worst Pick: There are some to choose from.  I think Knowshon Moreno is going to be a total bust, and I think Dwayne Bowe has no shot of repeating anywhere close to next year’s stats.  But Kyran seems to be insistent on sticking to the ever-popular “Draft Guys Three Rounds Ahead of Where You Could’ve Gotten Them” strategy.

Thoughts: Softball talk begins and I zone out.  Something about Jeremy’s team losing and Aaron’s team winning, and then everyone getting together afterwards to trade MatchBox cars or something.  Jeremy prefaced his Stephen Jackson pick with, “I have this guy every year and I hate him”.  I think it’s going to be a great season.

Round 3

	Team	Pick
1	David	Brandon Lloyd
2	Kyran	Brandon Marshall
3	Ryan	Jeremy Maclin
4	George	Marques Colston
5	Mike	Cedric Benson
6	Steve J.	Mark Ingram
7	Seth and Aaron	Reggie Wayne
8	Rex	Santonio Holmes
9	Josh	Wes Welker
10	Steve K.	DallasClark
11	Me	Percy Harvin
12	Jeremy	Jonathan Stewart

 

Best Pick: I like Josh’s pick of Wes Welker here.  Even though I’m reasonably sure he tried to take Ray Rice.

Worst Pick: Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne both go despite the fact that it was reported that Peyton Manning’s entire head rolled off his torso earlier in the day.  It will be interesting to see how well those players do with the immortal Kerry Collins chucking the ball on 3 weeks prep time in the Colts offense.

Thoughts: Kyran flies under the radar with a sneaky good pick of Brandon Marshall, and the world doesn’t implode.  Jeremy takes Jonathan Stewart, because anytime you can handcuff someone else’s running back in Round 3, that’s just a move you have to make.  The ‘cool factor’ of my team goes up exponentially now that I have someone named ‘Percy’ on it.

Round 4

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Kenny Britt
14	Me	Ben Roethlisberger
15	Steve K.	Jamaal Charles Steve Johnson
16	Josh	Sam Bradford
17	Rex	Beanie Wells
18	Seth and Aaron	Antonio Gates (K)
19	Steve J.	Tony Romo (K)
20	Mike	Mario Manningham
21	George	Ryan Matthews
22	Ryan	Shonn Greene
23	Kyran	CJ Spiller
24	David	Anquan Boldin

 

Best Pick: I have a massive man-crush on Kenny Britt going back to last season, so I think I have to give this one to Jeremy – taking him in round 4 makes him keeper eligible for next season.

Worst Pick: As a not-so-proud owner of Ryan Matthews and Shonn Greene last year, I probably would not have picked them until round 23.  Matthews will be injured, Greene stinks.

Thoughts: Steve K, although owning Jamaal Charles as a 9^th round keeper, ejaculates prematurely and takes him in the 4^th.  We begin the keepers now, which is great because up until this point I’ve been  typing them into the chat window (all 19 of them) each round to make sure no one takes them.  Sure.  Fuckin’ likely.

Round 5

	Team	Pick
1	David	Ray Rice (K)
2	Kyran	ChadOchocinco
3	Ryan	Tim Hightower
4	George	Jermichael Finley
5	Mike	Ray Rice what the FUCK!  Julio Jones
6	Steve J.	Mike Wallace (K)
7	Seth and Aaron	Matthew Stafford
8	Rex	Jason Witten
9	Josh	Jahvid Best (K)
10	Steve K.	Austin Collie
11	Me	VernonDavis
12	Jeremy	Malcolm Floyd

 

Best Pick: I think Tim Hightower could finish as a top 10 guy this year, so let’s give it to Marsee.  Have I mentioned, by the way, that “Best Pick” and “Worst Pick” are given out with no actual empirical thought except my own evaluation?  And did I also mention I won 4 games last year?  I just thought you should know.

Worst Pick:  Predictably, I hated Kyran’s pick of Ochocinco, but I think I hated Steve K.’s Collie pick more, only because the Colts are going to suck huge donkey balls this year.  Sorry, Mike.  It’s true.

Thoughts: At this point, Mike tries to take Ray Rice and then gets mad he can’t have him.  He also offers to chat, or ‘cyber’ with anyone who wants: the silence is deafening as we’re all pretty sure Mike is pantless.  More keepers come off the board, and I crack another blueberry beer – it’s kind of my thing.

Round 6

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Ahmad Bradshaw (K)
14	Me	Hakeem Nicks (K)
15	Steve K.	Fred Jackson
16	Josh	Reggie Bush
17	Rex	AJ Green
18	Seth and Aaron	Peyton Manning
19	Steve J.	Owen Daniels
20	Mike	Joseph Addai
21	George	Ryan Grant
22	Ryan	Pierre Garcon
23	Kyran	Josh Freeman
24	David	Sidney Rice

 

Best Pick: I liked Steve K’s pick here – not always that you can get a starting RB in round 6, even if it is for the Buffalo Bills.  Steve, still chastened from attempting to pick Jamaal Charles 4 rounds too early, has not said a word to anyone.  He may be crying.

Worst Pick: Ugh, where can I begin?  A lot of people shit the bed in this round.  Sidney Rice has probably the worst QB in the league throwing to him and the only good season he’s ever really had was Bret Farve’s miracle 2009 season.  Ryan Grant is not even the best RB on his team, but I forgive George because he’s rubbing pizza all over his chest by this point in the draft

Thoughts: .  Aaron left a couple rounds ago, but Seth is still compulsively texting him for approval, which probably mirrors any thousand times something similar has happened throughout their lives.  David, who is the only one sitting on the floor, starts building a train track out of Steve’s kids’ train supplies.  We just think it’s the cutest thing.

Round 7

	Team	Pick
1	David	Jimmy Graham
2	Kyran	Kellen Winslow
3	Ryan	Matt Ryan
4	George	Lee Evans
5	Mike	Kevin Kolb
6	Steve J.	Robert Meachem
7	Seth and Aaron	James Starks
8	Rex	Marshawn Lynch
9	Josh	Santana Moss
10	Steve K.	Joe Flacco
11	Me	Dez Bryant (K)
12	Jeremy	Marcedes Lewis

 

Best Pick: In a move highly unusual for the reserved Seth, he pulls down his pants and rubs his sack on George to celebrate his pick of Starks, a round after George foolishly drafted Grant.  I can’t say I disagree with the tactic; in fact, the whole league is nodding silently in approval.  Someone had to do it since Ryan is remote this year.

Worst Pick: These middle rounds are where championships are won, and it seems a majority of the league is just giving up at this point.  There is no tape I can come up with that would point to any factual basis to say that there is an iota of proof in any way that Kevin Kolb is any good.  I wanted to see how long I could make that sentence.  Both Jeremy and Kyran take bullshit tight ends.  But Lee Evans is going to be garbage this year, so George makes it two in a row, and is now neck and neck with Kyran for Worst Draft.  But don’t worry, true believers, I have a feeling Kyran has some more magic up his sleeves.

Thoughts: Steve K. has still not spoken since being roundly ridiculed for his earlier pick of Charles; this isn’t like him.  Jeremy demonstrates how to take one’s underwear off while still wearing one’s pants; we are duly impressed.  Suffice to say, there is drinking that is happening.

Round 8

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Steve Smith (CAR)
14	Me	Mike Tolbert
15	Steve K.	Eli Manning
16	Josh	Steelers D/ST
17	Rex	Pierre Thomas
18	Seth and Aaron	Vincent Jackson (K)
19	Steve J.	Brandon Jacobs
20	Mike	Michael Crabtree
21	George	Mike Sims-Walker
22	Ryan	Greg Olsen
23	Kyran	Ronnie Brown
24	David	Jordy Nelson

 

Best Pick: Is it odd that upon reviewing this round, I don’t like any of the picks at all?  That being said, I’ll give it to me because I think Tolbert will outproduce Matthews (again) this year.  I

Worst Pick: Kyran battles back and takes Ronnie Brown, almost daring George to break the kicker seal next round.  I’m convinced that Kyran thought that Ronnie Brown still started forMiami when he made this move – and, that it was 2007.

Thoughts: I believe it was at this point that Josh made a pick of someone else’s keeper (shock!) and then got up and went to pee (masturbate furiously).  I had backed his pick up but by the time he came back he had auto-picked.  He asked to back up again, but the league reacted as if he was the shoe bomber so I had no choice; poor Josh.  That said, awkward time to rub one out (although that, plus our actual physical presence, has not stopped Steve J. who has roughed up the suspect 4 times while sitting right next to me.  Awkward.)

Round 9

	Team	Pick
1	David	Jay Cutler
2	Kyran	Colt McCoy
3	Ryan	Ryan Torain
4	George	Michael Bush
5	Mike	Plaxico Burress
6	Steve J.	Donald Driver
7	Seth and Aaron	Danny Woodhead
8	Rex	Kyle Orton
9	Josh	Rashard Mendenhall (K)
10	Steve K.	Brandon Pettigrew
11	Me	Danny Amendola
12	Jeremy	Lance Moore

 

Best Pick: As much as I love lil’ Danny Woodhead, George decides to throw the ‘Worst Draft’ title by taking Michael Bush, which is a great pick given how likely it is McFadden misses games.

Worst Pick: Rex takes Kyle Orton as we all become desperate for backup quarterbacks, but Kyran’s pick of Colt McCoy takes the cake, if only because it’s his third quarterback and we only start one.  We are witnessing history.

Thoughts: Steve J. has fallen asleep; I’m trying to keep him from leaning on me because I can’t breathe.  The draft is actually moving rather quickly now, but I’m sure someone will fuck something up shortly to slow it back down.

Round 10

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Willis McGahee
14	Me	Donovan McNabb
15	Steve K.	LeSean McCoy (K)
16	Josh	Daniel Thomas
17	Rex	Braylon Edwards
18	Seth and Aaron	Darren Sproles
19	Steve J.	DeMarco Murray
20	Mike	Tony Gonzalez
21	George	Aaron Hernandez
22	Ryan	Rob Gronkowski
23	Kyran	Anthony Armstrong
24	David	Bernard Berrian

 

Best Pick: I love both George and Ryan’s picks of theNew England tight ends, so they can share this one.  I think one of them will lead the team in receiving, and the other in touchdowns.

Worst Pick: Tempted to hand this one to Mike for taking Good Ol’ Tony Gonzalez in his 36th year while both aforementionedNew England tight ends were on the board, but anytime a player drafted causes a round of “Who’s that?” or “Was that a mistaken” or “Is that guy playing?” – as Kyran’s pick of completely unknown Anthony Armstrong did – it’s almost required by me to assign it Worst Pick.

Thoughts: I don’t have any because I’m only 130 pounds and I’m two blueberry beers down.  Ok, fine.  140.  145, then.  Fuck you.

Round 11

	Team	Pick
1	David	Zach Miller
2	Kyran	Ravens D/ST
3	Ryan	Jacoby Ford
4	George	Nate Burleson
5	Mike	Matt Cassel
6	Steve J.	Packers D/ST
7	Seth and Aaron	Mike Thomas
8	Rex	Hines Ward
9	Josh	Jared Cook
10	Steve K.	Jets D/ST
11	Me	Greg Little
12	Jeremy	Thomas Jones

 

Best Pick: Hines Ward at this point is good value – I don’t care how old he is, he’s going to have a couple good games.

Worst Pick: Everyone at this point is almost a flier, so it’s hard to say.  I’m going to give it to anyone who took a defense in a league in which defenses very rarely score above 15 points.   I know, Josh broke the seal a couple rounds ago, but I want to get this finished.

Thoughts: Despite the fact that we are only about an hour in, anytime someone takes longer than 20 seconds to make a pick people become downright hostile.  I’m sure at some point we all liked one another, but I think we made a wrong turn somewhere.  I’m crying a bit about that, inside.

Round 12

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Eagles D/ST
14	Me	Delone Carter
15	Steve K.	Jamaal Charles (K)
16	Josh	Johnny Knox
17	Rex	BlaineGabbert
18	Seth and Aaron	Ben Tate
19	Steve J.	LaDainian Tomlinson
20	Mike	Todd Heap
21	George	Steve Breaston
22	Ryan	Emmanuel Sanders
23	Kyran	Jacquizz Rodgers
24	David	Montario Hardesty

 

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: We’ve reached the point in the review where I condense everything, because I don’t remember half of what happened, and it’s a week and a half later, and it’s really hard to take notes on the stupid things everyone does while also drafting my own team and backing out picks because assholes keep thinking Ray Rice is still available.  Steve K. finally gets Charles, although I’m sure someone will request to draft him next round.  I like the Hardesty pick, and it gets a hearty round of “nice pick” comments from the league; David curls himself into a ball on the floor and rolls back and forth in joy.  Hate the Gabbert pick, because I think he sucks.

Round 13

	Team	Pick
1	David	Patriots D/ST
2	Kyran	Darren McFadden (K)
3	Ryan	Bears D/ST
4	George	Stephen Gostkowski
5	Mike	Ryan Fitzpatrick
6	Steve J.	Mark Sanchez
7	Seth and Aaron	Chargers D/ST
8	Rex	Neil Rackers
9	Josh	Lance Kendricks
10	Steve K.	Roy Helu
11	Me	Kendall Hunter
12	Jeremy	Roy Williams

 

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: More defenses are taken – you guys are jerks.  Kyran gets his keeper but tries to tell us he doesn’t want him anymore; I may or may not have made that up, but you’d buy it, right?  I like the Fitzpatrick pick here because he’s been decent anytime they turn the starter job over to him, and I hate Jeremy’s homer pick of Roy Williams because Roy Williams sucks and Roy Williams is fat.

Round 14

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Brent Celek
14	Me	Dustin Keller
15	Steve K.	Nate Kaeding
16	Josh	Deji Karim
17	Rex	Falcons D/ST
18	Seth and Aaron	Davone Bess
19	Steve J.	Rob Bironas
20	Mike	Golden Tate
21	George	Saints D/ST
22	Ryan	Mason Crosby
23	Kyran	Billy Cundiff
24	David	Marion Barber

 

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: Hard to fault anyone at this point; people start taking kickers because a lot of folks don’t have picks in rounds 15 or 16 because of keepers picks.  I do like David’s pick of Marion Barber because he looked good in the preseason, and hate Mike’s pick of Golden Tate because no one named Golden has ever been good at anything.

Round 15

	Team	Pick
1	David	Garrett Hartley
2	Kyran	Justin Forsett
3	Ryan	Michael Vick (K)
4	George	Jerome Harrison
5	Mike	Lions D/ST
6	Steve J.	Chris Cooley
7	Seth and Aaron	Cowboys D/ST
8	Rex	Peyton Hillis (K)
9	Josh	Rams D/ST
10	Steve K.	Jerome Simpson
11	Me	49ers D/ST
12	Jeremy	Sebastian Janikowski

 

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: More kickers, more defenses, people are putting their pants back on and packing up their shit.  Someone suggests we wake Steve J. up but he looks so sweet, we leave him there.  That, and I think Jeremy wants to put something in his mouth after we all leave the room, but hey, ain’t my problem.  I didn’t see nuthin’.

Round 16

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Giants D/ST
14	Me	Matt Bryant
15	Steve K.	Jason Campbell
16	Josh	Josh Brown
17	Rex	Mike Williams (TB) (K)
18	Seth and Aaron	Alex Henery
19	Steve J.	Deion Branch
20	Mike	Adam Vinatieri
21	George	Andy Dalton
22	Ryan	BenJarvus Green-Ellis (K)
23	Kyran	Steve Smith (PHI)
24	David	LeGarrette Blount (K)

 

Thoughts: Another draft done!  Year six has begun!  Kyran makes one last bold attempt at value, taking Steve Smith, who may or may not have a chronic deadly disease.  I like the Deion Branch pick by Steve J. who is wondering why his mouth is so dry.

Either way, I’m exhausted (in the past and the present), but looking forward to a better season than last one.  Hopefully all the jerks in my league agree; come back soon for more blogs and league activity!  I won’t even think you are a loser for reading about a fantasy football league you don’t even participate in!  And league members, I salute you for a great draft, minus those that didn’t show up.  You guys are dicks, see above.

Welcome to the 2010 Draft Review

Welcome to another craptastic year of Boom Goes the Dynamite Fantasy Football!  We are entering our fifth year, and given all the crap I have to put up with you ought to enjoy this while you can because Week 1 hasn’t even started yet and I’ve already had it with just about everyone in the league.

It’s occurred to me at various points that we have non-league members reading our blog.  In which case, I’d have to respond with a vague combination of “Thanks!” and “Seriously, just stay away from me.”

Either way, I think it’d be wise to lead off with a brief introduction to the various members of the league, and some facts I made up about them.  Only first names will be used to guarantee employability later in life.

Better Lucky Than Good

Owner: Steve K.

Years in League: 5 (founding member)

Claim to Fame: Defending and only 2-time league champion in our league’s illustrious history.  Completely clueless to exactly how blessed he is in every aspect of his life.  Loves to talk on the phone; may be a chick.

Biggest Weakness: Engenders disdain as the main practitioner and inventor of the “Steve Trade”, in which he offers you <scrub he drafted in the 9^th round who had a good week> and maybe some Twizzlers for <your first round player>, and then demands you call him to negotiate.  Would be willing to spend 45 minutes haggling a hot-dog vendor for free onions if it’d save him a dime.  Assigns a zero-sum dollar amount to his time.

Biggest Strength: There are at least 2 suckers every year who fall for the Steve Trade.

Sh*tBirds

Owner: Jeremy

Claim to Fame: Has a unique disability which compels him to trade every member of his team after having them for only a couple weeks.  Has the patience (and fashion sense) of a 4 year old.  Very loud.  Sometimes cries out for no reason.  Should be screened for Turrets.  Once screamed the word “cunt” in a car with open windows for no reason and terrified a passing woman and her small child.

Biggest Weakness: Loud and obnoxious behavior sometimes causes people to label him with a disability, when in fact I’m pretty sure he’s just really, really stupid.

Biggest Strength: Lack of patience with his players gives him a 1/1000 chance that one of the 400 teams he’ll assemble during the course of the season may win a couple games.

Beertap Hooters

Owner: Ryan

Years in League: 5 (founding member)

Claim to Fame: Aggressive sexual predator.  Often works with no pants.  Liable to swat you with his itty penis as he walks by.  Totally unstable.  All, some, or none of this may be true.  Has a server farm at his house.  His dog almost died at one of our drafts.

Biggest Weakness: Funky, stank mojo incurs major injury on all of his team within the first 4 weeks of the season.  Drastically overestimates his own ability, which in actuality hovers slightly above 0, or whatever is the bottom of the scale.

Biggest Strength: People are concerned about him becoming unhinged or accidentally snorting them up his nose, so they’ll often make deals that don’t make any sense with him.

B.M.

Owner: Brothers Seth and Aaron

Years in League: 4

Claim to Fame: Seth acts as the GM while Aaron provides the finance.  This mirrors the real-life GM/Owner relationship in a surprisingly accurate manner, as Seth seems to despise Aaron and Aaron doesn’t seem to care, or even notice.  Also, Aaron will often override Seth’s more informed opinion in regards to personnel, enraging Seth in a manner I can only imagine has played out innumerable times throughout their lives together.  Aaron’s ignorance of actual NFL players combines with Seth’s compulsive research to form something of a gestalt that hovers around .500 year after year, with no chance of ever getting appreciably better or markedly worse.

Biggest Weakness: Aaron.

Biggest Strength: Seth.

Z’s Threesome

Owner: David

Years in League: 4

Claim to Fame: David acts as a foil to Steve, if by “foil” you mean, “repeated ass-rape victim of some seriously fucked-up trades that would’ve ruined any other relationship”.  But David seems to be a genuinely nice guy stuck in a league with a bunch of jerks, and somehow his teams perform year after year.

Biggest Weakness: Inability to discern when he’s being bent over a table.

Biggest Strength: Doesn’t appear to mind being bent over a table.

Maroney’s Construda

Owner: Josh

Years in League: 5 (founding member)

Claim to Fame: Josh lives in Boston, but doesn’t seem to fit in because he isn’t an obnoxious jackass.  Calm, cool, and collected, he nonetheless made perhaps the worst trade in the history of the league, giving up Michael Turner, Anquan Boldin, Peyton Manning, Jim Brown, Big Bird, the Corpse of Michael Jackson, the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota, and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni to Steve for a future 2^nd round pick and a ham-and-cheese sub.

Biggest Weakness: When Steve bats his eyes.

Biggest Strength: The ability to draft via phone.

Boats n’ Hoes

Owner: Steve J.

Years in League: Rookie

Claim to Fame: I’ve never heard Steve raise his voice beyond a whisper.  Rarely ventures out of his office.  Possibly slept through the draft.

Biggest Weakness: Cowboy Fandom already makes him a hated member of the league.  Orioles fandom makes him possibly suicidal.

Biggest Strength: Wispy facial hair.

Christopher Walken Cowbells

Owner: Me

Years in League: 5 (founding member)

Claim to Fame: Glaring plagiarizing of Bill Simmons.  Built league from nothing with my own two hands.  Doesn’t work for any of you.  Secretly has no idea what I’m doing.  Longs for the league to just die so I can go back to my quiet life.  Outside of one magical season, has done nothing of note and won nothing of consequence in 5 years, yet is comfortable ridiculing everyone else’s nitwittery.

Biggest Weakness: Dainty hands are better suited for gentle computer work than outside duties, making it a long shot for me to ever have my lawn mowed.

Biggest Strength: The best thing about me is I don’t have an ego problem.

Googley Eyes

Owner: Rex

Years in League: 4 (founding member, but took a year off to prove something or other).

Claim to Fame: Once had his right eye fall out of his head.  Most likely to gun you down at work.  Constantly vibrating with barely-concealed rage.  Loves running backs.  Doesn’t like that we can only have 4 of them now.

Biggest Weakness: Sometimes gets so angry he just passes out and can’t remember what he was angry about in the first place when he comes to.

Biggest Strength: Finally shaved his head after 4 years of pretending he wasn’t bald.

Dicks in a Box

Owner: George

Years in League: Rookie

Claim to Fame: No clue about this guy.  Given the draft, he may be brainless.  In which case, he’ll fit in nicely in the league.

Biggest Weakness: According to my records, the draft.

Biggest Strength: Ability to show up when summoned at the drop of a hat.

Mike Vick’s Kibbles n’ Bits

Owner: Kyran

Years in League: Rookie

Claim to Fame: Maybe one of the worst drafts by a league member I can recall.  Bounces off the wall with youthful enthusiasm, or maybe it’s cocaine.  Thankfully, I got his money first.

Biggest Weakness: I think its football in general.

Biggest Strength: His apparent tolerance for violent homo-erotic activities.

Munich Beerswillers

Owner: Mike

Years in League: Rookie

Claim to Fame: Likes weird Euro-trash shit.  Replaces Matt as our resident Wookie.  Has an irrational love for Indianapolis players.  Reacts violently if they are drafted ahead of him.  Liable to emit a stream of awful jokes via Live Meeting during a draft; thankfully, none of us can hear him.

Biggest Weakness: May be overall the biggest nerd in our league, and that’s saying something.

Biggest Strength: The sight of a giant German guy approaching causes all of the French members of the league to immediately surrender the week.

So there you have it – a one-hundred percent accurate roster of league members.  Remember the names, now, as you’ll be reading about all the stupid things we do when I write a blog once every 3 months or so.

And now, to the draft.  We assemble at Steve K.’s house in the evening, and I’m late because my daughter’s violin lesson went long.  This predictably caused an issue with my wife (something about being a good father, how this is more important than football, blah blah, other crap, blah), so I ended up at the draft late and already stressed out, to the point where I left my blueberry beer in the car.  Shit.

I also need to double and triple check the spreadsheet I was keeping of the 117 trades that were made in the buildup to the draft.  At one point or another, Jeremy occupied 6 of the 12 possible draft slots, finally selling out of the first round completely for a free haircut.

We set up in the basement and immediately began talking like sailors despite the fact that Steve’s kids were around.  We’re nothing if not classy.  We attempted to set up the Live Meeting to get Mike and Josh dialed in, but the video wouldn’t work, Jeremy couldn’t log into my computer, but he set up the meeting, but oh Jesus H. Christ I hate computers!  Suffice to say, the sight of 5 IT guys huddled around my laptop trying to make a video conference work wasn’t in the least bit ironic.  And every once in awhile, we’d hear Mike scream something like, “Peyton Manning!” or “Reggie Wayne!”.  We’re not sure if he thought the draft had already started or what, but I wasn’t going to ask.

We also ended up summoning George, our 4^th rookie this season, at the last minute due to some unforeseen circumstances.  I’m very excited about the rookies this year, because they already are more successful at the traits the owners they are replacing were famous for.

• Mike: Replaces Carl, and while significantly younger (by about 40 years), bitches just as much.
• Kyran: Replaces Dan, had just about as bad a draft as Dan always did, but needs to work on self-hate.
• Steve: Replaces Tim, already just staring into space.

Anyhow, by the time the draft started, most everyone was already 2 beers in and in surly moods.  Hopefully, that sets the table for you.

Round 1
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Ryan	Chris Johnson
2	George	Adrian Peterson
3	Mike	Maurice Jones-Drew
4	Jeremy	Andre Johnson
5	Steve J.	Frank Gore
6	Josh	Larry Fitzgerald
7	David	Michael Turner
8	Kyran	Steve Jackson
9	Me	Randy Moss
10	Rex	Reggie Wayne
11	Steve K.	Drew Brees
12	Seth/Aaron	Tom Brady

Worst Pick: In the first round, it’s really hard to make an awful pick, but the worst is probably Seth and Aaron reaching for Tom Brady, who in all likelihood will not be the #2 QB in fantasy this year – and I’m a Patriots fan.  I can’t fully ding Seth for this, as he made the pick under duress, if by ‘duress’, you mean “ordered by your brother to do it, or else”.  Seth begins digging his toes into Steve’s plush carpet like an angry, gangly ballerina.

Best Pick: It’s really hard to say, since everyone else picked just about who they should, given their positions.  Let’s give it to Kyran for his selection of Steven Jackson, if only because it’s the only time he applied any type of Earth-style logic to this draft and you can be sure you won’t see his name in the “Best Pick” section of the draft again.

Commentary: Nothing much to report, although Jeremy did launch into his seething, angry criticism of me a couple rounds earlier than usual.  This usually consists of me minding my own business, and him asking me how it’s going.  When I respond fine, he become agitated, barking, “What’s wrong?” at me a bunch of times before following up with, “Listen, you wanted to be the commish!  You wanted to run things, so here you are!”.  Meanwhile, I’m just trying to run a draft and I’ve got this Neanderthal hovering over me, reeking of ham and beer.  It was at this point where I remembered why I’m not sure I like this.

Round 2:

Round 2
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Seth/Aaron	Roddy White
2	Josh	Brandon Marshall
3	Rex	Marques Colston
4	George	Anquan Boldin
5	Kyran	Steve Smith (NYG)
6	Ryan	Greg Jennings
7	Josh	Ryan Grant
8	Me	Shonn Greene
9	Jeremy	Peyton Manning
10	Steve J.	Steve Smith (CAR)
11	Steve J.	Dallas Clark
12	Ryan	DeAngelo Williams

Worst Pick: I always love the second round, because it’s really an owner’s first opportunity to fuck up.  I’m going to have to avoid the temptation of hindsight here, since I’m predictably finishing this up after week 1 (fuck you, New York Jets).  Ahem.  Anyhow, I’ll give it to Steve J.’s pick of Dallas Clark, if only because after the draft, we were all cleaning up and someone asked when the first tight end was drafted.  I said the second, and no one believed me until Steve spoke up and said, “No, I took Clark in the 2^nd”.  And then we all got quiet and went home.

Best Pick: This is why fantasy football is all screwed up.  It would have to go to Steve J.’s pick of Steve Smith, since he was probably the last of the elite WR’s on the board and should’ve gone a couple of picks earlier – to the point that when Kyran asked for Steve Smith, I just announced, “Steve Smith, Carolina”, and he corrected me that he wanted the guy from New York.  Kyran, at this point, is already exceeding expectations.

Commentary: You’ll notice that there are some players with 2 picks in this round, and others with no picks; this is the result of some serious shenanigans by the traders in the league in a clear effort to put me in a mental institution.  I finally crack into a beer that I almost spill on me when Mike lets out a primal scream after Dallas Clark gets drafted.

Round 3
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Ryan	Wes Welker
2	Me	Ryan Matthews
3	Mike	Chad Ochocinco
4	Seth/Aaron	Matt Forte
5	David	Dwayne Bowe
6	Josh	Knowshon Moreno
7	Me	Michael Crabtree
8	Kyran	TJ Houshmandzadeh
9	George	Vernon Davis
10	Rex	Philip Rivers
11	Steve K.	Hines Ward
12	Jeremy	Arian Foster

Worst Pick: One of these thing doesn’t belong – anywhere near the third round.  Kyran’s second-round blip on the radar was nothing compared to the 3^rd-round incompetency detonation that was the TJ pick.  Honorable Mention to George for the Vernon Davis pick, and for Rex for wasting a 3^rd rounder on a QB when you had already kept one.

Best Pick: Jeremy scores hugely with the Arian Foster pick, who I absolutely coveted.  Jeremy is infinitely pleased with himself, and goes off into a corner to masturbate.  It was at this point things got weird.

Commentary: I believe it was after this round that Aaron amazingly made an appearance, having never been at one of our drafts before.  We’re all happy to see him, except for Seth, who shoots him a withering glance and goes back to studying up for round 4. Aaron looks at his team so far and makes a dismissive noise, prompting Seth to stab him in the face with his pen – in his mind.

Round 4
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Seth/Aaron	Antonio Gates
2	Steve K.	Joseph Addai
3	Rex	Jonathan Stewart
4	George	Marion Barber
5	Kyran	Jerome Harrison
6	Me	Jermichael Finley
7	Josh	Calvin Johnson
8	Jeremy	Jason Witten
9	Jeremy	Ricky Williams
10	Mike	Donald Driver
11	Steve J.	Tony Romo
12	Ryan	Percy Harvin

Worst Pick: Oh my heavens, you wacky new guys!  George and Kyran both reach for guys that probably would’ve been there 4 rounds later.  I can’t kill George too bad since he came in completely cold.  Kyran, by this point, has begun typing and clicking feverishly into his Blackberry, for what at the time we assumed was fantasy info, but in hindsight we now realize was probably just porn.

Best Pick: Calvin Johnson was a keeper, so he doesn’t count.  I do like the Stewart pick by Rex, who suddenly pissed himself when he realized he was in round 4 and didn’t have a running back.

Commentary: Seth suggests Antonio Gates, and Aaron approves.  Seth beams.  I’m thrilled with Jermichael Finely, to the point where I think I may just prepend a “jer” to everyone’s names all year long, just for the fun of it.

Round 5
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Ryan	Beanie Wells
2	Steve J.	Robert Meachem
3	Mike	Brent Celek
4	Seth/Aaron	Ronnie Brown
5	David	Ray Rice
6	Josh	Javhid Best
7	Me	Joe Flacco
8	Kyran	Carson Palmer
9	Steve J.	CJ Spiller
10	Rex	Brandon Jacobs
11	Steve K.	Jeremy Maclin
12	Jeremy	Mike Wallace

Worst Pick: Beanie Wells and Ray Rice are keepers, so for all you who were screaming, “What the hell kind of league of retards is this?” – we’re just your average retards.  I can’t beat up on Kyran any longer, despite the fact that he’s assembling an incredible team if the year is 2003.  So I’ll give this one to me, because I just hate the pick.  I had to make it because QB’s from here on out are rough, but I just don’t like the pick.

Best Pick: Some gems here; Seth and Aaron get Ronnie Brown a round after Jeremy took Ricky Williams, which makes me want to go up and edit out that ‘worst pick’ from round 4.  But I love the Mike Wallace pick, who I think is in for a breakout year.  Jeremy is assembling a pretty decent team, which depresses me and causes me to crack open another blueberry beer.

Commentary: I should mention that Jeremy also got me hooked on Orange Blossom, a Cream Ale with orange added to it.  Leave us alone, we’re in love.  In other news, Steve J. is asleep, and Steve K., who is usually a chatter box by now, has been eerily quiet all draft.  It’s almost as if the constant ridicule leading up to this night actually got to him.  But don’t fret, League Members: by week 3, you’ll all have been offered a buttered bagel and a defense for your best receiver.  Bank on it.

Round 6
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Aaron/Seth	Cedric Benson
2	Steve K.	Tony Gonzalez
3	Rex	Reggie Bush
4	George	Justin Forsett
5	Kyran	Chris Cooley
6	Me	Hakeem Nicks
7	Josh	Kevin Kolb
8	David	Felix Jones
9	Jeremy	Ahmad Bradshaw
10	Mike	Santana Moss
11	Me	Zach Miller
12	Ryan	Brett Favre

Worst Pick: Ced Benson is a keeper here, so no counting him.  I really liked this round, so I’m going to give it to myself, for dopily taking another tight end in a misguided attempt to take advantage of the new rule where we can start a tight end at flex.  The lesson is, as always, I’m a douchebag.

Best Pick: Like I said, nice round.  Guys got some good value.  Kyran’s Cooley pick is a good one, but I really like Jeremy’s Bradshaw pick, as Bradshaw was named the starter the day of our draft.  In round 6, that ain’t bad.  I want to die.

Commentary: Jeremy is just so fucking pleased with himself right now, and I’m bitter and I hate him in his stupid clown outfit.  Steve J. woke up just in time to make his pick, and Kyran continues to fiddle with his phone.  Steve K. is silent, Ryan has taken off his pants, and Seth and Aaron are ready to kill one another.  Mike continues to make weird nerd jokes that we can’t even hear, and Josh just wants this all to end.  The mood is sour.

Round 7
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Ryan	Clinton Portis
2	Steve J.	Braylon Edwards
3	Mike	Donovan McNabb
4	Jeremy	Cadillac Williams
5	David	Owen Daniels
6	Josh	Chad Henne
7	Me	Ben Rapelisberger
8	Kyran	Eddie Royal
9	George	Willis McGahee
10	Rex	Jay Cutler
11	Steve K.	Dez Bryant
12	Seth/Aaron	Steve Breaston

Worst Pick: Listen, anything you can get a glorified short-yardage back in round 7, you have to take him, right George?  Jesus.  I double-check to make sure George paid.

Best Pick: Oh, I dunno.  Is the season over yet?  Goddamn, I hate this, but Jeremy’s pick of Cadillac Williams is a good one.  The guy should get a pretty large workload, and that’s rare in today’s NFL.  Bile begins to rise up my throat.

Commentary: Software malfunctions galore; I dunno how Ryan ran this software for the last 2 years, but I wish I hadn’t offered to do it and run the draft at the same time.  This compels me to assign a Lieutenant Commish, but as I look around I sadly realize that no one has the qualifications – which consist only of a reasonable intelligence and a high tolerance for wanton stupidity.  But hey, look there!  It’s another beer!

Round 8
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Seth/Aaron	LaDanian Tomlison
2	Steve K.	Kellen Winslow
3	Rex	Fred Jackson
4	George	Santonio Holmes
5	Kyran	Terrell Owens
6	Me	Donald Brown
7	Josh	Eagles DEF
8	David	Kenny Britt
9	Jeremy	Johnny Knox
10	Mike	Vincent Jackson
11	Steve J.	Bernard Berrian
12	Ryan	Eli Manning

Worst Pick: Josh, who is usually on top of his game, takes the first defense of the night about 4 rounds too early.  He’s driving to Michigan during the draft, and we’re hoping he’s not drunk as all hell.

Best Pick: Jeremy scores again with Johnny Knox.  This is the last year of the league, I’m calling it now.  Pack this shit up, we’re finished.  It’s the apocalypse, for sure.  I had no idea going into this write up that Jeremy had as good as a draft as he did, otherwise I can’t say I’d have gone through with it.  Don’t worry, I’d have come up with just as good as an excuse as I always have (“Uh, I just didn’t do it”).

Commentary: I hate, hate, hate my Donald Brown pick and slip into a deep depression, which is only alleviated when Seth and Aaron begin brawling over a train set and who gets to be the engine and who gets to be the caboose.  Boys…….boys!!

Round 9
Pick	Owner		Player Taken
1	Ryan		Visanthe Shiancoe
2	Steve J.		Thomas Jones
3	Mike		Matt Ryan
4	Jeremy		See Round 12
5	David		Nate Burleson
6	Josh		Rashard Mendenhall
7	Me		Darren Sproles
8	Kyran		Jason Campbell
9	George		Matt Schaub
10	Rex		Julian Edelman
11	Steve K.		Jets DEF
12	Seth/Aaron		Ravens DEF

Worst Pick: Calm down, everyone.  Mendenhall was a keeper.  But, the run on defenses begins, as Steve K. takes the Jets and Seth and Aaron panic and grab the Ravens.  I don’t even know if these are bad picks or not, the fact that Jeremy of all people is having a good draft has plunged me into an existential crisis.  Is this real?  Am I real?

Best Pick: Ryan scores with Shiancoe, who could very well lead the Vikes in receptions with Rice out.  Ryan celebrates by attempting to violate the corpse of Steve J., who we are pretty sure is now legally dead.

Commentary: At this point, it’s almost 9:45 and we’re all punchy as we realize no one likes each other, at all.  Seth and Aaron and Jeremy all realize that they play in the same softball league, so this leads to a seemingly endless discussion of all things softball-related, from the diamond they play on to the various umpires and their characteristics.  For those of you who are keeping the Major League dream alive by playing in your local slow-pitch softball league well into your 50’s, I’m sure this was a riveting conversation, but Christ if I didn’t want to dig my eyes out of my head with a spork.

Round 10
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Seth/Aaron	Heath Miller
2	Steve K.	LeSean McCoy
3	Rex	Dustin Keller
4	George	Packers DEF
5	Kyran	John Carlson
6	Me	49ers DEF
7	Josh	Greg Olsen
8	David	Saints DEF
9	Jeremy	Vikings DEF
10	Mike	Pierre Thomas
11	Steve J.	Steelers DEF
12	Ryan	Tony Scheffler

Worst Pick: Did you know that no tight end in a Mike Martz offense has ever caught a pass?  Ever??  I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I don’t like the Greg Olsen pick here.

Best Pick: Rex score some good value with Dustin Keller.  LeSean McCoy (damn, I hate typing his name.  Alternating lower/upper case letters!) and Pierre Thomas are both keepers here.

Commentary: Get your defense quick!!  Quickly!!  Hey, did anyone realize the 49ers were last year’s #1 ranked fantasy defense?  Neither did I until after the draft, so good for me!  Steve J. miraculously recovers and wonders why his pants are down; turns out Ryan is very loving.

Round 11
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Ryan	Cowboys DEF
2	Steve J.	Stephen Gostkowski
3	Mike	Michael Bush
4	Jeremy	Whoops
5	David	Aaron Rodgers
6	Josh	Fred Davis
7	Me	Matthew Stafford
8	Kyran	Nate Kaeding
9	George	Ryan Longwell
10	Rex	Kyle Orton
11	Steve K.	Tim Hightower
12	Seth/Aaron	Dolphins DEF

Worst Pick: Well, Steve J. breaks the draft’s kicker cherry by making what will heretofore be known as the “Crusty Carl Memorial First Kicker Taken Too Early” pick, in memory of former league member Crusty Carl.

Best Pick: I like Rex’s pick of Kyle Orton here.  I do believe he finished in the top 15 at his position last year and that team is going to have to throw a ton.  See what I did there?  Throw in some legit FFL knowledge on you? It isn’t all about comedy, folks.  Actually, I’m not sure it’s ever about comedy if you ask around, but intent has to count for something…..

Commentary: It’s probably only 10:00 right now but it feels like it’s 3pm the next day.  David gets cabin fever and freaks out, threatening to eat us all until he realizes we have like 4 pizzas left over from when Steve K. harassed the pizza guy.  None of that happened, but I hadn’t mentioned David all draft.  Hi, David!

Round 12
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Seth/Aaron	David Akers
2	Steve K.	Jamaal Charles
3	Rex	Anthony Fasano
4	George	Jeremy Shockey
5	Kyran	Darren McFadden
6	Me	Kevin Boss
7	Josh	Mason Crosby
8	David	Vince Young
9	Jeremy	Montario Hardesty
10	Mike	Redskins DEF
11	Steve J.	Austin Collie
12	Ryan	Marcedes Lewis

Worst Pick: Jamaal Charles is a keeper here.  Hard to argue with too many of these picks, but I’ll give it to Jeremy anyhow, if only because it was here that he realized he had drafted six running backs and five wide receivers, despite my proclamations leading up to and directly before the draft that we could only have 4 each.  That explains the ‘whoopsies’ in a couple rounds up there, as I had no choice but to invalidate those picks.  To Jeremy’s credit, he was cool about it, and also my software sucks, but it was a happy reminder that he’s barely functional.

Best Pick: Boy, I would’ve said Hardesty, but there’s that whole retarded thing I mentioned right up there……so we’ll give it to Kyran, ‘cause I think McFadden may be his #2 RB at this point.

Commentary: We’re all tired at this point; half of us only have one or 2 picks left due to keepers, or trades, and the other half is primed to waste 2 minutes and 50 seconds of their 3 minutes time limit deciding which kicker to take.  I hate everyone, but mostly myself.

Round 13
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Ryan	Sam Bradford
2	Steve J.	Steve Slaton
3	Mike	Garrett Hartley
4	Seth/Aaron	Lee Evans
5	David	Rob Gronkowski
6	Josh	Jabar Gaffney
7	Me	Matt Bryant
8	Kyran	Texans DEF
9	George	Rob Bironas
10	Rex	Todd Heap
11	Steve K.	David Garrard
12	Mike	Julius Jones

Worst Pick: What’s that?  We’re still doing this part?  Oh my God.  When does it end?  How can you have a ‘worst pick’ in Round 13 anyhow?  Let’s go Julius Jones, because I hate him.

Best Pick: Loved David’s pick of Rob Gronkowski, because I’m a Patriots homer.  I also hate the fact that, at this point in the draft, I was sorry I couldn’t draft a fourth tight end.  I don’t like my chances this year.

Commentary: At this point, Ryan puts his pants back on, gives us the middle finger, and just up and leaves.  Steve J. is spooning with Steve K. and I’m not gonna lie: awkward.

Round 14
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Seth/Aaron	Matt Cassel
2	Steve K.	Robbie Gould
3	Rex	Chargers DEF
4	George	Golden Tate
5	Kyran	Matt Moore
6	Me	Devin Aromashodu
7	Josh	Bears DEF
8	David	Dexter McCluster
9	Jeremy	Shayne Graham
10	Mike	Alex Smith
11	Steve J.	Mark Sanchez
12	Ryan	Adam Vinatieri

Worst Pick: I don’t care.  At this point in the draft, we’re all just laying in the gutter, pants down…….wait, that’s only me?

Best Pick: Dexter McCluster, if only because he sounds like he’d be a great mascot for PopEye’s chicken – although they already have one……

Commentary: I think Aaron thought Matt Cassel was still a Patriot and took him.  People begin packing up.  Jeremy roles out his sleeping back to Steve K.’s horror.  Jeremy: “You shut up!  I’m movin’ in, whether you like it or not!”

Round 15
Pick	Owner	Player Taken
1	Ryan	Skipped
2	Steve J.	Aaron Hernandez
3	Mike	Colts DEF
4	Jeremy	Bengals DEF
5	David	Jermaine Gresham
6	Josh	Derek Anderson
7	Me	Skipped
8	Kyran	Bo Scaife
9	George	Miles Austin
10	Rex	Bucs DEF
11	Steve K	Malcolm Floyd
12	Seth/Aaron	Jeff Reed

Worst Pick: All of them.  Even if Miles Austin wasn’t a keeper, and I hadn’t given him up last year in a futile and ultimately failed attempt to win the league last year, this round sucks.

Best Pick: See above.

Commentary: Screw all of you.

Round 15
Pick	Owner		Player Taken
1	Seth/Aaron		Pierre Garcon
2	Steve K.		Patriots DEF
3	Rex		Sidney Rice
4	George		Matt Hasselbeck
5	Kyran		Broncos DEF
6	Me		Skipped
7	Josh		Skipped
8	David		Matt Prater
9	Jeremy		Mike Sims-Walker
10	Mike		Olindo Mare
11	Steve J.		Giants DEF
12	Ryan		DeSean Jackson

Commentary: No best or worst here, as most were just longshot keeper picks.

At this point it’s about 10:45pm, roughly an hour and a half later than I would’ve liked the draft to end, but whatever.  We all get ready to leave, and Jeremy is brushing his teeth getting ready for bed.  Steve K. is troubled; I recommend calling the cops.  Steve J. is in a coma, and Kyran is wondering when the first game is and who’ll be pitching.

All in all, another successful draft in the books.  We’re all still in the honeymoon period at this point, convinced we nailed the draft and that all 12 of us have incredible teams (and the other teams all suck).  That, essentially is what fantasy football is all about: that initial euphoria, followed by the slow and inevitable realization that you totally blew it, your team sucks, and you have no real way to get any better – and you’ll repeat it all again next year.

I love FFL!

Playoff Tourney: Championship Week

Here are the scores – Carl’s going to win this thing and I hate myself.  Enough said.

Carl:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Championship	Totals
QB	Manning	IND	0	22	41	63
RB	Benson	CIN	31	0	0	31
RB	Jones	DAL	29	11	0	40
WR	Moss	NE	9	0	0	9
WR	Colston	NO	0	20	4	24
FLEX	Rice	BAL	32	19	0	51
TE	Finley	GB	26	0	0	26
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	7	4	19
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	0	2
						265

Ryan:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Championship	Totals
QB	Rodgers	GB	58	0	0	58
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	38	46
RB	Jones	NYJ	9	4	8	21
WR	Wayne	IND	0	20	8	28
WR	Jackson	SD	0	23	0	23
FLEX	Benson	CIN	31	0	0	31
TE	Witten	DAL	6	19	0	25
DEF	NO	NO	0	12	10	22
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	0	2
						256

Jeremy:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Championship	Totals
QB	Rivers	SD	0	22	0	22
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	38	46
RB	Benson	CIN	31	0	0	31
WR	Austin	DAL	21	7	0	28
WR	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	13	0	37
FLEX	Wayne	IND	0	20	8	28
TE	Celek	PHI	8	0	0	8
DEF	NO	NO	0	12	10	22
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	0	0	-1
						221

Commish:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Championship	Totals
QB	Rodgers	GB	58	0	0	58
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	38	46
RB	Jones	NYJ	9	4	8	21
WR	Austin	DAL	21	0	0	21
WR	Colston	NO	0	20	4	24
FLEX	Wayne	IND	0	20	8	28
TE	Gates	SD	0	17	0	17
DEF	PHI	PHI	4	0	0	4
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	0	0	-1
						218

Rex:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Championship	Totals
QB	Brees	NO	0	30	27	57
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	38	46
RB	Grant	GB	9	0	0	9
WR	Wayne	IND	0	20	8	28
WR	Austin	DAL	21	7	0	28
FLEX	Moss	NE	9	0	0	9
TE	Gates	SD	0	17	0	17
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	7	4	19
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	0	2
						215

Josh:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Championship	Totals
QB	Brees	NO	0	30	27	57
RB	Grant	GB	9	0	0	9
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	38	46
WR	Wayne	IND	0	20	8	28
WR	Moss	NE	9	0	0	9
FLEX	Austin	DAL	21	7	0	28
TE	Gates	SD	0	17	0	17
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	7	4	19
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	0	2
						215

Steve:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Championship	Totals
QB	Manning	IND	0	22	41	63
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	38	46
RB	Tomlison	SD	0	5	0	5
WR	Jackson	PHI	10	0	0	10
WR	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	13	0	37
FLEX	Austin	DAL	21	7	0	28
TE	Shockey	NO	0	12	1	13
DEF	GB	GB	3	0	0	3
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	0	0	-1
						204

Jainchill Boys:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Championship	Totals
QB	Rivers	SD	0	22	0	22
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	38	46
RB	Thomas	NO	0	10	23	33
WR	Moss	NE	9	0	0	9
WR	Wayne	IND	0	20	8	28
FLEX	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	13	0	37
TE	Witten	DAL	6	19	0	25
DEF	CIN	CIN	0	0	0	0
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	0	2
						202

Playoff Tourney – Week 2

Here’s the update for Week 2 – players that are out are in red.

Carl - Magic Hat No. 9:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Totals
QB	Manning	IND	0	22	22
RB	Benson	CIN	31	0	31
RB	Jones	DAL	29	11	40
WR	Moss	NE	9	0	9
WR	Colston	NO	0	20	20
FLEX	Rice	BAL	32	19	51
TE	Finley	GB	26	0	26
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	7	15
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	2
					216

Ryan – Injury Prone:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Totals
QB	Rodgers	GB	58	0	58
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	8
RB	Jones	NYJ	9	4	13
WR	Wayne	IND	0	20	20
WR	Jackson	SD	0	23	23
FLEX	Benson	CIN	31	0	31
TE	Witten	DAL	6	19	25
DEF	NO	NO	0	12	12
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	2
					192

Jeremy – The ShitBirds:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Totals
QB	Rivers	SD	0	22	22
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	8
RB	Benson	CIN	31	0	31
WR	Austin	DAL	21	7	28
WR	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	13	37
FLEX	Wayne	IND	0	20	20
TE	Celek	PHI	8	0	8
DEF	NO	NO	0	12	12
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	0	-1
					165

Commish – The Christopher Walken Cowbells:

QB	Rodgers	GB	58	0	58
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	8
RB	Jones	NYJ	9	4	13
WR	Austin	DAL	21	0	21
WR	Colston	NO	0	20	20
FLEX	Wayne	IND	0	20	20
TE	Gates	SD	0	17	17
DEF	PHI	PHI	4	0	4
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	0	-1
					160

Rex – Googley Eyes:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Totals
QB	Brees	NO	0	30	30
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	8
RB	Grant	GB	9	0	9
WR	Wayne	IND	0	20	20
WR	Austin	DAL	21	7	28
FLEX	Moss	NE	9	0	9
TE	Gates	SD	0	17	17
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	7	15
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	2
					138

Josh – Maroney’s Construda:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Totals
QB	Brees	NO	0	30	30
RB	Grant	GB	9	0	9
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	8
WR	Wayne	IND	0	20	20
WR	Moss	NE	9	0	9
FLEX	Austin	DAL	21	7	28
TE	Gates	SD	0	17	17
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	7	15
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	2
					138

Jainchill Boys – B.M.:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Totals
QB	Rivers	SD	0	22	22
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	8
RB	Thomas	NO	0	10	10
WR	Moss	NE	9	0	9
WR	Wayne	IND	0	20	20
FLEX	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	13	37
TE	Witten	DAL	6	19	25
DEF	CIN	CIN	0	0	0
K	Akers	PHI	2	0	2
					133

Steve – Better Lucky Than Good:

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Divisional	Totals
QB	Manning	IND	0	22	22
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	8	8
RB	Tomlison	SD	0	5	5
WR	Jackson	PHI	10	0	10
WR	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	13	37
FLEX	Austin	DAL	21	7	28
TE	Shockey	NO	0	12	12
DEF	GB	GB	3	0	3
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	0	-1
					124

Playoff Tourney

Gents – here are the playoff tourney teams, and the results from the Wild Card Round.   Current scores are in blue,  guys who are already out are in red.  Teams are in order of finish, so far:

Carl (Magic Hat No. 9):

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Totals
QB	Manning	IND	0	0
RB	Benson	CIN	31	31
RB	Jones	DAL	29	29
WR	Moss	NE	9	9
WR	Colston	NO	0	0
FLEX	Rice	BAL	32	32
TE	Finley	GB	26	26
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	8
K	Akers	PHI	2	2
				137

Ryan (Injury Prone):

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Totals
QB	Rodgers	GB	58	58
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	0
RB	Jones	NYJ	9	9
WR	Wayne	IND	0	0
WR	Jackson	SD	0	0
FLEX	Benson	CIN	31	31
TE	Witten	DAL	6	6
DEF	NO	NO	0	0
K	Akers	PHI	2	2
				106

Commish (Christopher Walken Cowbells):

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Totals
QB	Rodgers	GB	58	58
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	0
RB	Jones	NYJ	9	9
WR	Austin	DAL	21	21
WR	Colston	NO	0	0
FLEX	Wayne	IND	0	0
TE	Gates	SD	0	0
DEF	PHI	PHI	4	4
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	-1
				91

Jeremy (The ShitBirds):

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Totals
QB	Rivers	SD	0	0
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	0
RB	Benson	CIN	31	31
WR	Austin	DAL	21	21
WR	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	24
FLEX	Wayne	IND	0	0
TE	Celek	PHI	8	8
DEF	NO	NO	0	0
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	-1
				83

Steve (Better Lucky Than Good):

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Totals
QB	Manning	IND	0	0
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	0
RB	Tomlison	SD	0	0
WR	Jackson	PHI	10	10
WR	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	24
FLEX	Austin	DAL	21	21
TE	Shockey	NO	0	0
DEF	GB	GB	3	3
K	Gostkowski	NE	-1	-1
				57

Rex (Googley Eyes):

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Totals
QB	Brees	NO	0	0
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	0
RB	Grant	GB	9	9
WR	Wayne	IND	0	0
WR	Austin	DAL	21	21
FLEX	Moss	NE	9	9
TE	Gates	SD	0	0
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	8
K	Akers	PHI	2	2
				49

Josh (Maroney’s Construda):

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Totals
QB	Brees	NO	0	0
RB	Grant	GB	9	9
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	0
WR	Wayne	IND	0	0
WR	Moss	NE	9	9
FLEX	Austin	DAL	21	21
TE	Gates	SD	0	0
DEF	JETS	JETS	8	8
K	Akers	PHI	2	2
				49

The Jainchills (B.M.):

Position	Player	Team	Wild Card	Totals
QB	Rivers	SD	0	0
RB	Peterson	MIN	0	0
RB	Thomas	NO	0	0
WR	Moss	NE	9	9
WR	Wayne	IND	0	0
FLEX	Fitzgerald	ARZ	24	24
TE	Witten	DAL	6	6
DEF	CIN	CIN	0	0
K	Akers	PHI	2	2
				41

All-Play through Week 11

Jordan sucks.  I’m seriously considering removing his plate from the league trophy.  That is all.

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	Actual Record	Percentage
Christopher Walken Cowbells	82	39	0	9-2	0.678
Better Lucky than Good	81	38	2	7-4	0.669
Z’s Threesome	78	42	1	8-3	0.645
Magic Hat No. 9	74	45	2	6-5	0.612
BM	66	55	0	7-4	0.545
Googley Eyes	65	55	1	7-4	0.537
The Sh*tBirds	63	58	0	4-7	0.521
Maroney’s Contruda	58	62	1	5-6	0.479
Dicks in a Box	55	66	0	5-6	0.455
Brick’s Tridents	52	69	0	5-6	0.430
Rookie Barrage	33	88	0	2-9	0.273
Dorothy Mantooth Saints	15	105	1	1-10	0.124

All-Play through Week 9

This week was highlighted by the “Clash of the Feebs”, between Ryan Marsee and Tim Jordan.  Combined, they put up 134 points, which was less than 6 individual teams actually put up.   Good going, guys. 

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	Actual Record
Better Lucky than Good	68	29	2	5-4
Christopher Walken Cowbells	67	32	0	7-2
Z’s Threesome	63	35	1	6-3
Magic Hat No. 9	62	35	2	5-4
The Sh*tBirds	57	42	0	4-5
BM	53	46	0	6-3
Googley Eyes	50	48	1	6-3
Dicks in a Box	44	55	0	4-5
Maroney’s Contruda	43	55	1	4-5
Brick’s Tridents	43	56	0	4-5
Rookie Barrage	25	74	0	2-7
Dorothy Mantooth Saints	15	83	1	1-8

REVENGE OF BLOG: Weeks 5 through 8

The BLOG is BACK! Let’s get right to it.

Some Random Thoughts:

• Wendy’s is advertising some new chicken wrap nonsense by including the fact that it’s loaded with ‘natural cheeses’.  Last I checked, cheese does not occur in nature.  There is no such thing as natural cheese – by its very definition, cheese is unnatural.  When’s the last time you fell into a Cheddar bush or stepped in a wad of Monterey Jack in the middle of a field?  Shame on you, Wendy’s. 
• I was thinking (as I often do, to the surprise of no one) about Star Wars, and the fact that everyone was shocked when Padme Amidala gave birth to not one baby, but twins.  Shocked?  Really?  So they have lightsabers, faster than light travel, and laser guns, but no ultrasound?  I have serious concerns about pre-natal care in the Star Wars Universe, people.  Serious concerns.

The View From My Cube:

Carl will often make service calls for his McMansion and pretend we don’t know about it or can’t hear it because he lowers his voice and faces the far wall of his cube, hunching over like he’s got an impacted bowel.  It’s good fun.

A recent conversation went something like this – here are some lines:

Carl: “Well, I’m telling you, there is no light there.  It’s just not give any light.”

Carl: “No, it has to be the bulb.  There isn’t any light being given off.”

Carl: “I’m pretty sure it’s the bulb.”

This led me to wonder whether Carl was actually calling tech support to help him change a lightbulb, or what the hell was really going on, but I pictured some really interesting future exchanges Carl can have as he wanders his way through life.

Carl: “Yes, I’m outside.  There is water coming from the sky.”

Carl: “Yes, it’s cloudy.  It is cloudy, they are grey clouds.  Grey”.

Carl: “The water appears to be in droplet form, and it’s looks like…yes, it’s coming from those clouds.  An umbrella, you say?”

Or:

Carl: “OK, so I’m above the water now.  I am in a body of water.”

Carl: “Well, I started in an airplane, but not sure what happened to get me here.”

Carl: “Yes, there appears to be marine wildlife.  What again?  Sharks?”

Carl: “I’m not sure the plane could’ve crashed, Miss – well, there was a lightning storm, but still…….hello?  I need to speak to your supervisor.”

In other Views From My Cube, I have had a cough all the week as my family and I get over Viral Plague from the week prior.  I had to sit next to Rex at one point to look at what was happening with his computer (porn), and he immediately pulled out some hand sanitizer that looked like it was purchased before the Berlin Wall fell.  It was actually yellow, but didn’t include any of those nifty blue beads in it that typically signify some moisturizer or whatever; plus, I know Rex, and there isn’t a chance in hell he’d ever purchase anything but low-grade, take-your-chances, generic hand sanitizer.  The long and short of it is, I think this sanitizer actually defected and joined the other side of the fight.  Be careful around Rex, I think this stuff is harboring resistant bacteria or some other shit.  I’ve got a nipple growing on my hand and I’m not sure what the fuck is going on.

The Awards:

OK, so clearly, the winner of Weekly Screwing for Weeks 5-8 are all of you, for missing out on bloggy excellence.  As such, I am the Asshole of the Week for those weeks, for depriving you of said bloggy excellence.

Weekly High Score for:

• Week 8: Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 155.
• Week 7: Jeremy’s Sh*tBirds, with 165.
• Week 6: The Jainchill Boy’s B.M., with 199 (!!)
• Week 5: Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 158.

Weekly Low Score for:

• Week 8: The Jainchill Boy’s B.M., with 80.
• Week 7: Ryan’s Rookie Garbage Barrage, with 66.
• Week 6: Ryan’s Rookie Corsage Barrage, with 103.
• Week 5: David’s Z’s Threesome, with 66.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 8:

• Tim, for sticking with his 3^rd overall pick, LaDanian Tomlison, who finally put in that dominating, win-your-week-for-you performance we’ve all been expecti……what’s that?  He only scored 17 points?  And it was still by far his best performance of the year?  Oh Timmy.  Poor, sad Timmy………
• David, for starting Percy Harvin over any number of other options for 19 points.  Harvin has been a pleasant surprise.
• Josh, for trusting in Michael Crabtree for 12 points – he’s apparently already their number one option in San Fran.

Once again, a weak crop of options.  The joke on Tim is probably the most potent thing in this list, and even then I’m probably giving myself too much credit.  With the bye weeks in full-tilt it’s tough to come up with any really good moves, as lineups almost set themselves.  So let’s give it to Josh.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 8:

• Rex, for getting cutesy and starting Sidney Rice (8 points) instead of Marion Barber (12 points).
• Ryan, for starting Mario Manningham (who didn’t play) instead of Bernard Berrian, or Jonathan Stewart, or really anyone else who would’ve put up just a single point.
• Steve, for sitting Andre Johnson in favor of Lee Evans.  I know he had a bruised lung, but he played – and if he plays, he never sits.  Shame on you.

As always, you boys make more dumb moves than good ones.  By default, this goes to Ryan, as anytime you start someone who doesn’t play you need to be thusly honored.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 7:

• Z’s Threesome, for starting Ricky Williams for 29 points.  I’m reasonably sure that David wasn’t aware of what he was doing, and was just covering for bye weeks, but it’s slim pickin’s this week, for sure.
• Rookie Barrage, for starting Austin Collie for 13 points.  Wait – he left DeSean Jackson on the bench for 26.  Forget I mentioned this – just wait for the next section.
• Maroney’s Construda, for picking up Michael Crabtree and having the guts to start him for 10 points.

Let’s give this one to Josh, since he’s really the only option.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 7:

• Tim, for starting Eli Manning (12 points) over Philip Rivers (it doesn’t matter how many points).  I thought I was depressed last year when Tim won the league – I had no idea the depths of the depression I’d feel as I watched him lollygag through this season, feebly attempting to manage his team not in a manner unlike a slug trying to operate a stump grinder.  It’s really fucking depressing.
• Ryan, for sitting his beloved DEEshaun Jackson (as he affectionately calls him) and watched him put up 26 points.  For Austin Collie?   Really?

Tim takes this one – not even close.  That’s not to take away from Ryan’s ineptitude, however.  Don’t get me wrong.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 6:

• Tim, for starting Mohamed Massaquoi for 13 points.  Eh?  Tory Holt had 20 on his bench?  And Devin Hester had 15?  And only a rube would put any level of trust in the Cleveland Brown’s passing game?
• Ryan, for not starting Mark “The Sanchise” Sanchez for -5 points.  And the way he was talking about him earlier, believe me, this was a possibility.  Oral Pleasure is on the table if Ryan runs into Sanchez in person after Week 2.  I’m certain of it.  At the very least, inappropriate touchies.

I guess this has to go to Ryan by default, right?  At the very least for avoiding the cock of the Sanchise, even if it was only accidental.  Only here could we leap from FFL to a gay tryst between Ryan and the New York Jet’s quarterback.  I’m not sure that’s a selling point or not.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 6:

• Tim, for starting Eli Manning over Philip Rivers.  Don’t ever do this.  Ever.
• Rex, for starting Michael Jenkins (3 points) over Sidney Rice (28 points).

I’m sure there were some other bad moves, but really, do you guys even remember as far back as week 6?  We’ll give it to Tim.  Now, get into the WAY-Way-back machine….

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 5:

• ME, for picking up Miles Austin on Saturday Night and starting him for 57 Mother-Effin’ points.  Words don’t do it justice.  It’s the Move of the Year, without a doubt.  Nothing that has happened since then has dulled the brilliant shine of this move.
• Steve, for picking up and starting Glen Coffee for 16 points.
• Who cares.  I win.

Seriously.  Stop what you are doing for a moment and appreciate the majesty of me.  For a minute.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 5:

• David, for picking up and starting Derek Anderson for a -1 point.  And starting Jerome Harrison for 2 points and having Marshawn Lynch on the bench.  Jesus Christ, man.

• Dan, for not even bothering to start a kicker.  I know he’d like to just draft a team and let it ride, but this is taking it a bit further than I expected.
• The Jainchills, for starting Derrick Mason (0 points) over Brandon Marshall (26 points).  Really?  This was at one point thought to be a good move?  Oh – and also for dropping Miles Austin to waivers in the first place.

I know I usually give this one out to anyone who doesn’t start a player automatically, but the double-whammy of the Jainchills really does deserve it – so congrats, boys.

So where are we with the league?  I’m in the unfamiliar spot of sitting on top of it at 6-2, but the big news, I think, is the disparity in the divisions.

My division has arguably the 2 worst teams in the history of the league – Ryan’s Rookie Garbage, and Tim’s Dorothy Mantooth Saints.  Tim is making last year look more like a fluke with every passing Sunday, and we’re also going to need to re-evaluate Ryan’s skill set, as he used up all his Kharma Juice to get 6 wins out of an abysmal team last year and has none left to prop this year’s version up.

The point is, the other 4 teams in my division are 5-3 or 4-4 (sadly, I have not grabbed a hold of this thing just yet).  Making the (entirely reasonable) assumption that Ryan and Dan may not win another game between them, that’s potentially 2 additional wins out of 5 games left.

Meanwhile, in the ‘other’ division, the worst team is 3-5 (Dan), and there’s a 3 way tie at the top of the division.  It seems unfair, but I’m predicting here that someone is going to be very pissed off that we changed rules way back in Season 2 so that, after the division winners, the next 4 teams get in regardless of division; I’m thinking someone in the Hooters division is going to get left out.

Trade Reviews

As you might imagine, there’s been a lot of trade activity in 4 weeks.  Maybe a review is in order?

Googley Eyes trades Chris Johnson to Christopher Walken Cowbells for Steve Smith (CAR) and Ronnie Brown.

What else can be said?  When you have a shot to land a top-tier guy, you have to take it.  Smith had been a disappointment all season up until that point, and with Pierre Thomas and Steve Jackson as my other backs, I could afford to give up Ronnie Brown, as much as it pained me.  Steve Smith continues to stink, and while Chris Johnson is boom or bust, his booms can win the week for you (and has for me at least once).  With Vince Young under center, I think Tennessee focuses entirely on the run and Johnson has a great second half.

Z’s Threesome trades Wes Welker to The Sh*tBirds for Knowshon Moreno.

I didn’t know what to make of this at the time – seemed like an orange for an orange, two mid-level players at different positions.  But then again, the Pats had not exploded yet, and this now makes Jeremy look like a frigging genius.  That being said, Knowshon isn’t all that bad and is a keeper for a 5^th round pick next year.

Dorothy Mantooth Saints sends Larry Johnson and Devin Hester to The Sh*tBirds for Johnny Knox andFelix Jones.

I have to think this trade was made for bye week reasons.  Larry Johnson is awful, Felix Jones can’t stay healthy, and who knows which Chicago WR will go off on any given week?  The real story here is that Jeremy finally got Tim to trade again, and that’s something we can all be happy about.

Rookie Barrage sends Frank Gore to The Sh*tBirds for Terrell Owens, Laurence Maroney, and the Sh*tBird’s 2010 2^nd round pick.

You guys may have heard about this lil’ trade?

I’m reasonably sure I typed, between IM and emails, more than 10,000 words on this trade during the past week.  I’ve got carpel frigging tunnel.  I had serious questions as to whether doing this league was even worth it for my sanity.

Listen to me whine, I demand it!

So there are two schools of thought on the issue.  The first says that it’s an awful idea, it completely unbalances the league and creates an environment where you’ll have to give up a pick next year to win the league.  To a certain extent I see the point – but consider that largely the reason Tim won the league last year is because he traded Forte, on keeper value, for Peyton Manning and Clinton Portis.  So, what’s the difference, really?  He lost out on Forte for this year (although a time-traveling LaDanian Tomlison from 2006 probably couldn’t help Tim’s wretched, feeble team) and cashed in last year.  The restrictions on the trading should be enough to ensure that you don’t have to do it to win.

The other school of thought is that it’s better than Liquid Jesus.  I wouldn’t go that far, but at the same time I do see the benefits.  Someone gets another 2^nd round pick for next year, they can combine that with a keeper to get another first rounder, etc…..the point is, FFL, at it’s base, is very dependent on luck, more so than any other fantasy sport.  These rules, these complexities, remove a lot of that luck (but not all of it) by changing it from a seasonal game to one where you can think ahead to next season and can make moves that will help you win.  I, for one, like that.

The fact of the matter is, this is a complex league.  It’s going to be very, very hard to just draft a team and let it ride and win this thing.  Draft pick, keeper, and future pick trading is going to be a big part of the equation going forward.  Some of us are way into that – I include myself in their number.  Some folks just want to draft and set lineups – nothing wrong with that, but this league has gotten to the point where I just can’t see someone winning with that strategy.  Them be the facts, for better or worse.

As always, thank you for your participation and for your interest in the league; I always appreciate it, even when I’m bitching and moaning about it.

Good luck during the stretch run!

Week 1 Results

Boom Goes the Dynamite Week 1

Well here we are once again, folks – welcome back!  This one may be a bit somber, as myself (and the rest of Patriot Nation) are going through the stages of grief.  I’m in denial – they’re still going to win the division, 10-6 at worst, and watch out in the playoffs!  Coming in 5 months: acceptance.

I couldn’t even really get up enough of a dander to crush Ryan – too close to my heart, this one.  That being said, I made a solemn vow to myself to not take a QB in round one this year, no matter what pick I got; thankfully (or not), in 5 leagues I didn’t have a pick higher than 6 in the first round.  So good for me….I think.

Now that Ryan’s season is in the toilet, we can move on to another area of controversy, this time from the off-season.  I can’t tell you how many people have come up to me and taken me to task for not writing up anything for our keeper picks – a review, something, anything.  Usually, the reason for this is because they want to know what I think about Carl not keeping Marion Barber with a 5^th round pick.

This guy would have kept Marion Barber.

Now, look, I did put a poll up about this (which Carl responded to be stating to me, “You didn’t even put a “No!” option up!  That’s the joke, Carl – way to keep up), but it really demands more attention.  I mean, the legend is spreading.  I’ve told everyone I know, and they’ve told everyone they know, to the point that instead of spam from Nigeria, I’m getting little Nigerian kids with legitimate concerns for Carl’s mental health flooding my inbox with questions and recommendations.  Most of them involve cooking Carl and sending him to Nigeria, but I’m not signing on for that.

So, really, what this demands is not just a little bit of attention, but a weekly reminder.  I mean, he didn’t even use his other keeper slot!  Just left it open!  “Barber didn’t do anything for me last year”, he told me.

Thankfully, I give you all: The Marion Barberometer.

Now we’ll get to see just what Barber could’ve done if you’ve kept him.  Every week, I’ll run Barber’s stats against the guy Carl took in the 5^th round this year: Donald Driver.

Week 1 Marion Barberometer:

Player	Line	Points
Marion Barber	16 carries, 80 yards, 2 TDs	25
Donald Driver	4 catches for 38 yards, no TD’s	7
Winner	Marion Barber

So, Barber leads 25-7 after week 1.  Tune in next week!!

And now, the results!

Christopher Walken Cowbells utterly destroyed Z’s Threesome, 176-74 (wowza!)

IC Rodeo Clown crushed Better Lucky Than Good, 120-62

Brady’s Losers somehow snuck by Maroney’s Construda, 88-85

What the F*** eeked by BRICK’S TRIDENTS, 131-127

El Rey crushed Dicks in a Box, 127-67

Magic Hat No. 9 wiped out Dorothy Mantooth Saints, 129-126

And now, the awards:

Weekly High Score goes to ME!!  Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 176 points (!!)  Yes!!  I think this is the second time in 3 years I’ve grabbed this one.  Talk to me week 8, when I’m 3-5 and offering trades like Andre Johnson straight up for any RB with a pulse.

Weekly Low Score goes to Better Lucky Than Good, with 62 points; noteworthy because I think he was complaining about his team’s performance at around 1:24PM on Sunday.  Boohoo, Mr. Steve.  Some of us have crappy teams!  Not me, but guys like Ryan or Matt…….yea, ask them about it.

Weekly Brilliance:

• Christopher Walken Cowbells, for keeping, and starting, Michael “Hooch” Turner for 45 points.
• IC Rodeo Clown for starting LJ Smith at TE for 14 points.
• El Rey for starting Chris Johnson for 21 points, although I’m convinced this is entirely accidental.

Let’s give this one to IC Rodeo Clown. Ask him how his team did compared to last year, just go ahead.  Grab a seat.

Weekly F-UP: This one is always easier:

• Z’s Threesome for starting Willis McGahee, who was questionable all week, to the tune of 0 points.
• Z’s Threesome, again. So, during the draft, you take Willie Parker with the 1^st pick in the second round – even though by all accounts he’d probably have been available in round 3, since his stock is down.  You reach for him, and in week 1, you decide to a) start him because you took him so high or b) sit him in favor of a guy who may not even play.  If you picked B, give a look-see out of your room in the institution, chances are he’s one room down from you.
• Z’s Threesome – for no reason.

Z’s Threesome takes it!

Weekly Screwing:

• Better Lucky Than Good, for his whole team flipping him over and doing him dry.  Just pathetic.
• Dicks in a Box, with Chad Johnson for 3 and Todd Heap for -1 – eeek!
• El Rey, with Dallas Clark going off for 1 whole point.

You know what?  It’s week 1, I could go on for days – I have Carson Palmer in another league and I’m legitimately terrified. Global Warming, Russia and Georgia, nothing tops the fear I have right now, he looked like garbage.  We’ll go with Dicks in a Box, as anyone in the negatives should automatically take this.

Matt Memorial League Asshole award – couple options here:

• Steve, for his borderline offensive trade offer to me earlier this week.  Every once in awhile, one of your close buddies does something to confirm your suspicions that he views you on the same level as a rutabaga in terms of intelligence.

Jeremy submitting his lineup at work

Jeremy and his stupid football pool, with all the “the submissions have to be electronic”, and “No, I don’t have any change”, and “The rules clearly state that in the event of a tie we’ll use the derivative of the score of the Monday night game from the previous week and divide by….”.  And every email comes equipped with its own dopey “I know everyone hates them but I’m an asshole so I’ll still use a” HTML background.  That and he keeps touching himself in public and I’m tired of it, smelling like old bananas and covered in fruit flies all damn day.

Let’s go with Jeremy, because it just fits, you know?

So the story in week 1 was injuries – Tom Brady (RIP Pats Season) is down for the count, but somehow, Ryan overcame the defending league champ.  Colston’s injury has fired up a new round of absolutely nutty trade offers from Mr. Steve, which is always good times.  Nate Burleson put up pretty good numbers for Jeremy, but eventually fell to everyone’s level of expectation and busted up his knee.  Symonds’ team excelled despite all predictions (and several laws of physics).  And who’s a genius for keeping Michael Turner?  Tell me, who?  That’s right.  I’m your daddy.

Matt HUNGRY!

Matt’s team did lousy, which actually bummed me out because I was looking forward to a season in which I did not have an owner cursing me for drafting a lousy team all damn year, but it seems that’s where we’re headed again.  Matt was apparently up at my desk with two giant pieces of bread and some mustard looking to eat me earlier in the week, so thank goodness I was in Cherry Hill.  Although I could’ve been a hero to the entire orphanage that currently resides in his gut.  Maybe next time.

Anyhow, good luck next week – I would say “get all your waiver picks in” but those went off this morning, so congrats to everyone for their pickups – and no, Steve, I will not trade you Andre Johnson for Devery Henderson; let’s get that out of the way right now.

Till next week!

The Commish

Week 2 Results

I was sitting at my desk in Glastonbury, minding my own business yesterday, trying to understand some things:

• How can my team put up 176 points week 1, and 69 points in week 2?
• How can Ryan lose Tom Brady 8 minutes into week 1 and be one of two teams that is 2-0?
• Why is Jeremy standing behind me with his pants down?

So yea, that third one shocked me back into real life, as he was angling to put his cock’n'balls on my shoulder as a joke.  I’m telling you in all honesty, I’d probably never have known they were there, but this is the type of bullshit I have to deal with every day.  Well, almost every day.  Well, the couple days I work in Glastonbury, anyhow.

An interesting fact, however, is that the team who posted low score last week (Steve) posted high score this week – and vice versa, as I mentioned above.  Could this mean that all the research I put in, the countless hours scanning the news and waiver wires, means absolutely nothing, and this entire game is left to nothing but the capriciousness of Mistress Fate?

Carl, Mistress Fate, in this case, is not the 80-year old dominatrix you visit when you are “going to Home Depot”.  I’m talking about bigger things here.

Combine the fact that I’m heading into existential crisis and Jeremy is in my cube every 10 minutes, ostensibly to ‘test a cell phone’ (euphamism for ‘nasally rape me’), and you can see why there may not be a lot of sunshine in this week’s report.  I trust you all understand.

Let’s do the results, shall we?

• Brady’s Losers somehow managed to defeat Christopher Walken Cowbells, 82-69.
• What the F*** beat up I.C. Rodeo Clown, 142-130
• Z’s Threesome crushed Magic Hat No. 9, 132-94
• BRICK’S TRIDENTS defeated Dicks in a Box, 150-100
• Better Lucky Than Good wiped out El Rey, 168-127
• Dorothy Mantooth Saints obliterated Maroney’s Construda, 124-119

Wow.  82-69??  This is what it’s come to?  That’s the score of a women’s basketball game, not a PPR league fantasy football game.  For shame.  Meanwhile, Josh blows it completely and leaves his Ravens in over Run DMC, and the defending league champ is now 0-2.  The Jainchill boys do well to start 2-0, and Dicks in a Box is predictably 0-2 after a terrible draft.  I advise all of you next year, do not let me draft for you. Clearly, I’m not very good at this and I should just stop doing it.

The first trade of the year went down yesterday, as I acquired Brian Westbrook and James Jones from Jeremy for Marshawn Lynch, Jericho Cotchery, and Jonathan Stewart.  A fair trade, I think, although it pained me to give up Cotchery, who I an deeply in love with.  It also pained me to have to deal with Jeremy, as the guy has the bladder of a 90-year old woman and continously had to pee while we were in the middle of negotiations.  Get your prostate checked out, a-hole.

“Carl, I will NOT go out with you!”

In other news, expect Ryan to pick up Cedric Benson ASAP as he apparently is signing with the Lions.  As you are all aware, Ryan has a thing for semi-retired, over-the-hill running backs, although usually his pickups are not actually playing for any team, so this may be over his head (see Corey Dillon, circa mid-2007).   Combine this habit with Ryan’s constant, no,omnipresent use of the word ‘irregardless’, which is not actually a word, and it’s amazing Ryan doesn’t get more play in these reports.  The fact that Carl has taken to legitimately oggling elderly women on our way to lunch on Tuesdays probably contributes to this fact; if any one of you would be just willing to touch Carl in his special place, just a little bit, I’m sure he (and all of us) would really appreciate it, because the horniness is beginning to get a little creepy.

Shall we do the awards?  Yes, let’s do the awards:

Weekly High Score goes to Better Lucky Than Good, with 168 points.  This spares us the weekly “see how lousy my team is” post from Steve, so good on all of us.

Weekly Low Score goes to Christopher Walken Cowbells, with an anemic 69 points in a losing effort to the most unlikely 2-0 team in the history of any sports, anywhere.

Weekly Brilliance: And the nominees are,

• Z’s Threesome for starting Santana Moss to the tune of 36 points.  Realistically, I’d have started Santonio Holmes instead; that’s probably why I’ve never won anything in my life.
• Brick’s Tridents, for starting Justin Gage for 16 points.  Really?  Justin Gage?  That’s a ballsy move.  I respect you, Dan.  You’ve got nice eyes, too, and it freaks me out – anyone else wonder if he’s wearing eyeliner?  I’m confused, in more ways than one.

I’m uncomfortable.  Let’s just give this to Brick’s Tridents and be done with it.  I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

Weekly F-UP:

• Maroney’s Construda for starting Derrick Mason, who’s game was postponed, over Darren McFadden.  I wouldn’t have made that call even if Mason was playing. Very sloppy from the reigning Champ.
• Beertap Hooters, for sitting Chris Chambers in favor of Slammin’ Sammy Morris.
• Dicks in a Box, for dropping Patriots Week 2 rushing leader LaMont Tim to waivers.  This season is just continues to devolve into a dystopian mess for Matt.  I’m excited.

Let’s go with Maroney’s Construda.  I’d normally be willing to give a guy a pass and assume that there was a family emergency, or maybe a musical he just had to see that weekend, or something, but this is inexcusable.  Shame on you, Santino.

Weekly Screwing:

• My whole team.  ‘Nuff said.  I apparently have a team full of emotional basketcases, with no veteran leadership.  Gonna be an up and down season, I think.
• Maroney’s Construda, with 2 points from Ryan Grant.
• What the F***, with Laurence Maroney for 1 points. Scratch that; screw you, Jainchill boys.  You knew what you were getting when you drafted Maroney.  You knew.
• Magic Hat No. 9, with Tomlison going for 5 points.  Is there anything worse that can happen to an RB than a toe injury?  Guy sprain PCL’s, ACL’s, get fluid on the knee drained……they play.  Guy hurts his toe, and he’s out for weeks (or will be soon).  I wonder which toe it is?  I’ve always heard that the pinky is really the only important one, for balance at least.  I’d like to request the NFL to actual label the toe.  “Tomlison will be out this week, with turf pointer toe”.  Let’s make this happen.

We’ll go with the number 1 pick, Tomlison.  Congrats, Carl.

Anyone know where the microwave is?

The Matt Memorial League Asshole Award: Only one guy this week.  Jeremy lobbies for this every single week, to the point he wants the award renamed after him.  I’m tempted, only because it’s really funny to site here in Glastonbury and poke my head up during lunchtime, to see what appears to be a Neanderthal eating an itty-bitty microwaved pasta dinner that’s about as large as the palm of his giant, hair-covered hand.  The fact that he’s able to use simple tools still astounds me.

But I’m still not renaming the award.  Matt’s day will come.  You’ll all see.  He’ll be back, baby.

The MARION BARBOMETER

It’s everyone’s favorite weekly feature!  Let’s all check to see how Carl’s douche-baggery negatively affected him this week.

I’ll KILL a man doesn’t keep me!!

Player	Stats	Points
Marion Barber	63 yards rushing, 4 receptions for 41 yards, one RSH TD, one REC TD	27
Donald Driver	7 receptions for 52 yards, REC TD	18
Year to date:	Barber leads, 52 to 25.

Nice job, Carl.  Things look like everything is working out.

I’m hoping this weekend to write up an early-season review of every team and their owners.  Should be a hoot, if I can get to it.  In many ways, I’m dissapointed in all of you, which will make for some fun reading.  And if Ryan keeps winning, I may have to re-evaluate my position on inter-office killing.

Till next week, all!

The Commish

Week 3 Review

If the entire season ended today – well, I’d be pissed, because a couple of you haven’t paid me yet.  But what I mean to say is that, if I lost every other game from here on out (a distinct possibility), it would still be worth it – because Week 3 of 2008, I finally defeated my tiny nemesis, my own personal Napolean, Carl.

Victory is MINE!

You may all recall how Carl defeated me 4 times last year and caused me to seriously question my sexuality.  To the point where I did some things…..well, let’s just say I’m not proud of it and move on.  Regardless, our long national nightmare is over, and order has been restored to the universe.  No longer will our league’s very own Oompa Loompa be able to climb up his tiny ladder to rub my face in his domination of my team.

Victory is mine.

Trades

It certainly seems that the trade market is certainly up in volume this year, if the chatter I hear is any indication.  Nothing gives me more pleasure than hearing from Player A that Player B offered them some completely inane trade, and then hearing, unsolicited, from Player B that Player A is an idiot for not accepting said trade.  That being said, it seems we fall into several categories:

• Matt and Ryan: Pretty much inactive in the trade market, because they have absolutely nothing that anyone would ever possibly want on their team.  Additionally, Matt resembles a manatee with legs, and Ryan can be found at any point in the day chasing a subordinate down the hall screaming “Give me your hand!  Give me your hand!”.  Work is nuts, man.

Your team for mine?

• Jeremy and Me: If this isn’t a buddy movie waiting to happen, I don’t know what is.  We are determined to switch teams entirely by seasons end, which is ironic, considering the crap I took last year when I drafted his team (while admittedly drunk).

• Steve and David: This is your standard abusive-trade-relationship.  Nothing is out of bounds here.  David spends most of his time figuratively over a barrel.  Steve has to have pictures of something illicit, it’s the only explanation.

Seth Jainchill, rev. 1.0

• Josh and the Jainchills : I can’t say much about Josh, since I ridiculed his offer of Philip Rivers earlier in the season and I’m not positioned with my foot firmly down my throat.  Either way, the defending league champ knows what he’s doing.  Meanwhile, I’m convinced Aaron Jainchill of the 3-0 Jainchills is a single child, and his ‘brother’ Seth is actually a tall, sentient machine built for the expressed purpose of running Aaron’s fantasy football team.  Beware of these guys.  They will get the better end of the deal.
• Tim: He deserves a section all to himself.  I famously made a trade with him late last season and then promptly ridiculed him in several reports (surprise!), and he’s reacted like I was some sort of Catholic priest and he was a devout yet innocent alterboy; mention a trade to the guy and he leaves a trail of piss back to his desk, where you can find him rocking back and forth sucking his thumb.  Jump back in, man.  You gotta get back on the horse.
• Carl:  Another guy who needs his own section.  Go ahead, ask him about any trade and get ready to be exposed to Carl’s rapidly worsening dementia as he recounts every mundane detail of every conversation he had that week leading up to him offering someone Brett Favre for $50 bucks and a hug.  Give it a shot, you’ll see.
• Dan and Symonds :  I’m not entirely convinced either of these guys are alive, in the technical sense.  Reanimation remains a distinct possibility – regardless, they are out of the trade market altogether.

The best part is sitting close to Carl and Jeremy and listening to Jeremy boiling with rage as Carl throws out dopey deal after dopey deal, and then failing to accurately describe what he’s trying to do.  Or sending a trade and then forgetting he sent it.   Or imagining a trade he never sent.  It gets to be kind of like listening to Raymond Babbitt talking to Charlie Babbitt about his underwear.

Jeremy taking Carl for the weekend.

Jeremy: “So you want to trade Favre for who”?

Carl: “Favre”.

Jeremy: “I know Favre.  Favre for who?”

Carl: “Like Favre.  He plays for the JETS – the JETS.  I like Favre.  Plays for the JETS”.

Jeremy: “Jesus Christ, who do you want for him??”

Carl: “I like Favre.”

The results, then:

• Christopher Walken Cowbells banished all my demons by defeatingMagic Hat No. 9, 104-98.
• Dorothy Mantooth Saints beat Brady’s Losers, 131-84
• Better Lucky Than Good flummoxed BRICK’S TRIDENTS, 136-129
• What the F*** squeeked by Dicks in a Box, 141-83
• Maroney’s Construda picked up a win over Z’s Threesome, 99-83
• El Rey absolutely destroyed I.C. Rodeo Clown, 98-93.

Weekly High Score goes to the Jainchill Boys, with What the F*** posting 141.  Seth must have gotten an upgrade to his programming.  Jainchills are 3-0 – the Power of the Prospectus!!

Weekly Low Score goes to – wait – it’s a tie!! Z’s Threesome and Dicks in a Box both with 83 this week.  In Ryan’s defense, Brady’s Losers missed out on this by only one.  Better luck next time.

Weekly Brilliance:

• Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, for picking up Ike “Not Turner” Hilliard and starting him to the tune of 17 points.
• The Jainchill Boys for somehow pulling out a win with Le’Ron McClain and Michael Bush as starting RB’s.  Crikey.  They put up 25 total – not bad.

That’s about it, and you  know what?  I’m giving it to ME.  It’s my week, baby!!

Weekly F-UP:

• To Brady’s Losers, for hanging onto Tom Brady and running with Matt Cassell as ‘your guy’ for the rest of the year.  Much like the Pats themselves, and all of Patriot Nation – much dissapointment.  The fact is, if the other team hits 20 points, we are going to lose this year.  I feel sick.
• Me, for keeping Derek Anderson and ignoring how terrible he was for the last half of the season.  Now I’m in the perilous position of having to pick up Brady freakin’ Quinn – I feel like I’ve just been hazed with a broomstick.
• BRICK’S TRIDENTS.  I don’t even have to say why – look at his lineup.  See if you can figure it out.  OK, I’ll tell you – you go ahead and lose by 7 points, and you think: Gee wiz, wouldn’t it be cool if there was a position out there that was available, where 7 points isn’t a big deal, and I could’ve started a guy there?  What?  What’s that you say? “Kicker”?  What IS this new fandangled development?  You mean, it’s been there all along?  And I could’ve just grabbed one off waivers and maybe won my game?  Well, I’ll be!!

It isn’t even close.  It goes to Dan.  If you don’t field a full lineup, you get this award by default.

Weekly Screwing. Where to begin?

• Magic Hat No. 9 – needing 34 points to beat me, Tomlison predictably came through, but Thomas Jones ran like he was mired in pudding for 4 points.
• Jainchill Boys, with Randy Moss putting up 6 points.  This isn’t why they drafted him.  And with word out that he’s already getting sick of Cassel, it could be a long season.
• Maroney’s Construda, with Ryan Grant for 3 points and Braylon Edwards with 5.
• Z’s Threesome, with Wilie Parker for 2 points.
• El Rey, with T.O going off for 3 points.
• I.C. Rodeo Clown, with Earnest Graham for 1 point.  Yikes.

We’ll give this one to Jeremy – he only lost by 6, so anything from Graham would’ve helped.

Weekly <to be named soon> Asshole Award: Where are you, Matt? I don’t want to have to do this, but Jeremy is clearly defining himself as a World-Class Asshole and laying claim to this award on a weekly basis.  Meanwhile, you’ve dissapeared like that one pointy booger up my nose that continues to annoy me, but I can’t get out.  We all need Matt in our lives.  So your team sucks – I get it.  I can understand (particularly since I drafted it).  The fact that you took Buckhalter in waiver is a good sign – you stuck it to me.  Good for you.

Maybe this award will get you back into the game. I know you have an infant in the house, but suck it up and prioritize.  Enough is enough.

And Ryan, you aren’t doing nearly enough.  Threatening to take Brady Quinn?  Why don’t you just parade around here in a sun-dress and a parasol for Christ’s sake?  Step it up, chump.

Brief comments on some stats: Not only has Matt scored the fewest points by far with 251 (next up is Z’s Threesome with 289), but he also has the most scored against him, with 420 – next closest is Better Lucky Than Good with 376 – that’s a 44 point swing!  Bad Karma, Matt.  What can I say?  Maybe eating that last dwarf wasn’t such a good idea.

To all else, let’s get some trade through, huh?  I hear about all sorts of offers, just get something done, will you?  Jeremy and I are running out of players.

One last thing:

The MARION BARBEROMETER

So, let’s take a look, shall we:

Player	Line	Points
Marion Barber	142 yard rushing, 1 TD	27
Donald Driver	4 catches, 76 yards	11
Year to Date	Barber: 79, Driver: 36

Ouch.  Carl, this isn’t looking good.  Guess he must’ve made a quantum leap this year from the 12 TD’s he had last year when he didn’t do anything good for you.  Hmm.

I’ll do All-play shortly.  Also, instead of doing the team-by-team review, I figure I’ll do a mid-season recap that’ll incorporate that.  Be here before you know it.

The Commish

Week 5 Review

MATT WINS! MATT WINS!

Would YOU let this guy draft your team? Matt did.

• Talk about an inspirational lead-in.  I was beginning to have my doubts that Team Asshole would win at all this season, with a putrid lineup drafted by a semi-lucid bantam-weight drunk.  That being said, defeat couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, as Jeremy takes one for the league.

When you think about it, this was kind of like my own personal “Pansy Bowl 2008″ – I drafted Jeremy’s team last year and heard about it to no end, and I’ve had to deal with the silent menace of Matt possibly squishing me between his giant, bulbous thumb and forefinger since Week 1.  Maybe this buys me a repreive…….

In other news, I continue to hear enormous amounts of trade chatter, with almost nothing of mention actually happening.  Other than Jeremy and myself, are you all so enamored with your teams that no one can make a trade that doesn’t involved violating David like an altar boy?  Shame on you, Aaron Jainchill and your Sethbot v. 2.1.

Speaking of trade talk, or just talk in general, we’ll debut a new segment this week, but let me explain.  I sit right next to Carl and Jeremy – behind them, actually.  They sit directly across from one another, so every day I’m in Glastonbury I’m subjected to some of the most innane, blindingly stupid conversation you can imagine.  A lot of it is FFL talk, but a good amount of it is just what you’d expect out of mundane conversation between a dwarf and a semi-evolved baboon.  I think you’d enjoy it.

Carl and Jeremy: our very own Wonder Twins.  Stupidity, activate!

Jeremy and Carl on…….

Word Usage.

I don’t think either of these guys really has any idea what they are saying half the time, but Jeremy comes up with some truly inspired bullshit.  To set the back story: Jeremy has a football pool that he runs each week - standard stuff.  It’s become quite popular, and as he has to use rudimentary math to add up the number of wins for people, there were a lot of us who weren’t sure this was going to work.  To his credit, he’s done a fine job.

That being said, every week Carl tries to pay in quarters – and this week, he apparently tried to pay in smaller denomination of US coin.  We get is this incredible exchange:

Carl: Here’s the money.

Jeremy: No!  No coins!  Every week with the goddamn coins!

Carl: Come on!  I’m stumpy, cut me some slack!

Jeremy: No!  Quarters are the smallest domination I accept!

Can you pick the screw-up?  Now imagine several of these daily conversations and you can imagine why this will be a weekly feature.  Who knows what these crazy guys will come up with next??

So let’s do the results, shall we?  All you posers who aren’t in my league, feel free to tune out.  I kid, I kid!  Read on for more zany antics….

• Christopher Walken Cowbells wiped out Maroney’s Construda, 121-81
• Dicks in a Box obliterated The Collapse Part 2, 101-77
• Brady’s Losers somehow beat Magic Hat No. 9, 136-130
• Z’s Threesome beat Dorothy Mantooth Saints, 126-106
• What the F*** smushed Better Lucky Than Good, 147-102
• El Rey reigned fire upon BRICK’S TRIDENTS, 151-145.

I’d like to congratulate Dan for fielding a full lineup this week.  Well done, clicking all those lil’ buttons!  And does anyone beat the Jainchill boys this year?  Anyone?  That team is stacked.

I just don’t know what to make of the season, other than the Jainchill boys have the best team, and Matt has the worst.  I could see my team going 9-4, 7-6, or 3-10.  Nothing would surprise me.

Weekly High Score goes to El Rey, with 151.

Weekly Low Score to Jeremy’s the Collapse, Part 2 (sounds like the title to a retarded sonnet), with 77 points.

Weekly Brilliance:

• Dorothy Mantooth Saints for starting Steve Slaton over Lendale White (25 points vs. 7 points).  Well done from a guy I’m not sure can tie his shoes usually.  Excellent!
• Z’s Threesome for trading for and starting Michael Bush to the tune of 19 points.  Maybe he isn’t the league’s own little trading bitch……
• ME, for telling Rob Symonds to draft Chris Johnson, who up 22 points.  Shit shit shit.

Can’t give it to myself 2 weeks in a row, so congrats, Tim!

Weekly F-UP:

• Better Lucky Than Good. Andre Hall?  Really?  Seriously?
• The Collapse Part 2, unwisely starting Hank Baskett (?) over Jonathan Stewart at flex.

You want an award, Jeremy?  Here you go.

Weekly Screwing:

• Dorothy Mantooth Saints, screwed by Marion Barber for 5 points.  Still 4 points more than Donald Driver.
• Maroney’s Construda, screwed all season long by Ryan Grant (this week, 2 whole points!)
• Better Lucky Than Good, screwed by Bryant Johnson for 0 points.
• Magic Hat No. 9, screwed by Donald Driver for 1 point screwed by himself for not keeping Marion Barber.

I think Josh gets this one.  Grant has been a nightmare this year.

The Jeremy Supreme Enormous League Dickhead Award

May I be your award?

I’m dissapointed.  I didn’t want to have to do this, but even after his win this weekend, I’ve heard nary a peep from Matt.  As such, I can’t continue in good faith to hand out an Asshole award named after him every week when he’s no longer really an asshole.

As such, I will give in to Jeremy’s wish partially and name a new award:  The Jeremy Supreme League Dickhead award.

Let’s talk about Ryan for a minute.  The guy is constantly running at the mouth about his garbage team, which miraculously is 3-1.  His legs are also proportionally much smaller than the rest of his body, which makes him look almost like a cartoon and makes it even more distrubing when he’s demanding ‘assistance’ while standing in someone’s cube with no pants on.  But what really puts him over the edge with me is his incessant defense of Larry Johnson, an over the hill broken down RB with 8000 carries on his odometer who has put up 2 decent games against a couple of the worst run defenses in the league.  LJ is garbage, Ryan is garbage, and he gets this award.  That’s all.

I swear I’ll have All-Play up soon (in what is becoming my weekly lie to you all).  Separate communications coming due to the massive trade controversy this week, so look for those.

And no more asking me about waivers.  Waivers run when they run, the order is the order, and if it’s wrong, it’s because you screwed up.  I’m talking to you, Jeremy.  Here’s your damn report.

The Commish

Week 5 Review

So we had our massive, everyone-will-be-there gettogether at Hooters in Manchester this weekend.  It was kind of a big deal, as we have never in 3 years of this league gotten together outside of the draft (and I’m usually drunk at the draft, as evidenced by my stellar record over the last 2 years).

I should have known things would go poorly when I got a call from Steve at around 3:45, making sure it was the Hooters in Manchester; I would find out later he was crusing the Berlin Turnpike wondering where everyone was.  Someone get Steve some sort of global positioning device ASAP.

I got there close to 4:20 or so, because I didn’t want to be the first guy there.  It’s bad enough I’m the one that had to organize the thing; Jeremy and Dan approached me 2 weeks earlier and basically demanded I put this together for October 5th, since that was the day they could make it.  I didn’t think to ask them if they could type an email themselves, or if they also needed me to wipe their asses for them after they poop, but I was a good sport and made the effort.

Then, of course, 5 days before the get together, Jeremy asks me to postpone it because him and Dan both can’t make it; ‘family functions’, they say, which we all know is code for ‘Sunday Afternoon Lube-A-Rama”.  To each their own, I suppose.

Tim: You goin’ to Hooters?  Huh? Huh? Huh?  You goin’? Jeremy: Shaddup.

Steve and David are already there, and have taken someone else’s table.  Excellent.  Tim shows up about a half hour later, and starts in with the “You’re such a great commish” and the “I tell everyone about the league” and the “Couldn’t we just touch our penii just once”?  Christ.  Earlier in the week, he approached me with a tearful entreaty to postpone the get together because Dan and Jeremy are “so funny” and “great guys” and “woudl look great slathered in sour cream” and all that stuff.  How has the league come to this?’

And that’s it.  No one else showed up.  Symonds emailed me and said he was there at 4, but didn’t stick around; something about a frontal-lobe lobotomy.  Ryan swore he told me he couldn’t make it, right after telling me that Larry Johnson was still a good pick, and then he snorted his nose like a small bird had just got caught in one of his nostrils.  Matt is incommunicado, Sethbot Janchill 2.1 bowed out, Josh lives at an orphanage in Boston, Jeremy and Dan were spelunking……etc etc etc.

We’ll try again in November.

The only real fun conversation between Carl and Jeremy at work this week consisted of another employee explaining something to Carl, while Carl chewed taffy and looked out into the distance like a mental patient.  Mmmm, taffy.  Jeremy commented that Carl wasn’t even listening, which Carl vociferously disagreed with, while not recalling one iota of the conversation.  Good times.

Waivers didn’t run right! I lost my game! I’m gassy! Burp me!

Jeremy, though, has taken to the lovely habit of questioning every waiver pick he’s made at any point this year.  The site, apparently, is conspiring to take players away from him.  Now, the odds of this happening (a client-specific failure that would indicate a level of artificial intelligence by the ESPN site that would likely predicate governmental intervention) vs. the alternative (Jeremy fucked up) aren’t great, but as commish I have to investigate.  In addition, what was a tie with fellow cave-dweller Dan mysteriously developed into a one-point loss on Thursday morning, leading to a sobbing Jeremy IM’ing me and using multiple punctuation (“What happened???”), which I hate.  So now I have to email ESPN, blah blah blah.   Good times.  Someone shoot me.

Now, on to the results:

• Dorothy Mantooth Saints lucked out and beat Christopher Walken Cowbells, 146-123.
• Brick’s Tridents tied beat The Collapse Part 2, 103-102.
• What the F*** escaped El Rey, 99-95
• Z’s Threesome crushed Brady’s Losers, 113-71
• Better Lucky Than Good shilacked Dicks in a Box, 130-115.
• Magic Hat No. 9 beat the former champs, Maroney’s Construda, 118-84

This sucks.  I put up 123 points, enough to beat just about everyone in the league, and Tim has to go and blow up all over me.  I’m disgusted.  You’re telling me I couldn’t have played Ryan this week?  Christ, I’d have beaten the Jainchill boys! I have to stop or I’ll need to change the caption in Jeremy’s portrait above……

The awards!

Weekly High Score to Dorothy Mantooth Saints with 146 points.  Fuckers.

Weekly Low Score to Brady’s Losers, with a mighty 71 points.  Like the Houston Texans are the best 0-4 team I’ve ever seen, Ryan is the worst winning team in the history of any team sport, fantasy or otherwise.  I’m going to find a stat to prove this out.  Just wait.

Weekly Brilliance: The nominees are:

• What the F*** for sticking with L’Ron McClain (14 points) despite my persistent attempts to convince them that they don’t have a serviceable RB on their team.  Trade me Jennings, now.
• Better Lucky Than Good, grabbing Steve Breaston and starting him for 14 points.
• Dicks in a Box, for starting Bo Scaife (14 points) over Todd Heap (8 points).

Let’s go with Steve, since his team won by 15 points anyhow.  And he beat Matt, which is always good times.

Weekly F-UP:

• El Rey, for the following transgressions: keeping an elite tight end, then drafting another elite tight end; refusing to trade either one; consistently making the wrong choice of who to start.  If Symonds picks right last week, we have no undefeated teams in the league.  Since he didn’t, Sethbot 2.1 continues on his road to FFL (and later world) Dominiation.
• Magic Hat No. 9.  I’ll get to the Marion Barberometer later.  Realistically, this doesn’t even belong here, but I had to comment on the one time Driver outscores Barber he’s firmly planted on Carl’s bench.  Tremendous.
• Me, for picking up Pennington off waivers specifically because San Diego gives up a lot to QB’s, then sitting him at the last moment only to watch Hasselbeck stink up the joint.  Yeargh.

We’ll go with Symonds on this one.  I can’t explain why no one other than Jeremy and me can hook up to trade in this league, but I’m working on it.  I will tell you though, I love the chatter, specifically in the form of:

Waa! I’m the Commish! No one will trade with me!

League Member: “I offered <a whole lotta shit garbage> for <one really good player>, I don’t know why <apparent jerk> isn’t taking it!”.

Me: “Well, you’re strong at <some position> and you need <other position>, why don’t you offer <reasonable trade offer>?

League Member: “Cause <member’s half of the trade> is really good!”

So keep throwing trash out there, everyone…..something is bound to stick!  And I’m not bitter.  At all.  Well, maybe.  Hold on a minute, let me be fair about this…..

Weekly Screwing:

• Me, with DeAngelo Williams screwing me with 38 points…on my bench!  Way to suddenly be competent, schmuck!
• Z’s Threesome, with Santana Moss putting up a big goose egg.
• Maroney’s Construda, with Calvin Johnson going for 3 points.

We’ll go with Z’s Threesome here.

The Jeremy Ginormous Dickhead Award: Going to have to give this one to Symonds.  What, a guy can’t wait 10 minutes at Hooters?  Are you repelled by boobs or what?  Sheesh.

The Marion Barberometer

I forgot to do this last week.  Totally my bad.  The total score will make up for it, though.  Here we go:

Player	Line	Points	Year to date
Marion Barber	23 carries for 83 yards.	8	94
Donald Driver	3 catches for 68 yards; 1 TD	15	52

Driver wins!! Driver wins!!

Phew! I’m exhausted.  Make sure to get your lineups set, and I’ll update All-Play so I can feel better about my team.

The Commish

Week 6 Review

So I really had nothing to go with last week, which was/is depressing in a couple ways.

See, Carl was out at some sort of ‘training’ exercise, and you’d be surprised (or maybe not so much) at how much I rely on him for this report.  I can’t imagine what they were training him to do, but I can’t help but think of him at some hoity-toity Cisco training seminar, repeatedly raising his hand and interrupting the speaker so he could get a hall pass to use the potty, or bugging the guy next to him to let him cheat off his test.  Regardless, without Carl providing dopey comments or trade back-outs, I apparently have very little talent for this stuff.  Pardon me while I jump through yonder window.

Can you believe this guy has 2 kids?

Jeremy didn’t help much, as he has to go and have a kid right smack-dab in the middle of the season.  So, congrats, or whatever, but maybe next time let’s be a bit more considerate of the timing here?  Christ.  He’ll probably have the kid baptized at next year’s draft, I’ll have to draft for him, I’ll be drunk…….those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.  You know the drill.

So what we’re going to do here is a quick run-through on the awards, and then later this week I’m going to do a mid-seasony type of review thingy, where I denegrate all your teams while trying to convince myself I’m better than all of you.  So, nicely done by me on that one.

Weekly High Score to Carl Corriea’s Magic Hat No. 9 with 166 points.

Weekly Low Score to Brady’s Losers with 64 points.

Weekly Brilliance:

• Me, for my Owen Daniels pickup when some knucklehead dropped him to waivers.  Now, since I’m writing this in Week 7, I can see the future, so I know I will shortly trade him to Steve for Ronnie Brown, Marques Colston, and 2 burritos, so there is that…….
• Dicks in a Box for picking up Correl Buckhalter and getting 30 points out of him.
• Magic Hat No. 9 for actually benching LT and starting Pittman instead, for 19 points (!).  You’re more likely to see Ryan walking around here in S&M gear than Carl making a move like this again.  Actually, wait…….

We’ll give this to Carl, but it easily could’ve been the F-UP if things had gone a little differently.  Speaking of which….

Weekly F-UP:

• El Rey for sitting Bernard Berrian for Amani Toomer – yea, I get the logic here, but still…….
• What the F***, for startig Le’Ron McClain over Jamal Lewis.  Something has short-circuited in SethBot’s cerebral processor to justify this move.  I know Indy’s run D is awful, but really?  Really??
• In my absolute favorite move of the entire season, Ryan gambles on Chansi Stuckey (!!)

Ryan rebuilds his team.

instead of Marvin Harrison (!!!).  And, of course, Harrison goes off.  Just great stuff.  Ryan wants to rebuild his team, but he’s using Duplo blocks and the rest of us are using concrete.

Ryan takes this, hands down.  Truly inspired douche-baggery by him.  Well done.

The Jeremy yadda-yadda Jerkoff Dickhead Whatever Award:

Has to go to ME here.  I mean, it’s after Week 7 and I’m writing Week 6′s report?  Shame on me.  Not well done by the Commish.

So….look for that mid-season thingy soon.  And Week 7′s report.  And get your waivers in for Week 8, and don’t complain to me if they don’t work because I don’t have any way of knowing anyhow.  And speaking of which, I’m looking for recommendations on a new site; ESPN has pissed me off with the afore-mentioned lack of ability to review waiver picks, as well as the inability for them to tell me what scores change in mid-week (both of which resulted in Jeremy pissing himself in distress last week).  And who can work in an office that smells like urine all day?

Till next week….or Thursday, since I’m late…..or whatever.  I’m confused.  Carl, how do you live like this?

The Commish

Week 7 Review: A Very Special Episode

I typically write this up on Thursday.  My Thursday this week started with a visit to the bathroom, followed by a decision to go ahead and do a load of laundry.

On the top of my laundry basket is a book that we keep in the bathroom for extended engagements; I need to move this book every time I do a load of laundry so I can get the basket out of the room; pretty mundane stuff.  I typically just place the book on the toilet seat, which is usually down.

On this Thursday, I just tossed it in the open toilet and did the laundry.  I only found out when the book was good and soaked.  So, that’s how my Thursday started.

This was followed by the news that Tom Brady, of the beloved New England Patriots, has had something like 30 new operations on his knee within a 2 day period to fix an infection, bursitis, osteo-arthritis, gangrene, bone rot, athlete’s foot, and breast cancer - all in his knee.  Although I’m writing this after Week 8, using hindsight as a perspective, I should’ve seen it coming.  I’ll leave that to next report.

Very active this year, though – makes me happy.  Since Oct 19th we’ve had 26 waiver moves, although 20 of them has been Z’s Threesome picking up and dropping BenJarvus Green-Ellis; he’s got the attention span of a meth addict tackling the SAT’s.  “I need a QB!  Wait, I need an RB!  Wait, I need a defense!  Shit, I pooped my pants!  I could really go for a string cheese stick right about now! C C C C…..”

You may be wondering why this is a Very Special Episode of the blog; we all remember those from the sitcoms of the 80′s, when Nancy Reagan would appear on Family Ties to tell everyone to say no to drugs, or when Blossom was sold into the Polynesian sex trade, or when a young Matt was told that it was OK to “touch himself” but not “that much (one or more of these may be made up).  Well, I had my own very special episode last week, as our own Jeremy became a father for the second time.

One of these things is Jeremy

We’ve all seen Jeremy; I’ve been lucky enough to see pictures of his new daughter, who is beautiful, and who’s beauty is only accentuated by the fact that when Jeremy is in-frame it appears that a giant potato is holding her; a giant potato in man-pris.  I can only imagine he used voodoo or sorcery or some other method to get his lovely wife to have sex with him at a minimum of two times (and she’s hot!).  And we all know he’s got the personality of a drunken wolverine, so imagine my surprise when in the middle of our normal morning IM insult-chatfest, he began contemplating his life with two kids.

I feel bad about having two kids, he said.  What about the attention my son used to get, but now won’t, he said.  I think I’ll miss it being the 3 of us, except I’m still happy, he said.  I think I have boils on my vashashash, he said.

I mean, Jesus Chris in a chicken basket, it was like he was in my lap making out with me or something!  At least buy me a drink or something before you lay your whole freaking feminine side on display for me!  And get yourself some Vagisil!

In other news, we had a Dan siting last week, where he dropped by our area at work, covered in flop-sweat, and proudly announced his season was over and he hates his team and he’s not trading.  He then combusted right in front of Jeremy’s seat.

On that note, let’s smoothly transition into the awards, shall we?

Weekly High Score goes to The Collapse, Part 2 with 152 points (against me, no less.  Clearly, my Waterloo.  Or so I thought, until Week 8…..)

Low score for me! Yaaaay!

Weekly Low Score goes to Magic Hat No. 9 with 77 points!  Ooompah-Loompah Doompity-Doo!

Weekly Brilliance:

• Jeremy for picking up Adrian Peterson from Z’s Threesome – 30 points.
• Brady’s Losers (as much as it pains me) for picking up and starting Our Hero, Slammin’ Sammy Morris, for 24 points on his way to another goddamn f’ing victory.  How I love Sammy!  How I hate Sammy!  Yeaeargh!
• Brady’s Losers AGAIN for starting Mewelde Moore……really??  Mewelde?? REALLY??
• Brick’s Tridents for starting Malcolm Floyd (who?) for 16 points.
• Z’s Threesome for starting Antonion Bryant for 28 points.

Wow, lots to choose from this week.  Let’s go with Dan, if for nothing else to talk him off his ledge.  And so I don’t have to give it to Ryan.

Weekly F-UP:

• Me, trading for Marques Colston, who is apparently channeling my 4 year old daughter on the field.  0 points.  Scratch that, my daugher has good hands, she’d have at least caught a pass.
• Jeremy, for starting Roy E Williams for 0 points.  Let’s trot a guy out who doesn’t even know the playbook!

Let’s go ME, in what is sure to be an emerging trend……

Weekly Screwing:

• The Marvin Harrison Saga continues for Brady’s Losers, with him putting up 3 points.
• El Rey with TO going off for 5 points.
• ME, with Marques Colston going for a goose egg.

I’m stopping there.  It goes to me.  ME!

The Jeremy Giant-Potato Disproportionate Body Mass Dickhead Award: This one goes to anyone who’s traded with me, ever.

I had it all, man.  My team was stacked heading into the season.  And you all should have known I have a weakness.  Jeremy started it, dangling trades in front of me every 10 minutes.  Then Steve got in on the action.  Josh is STILL sending me trade offers.

No one set up an intervention of any kind.  There was no offers to ship me off to a treatment center, tearful letters being read to me in front of a therapist, nothing.  Just more trade offers, and I couldn’t resist.  I couldn’t stop.  I still may not be able to; Josh, hit me back up, let’s talk.  No, wait, don’t!  Please, do!  Argh!

So my season spirals down the shitter.  Enjoy the view, you assholes.

I hate you.

Sincerely, The Commish

Week 8 Review – A Heartfelt Entreaty to Carl

I know what you’re all expecting.

I know only because, as I was checking scores last Sunday in the middle of Kay’s Halloween party, I noticed that not only was Waterhouse insulting me on our smack board, but freaking MARSEE was getting in on it as well.  Isgur was at the party too, and while he did show me his ass in a futile attempt to get Weekly Brilliance (imagine sheetrock with blobs of oatmeal thrown against it and you get the drift), I was further embarassed to lose so awfully in the physical presence of my league mates.

So I’m sure you’re expecting a whiny, “I’m depressed, woe is me” type column.  And I’ll deliver for you, but it won’t be for the reasons you think.   I think I can only properly express this via lyrics:

It can be this way again.

“Baby come back……
You can blame it all on me…
I was wrong…
And I just can’t live without you.”

 

 

 

For many of you, those words conjure up a mop commercial.  But for a lot of us out there, those words have meaning.

And they do for me.

I found out this week that Carl isn’t even talking to me anymore for fear that whatever he says will end up in this blog. 

Baby, don’t be that way.

How am I supposed to go on without your witty remarks?  How am I supposed to live without you staring out in to space as I tell you why you should trade Favre after his 6-TD game because his value will never be higher?  How can I make it through the day without your utter befuddlement as to why no one would want to talk about Isaac Bruce with you?  How? 

Can someone tell me how?

What I’m trying to say is…..Carl, come back.  I need you.  The league needs you.  The blog damn well needs you. 

Think about it.  If it takes a mix tape to make this right, I can do that.

In other, less-gay news, I was beaten silly by Waterhouse last week, and if nothing else it provided an opportunity from him to come up from under his bridge and taunt me.  Witnesses reported a slightly-less-portly Waterhouse practically skipping and tra-la-la’ing through the third floor talking to anyone he could about how he loved sunshine and daisies.  At my desk, he gloated while mangling an apple in his toothy maw, and I’m told he did horrible, phallic things to a pretzel in Marsee’s office. 

I also was put in the weird position of talking Waterhouse out of a potential trade with me by arguing that my team sucked.  I’m still trying to figure that one out, and on that subject, someone let me know if they’ve has the following conversation with Jeremy:

Jeremy: You interested in <player on Jeremy’s team>?

You: Sure, make me an offer.

Jeremy, after a bit: You don’t have anything I want.

You, confused: ?

I’ve had about 6 of those with him.  He finally got Jordan to trade with him after half a season’s bitching about it, which is more amazing considering Marsee shipped him Witten 2 weeks ago and Witten promptly busted his scrotum or something.  Jordan was sitting on, in my estimation, the team to beat, and he’s traded it all away for a box of Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins and a bowl of soup. 

And finally, the results:

• Dicks In a Box ruined Me, 135-56.  Ouch.  Can it get any worse for me?
• Z’s Threesome beat The Collapse Part 2, 157-123
• Maroney’s Construda demolished Better Lucky Than Good, 132-118
• Brick’s Tridents wiped out Dorothy Mantooth Saints, 154-116
• Brady’s Losers TIED What The F*** in the first anual “Nutless Bowl”, 97-97.  Neither of you guys had the balls to actually WIN? 
• Magic Hat No 9. EXPLODED on El Rey, 173-89.

Weekly High Score to Magic Hat No. 9.

Weekly Low Score to ME.  Yeargh.

Weekly Brilliance:

• Z’s Threesome, for starting Kevin Faulk for 20 points.  This has nothing to do with your ass-bearing at Kay’s party, although I’ll have that awful image seared in my mind for all time.  So thanks for that.
• Brick’s Tridents for starting Leon Washington to the tune of 24 points.  Wowzers.
• Magic Hat No. 9, for picking up Steve Heiden for 10 points.

Let’s go with Carl, whom I love.

Weekly F-UP:

• To El Rey, for having Antonio Gates on your bench with 21 points.  I know, Dallas Clark started and put up 28.  That’s the point!  You have Gates on your bench, and Romo and Bush are hurt!  What’s it going to take, an impact event to make you realize you don’t need both of them?  My head hurts…..
• The Collapse Part 2, for starting Josh Morgan for nothing.  I don’t care what else you had.  I don’t care if it seemed like a good move at the time.  Yours is a team in dissarray.  Stop dancing around on the sidelines like a girl and make some lineup decisions.  Discipline!
• Me, for the sorry state of affairs with my team.  Just terrible.

I take it in a landslide, since I’m the only person who has a vote, really.

Weekly Screwing:

• I’m tempted to say Steve Kay, with Julius Jones putting up 4 points, but really, did anyone who turned down his 800 trade offers that included Jones react with any surprise that he now sucks?  This is why no one wanted him.
• Jeremy Albert, screwed by Jonathan Stewart for 2 points.
• Tim Jordan, screwed by Reggie Wayne AND Brandon Jacobs for 5 points each!  It’s a double-team! Ouch!

Let’s go with Tim Jordan, who could’ve used some points.

Jeremy Albert/Matt Waterhouse Memorial Weekly Ass-Clown Schmuck Award:

This is a tough one, since no one really stands out.  Marsee is over here on a daily basis talking about computers and phones and “uptime” and “deliverables” and other such bullshit, with his fly down and his shirt untucked looking like he just got out of a gangbang in his office.  I swear he’s wearing lipstick these days too, although I have no evidence to back that up.  I give this to him because he’s worked long and hard for it, finishing your sentences for you before you even have half the words out of your own mouth.  His general dumb-fuckery has gone too long without notice. 

I swear I’ll try to do better to have this out on time this week (week 9).  We shall see. 

The Commish

Playoff Preview

OK, so I slacked off a bit.  Cut a guy some slack.  There are several reasons why (herpes flare-up, Somali pirates, finding my doppleganger who recently indicted the stick into the toy hall of fame)…..it’s possible none of those are true and I simply fell prey to the same malaise that hits roughly 50% of all FFL afficianados around week 9 of every season, and I’ll get to that.

But first – regarding this apparent clone……have you ever been placed in a situation where you’re told you look like someone, remarkably like someone, except to your eyes, that person is a detestable, disgusting slag who no woman would sleep with even if the human race was at stake?

I’m a freakin stud of a man. No doubt.

Me neither.  This guy is flat-out SEXY!  Good on me!

Anyhow, that malaise I spoke of only really hits you post-week 8.  You can go into Week 8 with a lousy record, and there’s still 6 games left.  You can talk yourself into winning out and going into the playoffs on a hot streak.

Not post-week 9, though.  Before Week 9, you can talk yourself into all sorts of crazy things.  “I’ve just had a rough schedule”, you can say. “Everyone scores on my team, I can’t figure it out either”, you can say.  “I thought it was a chick!”, you can say.

But after Week 9, if your team sucks, chances are it just sucks.  I’ve gone through this 3 years in a row now and it doesn’t get any easier.  I don’t think I’m learning anything from this, either, which isn’t really encouraging.  I’ve tried to dull the pain by talking to Jeremy, but he can’t finish a sentence because he has to pee every 5 minutes ’cause he drinks water like a bedouin sheep-hearder.  So it is what it is.

That being said – as you can imagine, there’s a lot to cover.  Playoffs are starting.  I’m not involved, and there are those less qualified who are, so you’ll forgive a tinge of bitterness in what follows.  But I’m going to break down every playoff team, and every Toilet Bowl team, and give a little preview of the both, along with my (proven to be) inaccurate predictions.  Buckle up, this could be a bumpy ride.

Seed #1: Better Lucky Than Good – Steve

Former Champion (2006)

Bad Santa Division Champion, #1 overall Seed

Best Move: Knowing David

Trades: 4

Acquisitions: 24

Number of suggestions made to Commish: 2004

Steve, a dear friend of mine, came into the league in 2006 never having played FFL in his life, and ended up winning the whole league.  That’s about all you need to know.  He is also telekenetic, can read your thoughts, and apparently has naked photos of David stashed somewhere.

Steve manages his team like a snake oil salesman coming into a small town in the Rust Belt; he’s got just the thing you need to fix that aching team of yours, you just need to believe in him.  Sure, Julius Jones was a turd last year and the Seahawks suck, but just you wait, he’ll turn it around and you’ll be sorry!  And lo and behold, Jones has a good game and all of a sudden Steve is some sort of prophet.

Say what you want, but his team is legit at just about all positions.  Cutler, Lynch, Peterson…he even stumbled into Warrick Dunn.  There are no question marks. I don’t know how he does it, I can’t figure it out, and I’ve stopped trying.  I just want some of whatever he’s got to rub off on me, and I mean that in whatever way you all want to take it.

Seed #2: Magic Hat No. 9 – Carl

Toilet Bowl Champ, 2007

Trades: 0

Acquisitions: 6 (!!)

Old School Division Champ, #2 overall seed

Best Move: Being smart enough to ignore the advice of 2 other guys in the league who are a combined 10-45 lifetime….shit.

The most frequent target of my barbs and a guy who’s said maybe 3 words to me since week 9 (not coincidentally the last blog I did), Carl has built a solid team despite needing a stool to reach the soap dispenser in the bathroom.  With Brees putting up 40+ points a game, Thomas Jones putting up incredible numbers as the hottest RB in fantasy, Carl has the nerve to ask Jeremy last week if he noticed how well ISAAC BRUCE is doing for him.  Sorry Carl, none of us have subscribed to the Isaac Bruce Fantasy Football Text Alerts just yet.

I ask you all to consider, for a moment, if Carl had kept Marion Barber.  Would it even be a question as to who wins this thing?  Remotely?  I can tell you with certainty that if you find me in a Turkish Gulag, bleeding from my ass after being arrested is a white sex-slavery sting, I’ll still tell you the absolute nadir of my life will be handing the league trophy to Carl.  It isn’t close.

Seed #3: Two Mannings, One Cup (?), Tim

Trades: 4

Acquisitions: 7

Best Move: Sitting back and waiting for the dregs of the league to offer up all their starters for keepers for next year.

Tim spends most of his days at his desk in our Service Support staring out into space, blissfully unaware of anything going on around him.  His laptop bag is probably stuffed with GI Joe figures and coloring books.  To hear Jeremy talk, he’s an agorophobic recluse on the order of Howard Hughes who won’t trade with or talk to anyone.  Yet, he had a great draft with smart picks at RB, made good acquisitions and put himself in a position to deal those rookie RB’s to schmucks who were looking to place themselves into better positions for next year.

So now he goes into the playoffs with Westbrook and Portis, Evans and Johnson, Peyton and Eli.  Someone tell me who has a better team than this guy.  My only hope is he doesn’t take the trophy to bath-time with him.

Seed #4: BRICK’S TRIDENTS

Trades: 0 (Adamantly refuses, seeks to ‘go down with the ship’)

Acquisitions: 33

Best Move: Not killing himself after the draft.

He’s like a silent assassin – Dan moves throughout the league, never speaking, always suspicious of people’s motives.  He won’t allow anyone to take advantage of him, so he trades with no one, maintaining total secrecy.  He runs a tight ship, and fired his imaginary coach this season for imaginary insubordination.  You can find him in the server room running cable, or dropping systems on the floor by accident and then telling Ryan they were shipped that way.  But don’t avert your eyes, or he’ll disappear like a fart wafting away in the breeze.

I don’t know about this team.  Warner and Gore are studs, but when you’ve got Leon Washington as your flex, it’s boom or bust.  He doesn’t really have a legit #1 receiver – he’s a missed game away from total collapse.

Seed #5: El Rey

Trades: 1

Acquisitions: 1 (!!)

Best Move: Apparently not paying any attention at all pays off huge.

This team above all others pains me.  Rob’s draft was an abortion – that Pat’s D goes in the 4th round, “Who is Chris Johnson”, etc.  Rob is like the Art Shell of our league – better than that, he’s Art Shell’s Offensive Coordinator in Oakland, who was running a bed and breakfast prior to being hired.  If he still sat in front of me at work he’d just be staring at me with those vacant eyes….those terrible, vacant eyes……..

So Rob is in the playoffs and I’m not.  What does this teach us?  Does it teach us that more than any other fantasy sport, football involves the most luck, possibly more so than even skill, so it’s much easier to simply let a team ride with minimal involvement instead of spending 50+ hours a week reading injury blogs and desperately typing the same question to Eric Karabell via ESPN Chat only to be completely ignored even though I didn’t post in between 2 minute intervals and was very polite?

OR, does it teach us that there is no fucking God, and even if there is one, He’s got his pants down and he’s  pissing on my head as we speak?  I vote for the latter.

With Romo and Bush back, Symonds is dangerous.  He has no bench, but he’s got Chris Johnson and TO as well, and the Steeler’s defense routinely puts up double-digit scores.

Seed #6: What the F*** – the Janchill Boys

Trades: 2

Acquisitions: 20

Best Move: Spending the first 3 quarters of the season with Le’Ron McClain and Ricky Williams at starting RB and figuring that’d work OK for them.  Wait, I typed out their worst move instead.  Whoops.

Steadfastly refusing to deal any one of their 4 potential WR1′s until their entire season was almost up in smoke, the Jainchill Boys did well enough in the first half of the season to weather their swoon in the second half and end up with the #6 seed.

Not sure how this could work out for them.  Their team is very Jeckyll and Hyde-ish.  Tony Gonzalez of all people is their steadiest player.  McNabb could throw up a 3-turnover game at any point and wouldn’t surprise anyone.  RB’s are still suspect.  WR’s could combine for 100 by themselves or 30, depending on the week.

Ricky Williams is taking night classes at a local community college, though.  So they’ve got that going for them.

ROUND 1:

#3 Two Mannings Bullshit vs. #6 What the F***:

Donovan McNabb vs. the Giants terrifies me.  I can easily seem him tossing up 3 picks, fumbling several times, and having Chunky’s soup main-lined into him via IV bag by halftime.  Peyton Manning, meanwhile, should have a nice bounce-back against Cinci.

Not thrilled about Westbrook vs the Giants either – Portis is also banged up for Tim.  Slaton should do well against a lousy GB run defense.  Meanwhile, Larry Johnson has Denver for the Jainchills, and Jacobs has Philly.

Randy Moss should bounce back against Seattle, Brandon Marshall has the Chiefs, and Larry Fitz has the Rams.  Any one of those guys could put up 30 points in those matchups; Marshall in particular is due.  For Tim, you’ve got Andre Johnson in a touch matchup at Green Bay, and Lee Evans up against Miami.

I like the Jainchills to advance here, despite the upcoming abomination from McNabb.

#4 Brick’s Tridents vs. #5 El Rey

Romo has Pitt for Symonds, and Warner has the Rams for Dan; advantage, Dan.

Frank Gore has a tough matchup with the Jets, Jones-Drew has Chicago, and Leon Washington has the 9′ers, but he isn’t even a starter, really.  Not good for Dan.  Meanwhile, on Symonds’ side, Reggie Bush has Atlanta, but he’s been suspect since his return from injury.  Chris Johnson has the Browns and their 26th ranked run defense, so expect some fireworks.

Bernard Berrian has Detroit, the fantasy elixir, so expect 100 points from him.  TO has Pittsburgh, which isn’t ideal but he should get his.  Toomer has Philly – so it’s a mixed bag for Symonds and his wide receivers.  On the flip side, we’ve got Laveranues Coles and Kevin Curtis - yuk.  Why am I not in the playoffs again?

I think El Rey takes this, setting up for next week:

#1 Better Lucky Than Good vs. #5 El Rey

#2 Magic Hat No. 9 vs. #6 What the F***

But remember, this is me talking here, so take this with a grain of salt.  We’ll revisit next week to see how I did and go over the round 2 matchups.

But wait, we haven’t talked about the Toilet Bowl teams!  And I like that trophy better anyhow….

Toilet Turd #1: Brady’s Losers – Ryan

Trades: 1

Acquisitions: 33

Best Move: The way he asked me to hold him when Brady went down in Week 1.  Touching stuff.

I bag on Ryan all the time – he’s an easy target, let’s face it.  I love listening to him talk to Jeremy and the other guys under him, going on about ‘packets’ and ‘phones’ and ‘dial-tone’ when I’m positive he doesn’t know what any of that stuff means.  And he defended Larry Johnson to me like he was one of the chicks LJ beat slapped around, but it was really Ryan’s fault and LJ didn’t mean it; then he dropped Johnson to waivers.

Meanwhile, he finished tied for the playoffs and got eliminated due to head to head record, so is there something here that I’m missing?  Some glimmer of intelligence?  Remember what I said about God pissing on me?  Well, he’s doing the opposite to Ryan.

I refuse to give him any credit.  He lucked into Matt Cassell’s big games due to loyalty to the Pats, he lucked into Mewelde Moore, he lucked into Kevi Boss, and into DeSean Jackson and Sammy Morris too.  Luck luck luck luckity luck.  And the best part is he’ll be at my desk on Monday first thing to try and talk me out of it.

Toilet Turd #2: Z’s Threesome - David

Trades: 4

Acquisitions: 38

Best Move: Not giving Steve a handjob in full view of the rest of the league? ‘Cause we got pretty close, people……

I’m not sure what David’s grand plan was – it seems like it was, forfeit the the last half of the season by acquiring a big name RB with blood in his quad, who’ll return just in time for a primo run in my league’s consolation playoffs.  I couldn’t explain it then, and I can’t now, but clearly, it’s his legacy.

Meanwhile, I’m not sure about the team.  If SJAX truly is back, great – he’s got a legit RB.  Willie Parker will never be a feature back in the league after this season.  Kevin Faulk has been incredible – as a Patriots fan myself, I can’t tell you the kind of man-crush I’ve got on this guy.  My love is pure.  But you can’t count on him as a #2 RB.  Santana Moss is worthless with Campbell refusing to throw more than 5 yards down the field.  And Antonio Bryant….well, nevermind.

Welker and Rodgers are great, but I just don’t know if it’s enough.  This is a guy, mind you, who had Anquan Boldin AND Adrian Peterson at one point, and traded them both away for the entire paragraph written above.  I don’t even have a joke.  Just think about that for a minute.

Toilet Turd #3: Christopher Walken Cowbells - that’s me!

Trades: too many

Acquisitions: not enough

Best Move: Apparently taking DeAngelo Williams in the 7th round, because that’s about the only thing I’ve got going for me.

If I’d just stuck with my team, I think I’d have been fine.  I have no patience, and the guys sensed that and pounced.  Of my original draft, I think the only guys I have are Williams, Turner, and Shockey.  That’s it.  I traded all the rest away.

So I need help, OK?  The first step is admitting it, right?  I’m not sure this FFL thing is the best for me anyhow, but I can’t quit now, not when I’m so close to finishing above .500!!

This year is actually a step backward for me, as I went 5-8 after finishing 6-7 last year.  To date,  I have yet to finish above .500 in the history of the league, and I couldn’t even generate a weekly blog this year.  I need a hug.

I managed my team with all the calm and cool of the hamster from Bolt.  All I’ve got going for me now is relentless optimism, and I’m sure that will quit on me shortly too….in fact, I feel it going now….yup, it’s gone.  I’ve got nothing.

Toilet Turd #4: The Collapse Part 2 – Jeremy

Trades: 6

Acquisitions: 30

Best Move: Sitting in front of me, for many reasons.  Too many to name.

Trading with Jeremy is like associating with a crack dealer.  He hooks you with the good stuff:

“Hey, how about Boldin and Lewis for DeAngelo Williams and Ginn?”

Why, sure!  Why sure I’ll take that deal!  Fast forward an hour:

“Hey, uh, gonna have to redo that deal.  I need more.  Throw in Turner.”

Uh…no, not sure I wanna do that.

“Come ON!  I’ll throw in Thigpen”

REALLY?  THE Tyler Thigpen!  Dreamy!  Now I’m angry.  Talks break down.  Fast forward a day.

“Boldin is available.  Make me an offer.”

Leave me alone.

“Come on!  Check out my team, you gotta want something.”

We went over this yesterday.

“Boldin Boldin Boldin Boldin yayayayayayaya!  I’m resting my nuts on your keyboard at work right now!”

You have no idea….I hear Jeremy saying “Boldin” in my sleep at night.  If I never heard the word “Boldin” again I’ll die happy, no matter what.

HIs team, meanwhile, is freaking stacked.  Barber, Wayne, and Boldin are studs.  Pierre Thomas is a nice pickup, and he’s got options on the bench.

Toilet Turd #5: Maroney’s Construda – Josh

Trades: 1

Acquisitions: 12

Best Move: Winning the trophy last year.  Yes, it’s been that kind of year.

What can I say?  How the mighty have fallen – Josh rode a 9 game win streak into the playoffs last year and wiped everyone out.  And this year?  Not so much.

His team is pretty good – clearly ran into some rough spots with Edwards and Addai, as well as Grant.  Those guys just didn’t pan out.  Look, I’m not making excuses ’cause he’s dreamy or cool or anything, alright?  I’m just saying none of you schmoes would’ve drafted any differently.  He even got Symonds to snap out of it and make a trade.

Toilet Turd #6: Dicks in a Box - Matt

Trades: I don’t care.

Acquisitions: I love typing this.

Best Move: Being born, growing up, joining the league, and finishing last this year.  As far as I’m concerned.

What a disaster – look at this team.  I think Matt would trade any one of them away for a cheeseburger and he’d be right.  Kerry Collins at QB!  Peyton Hillis at RB!  Kevin Walter at WR!  It’s SHIT, next on FOX!

I’d strongly recommend against missing the draft for next year, lest this sad fate be yours.

TOILET BOWL ROUND 1:

Remember, all – TB is double elimination, so the top 2 seeds can lose round 1 and still get back in the mix.

#1 Brady’s Losers vs. #2 Z’s Threesome

I don’t see any way Ryan wins this, which, of course, means Cassell puts up another 50 this weekend and Moore scores 3 touchdowns.  Who am I kidding?  Z’s wins this to advance.

#3 Walken Cowbells vs. Collapse Part 2

Grudge match!  Let’s set the expectation: I can’t see a feasible way for me to win here.  I don’t care if the ESPN site says Ronnie Brown will score 20 (he won’t) or what Barber will score 5 (he won’t).  I think Boldin puts up 40+ here, and Roethlisberger throws 9 interceptions to seal my fate.   Collapse advances.

#5 Maroney’s Construda vs. #6 Dicks in a Box

As much as I’d like to joke, who knows here?  It just depends on who shows up.  Does Rivers put up 35 or 5?  Does Hillis run for 2 TD’s again?  How the hell should I know?  Stop bothering me!

Dicks advances.

So there’s your goddamn blog, OK?  I still owe a lot of awards and I’ll do a single blog to hand them out shortly.  I’ll also do another to look over the interesting stats from the season.

Please start thinking about next year and any rule changes you’d like to see.  What I’d like to do is after the playoffs, have a get-together somewhere so we can go over the year, any issues, and any improvements that I can promptly ignore and just go along my merry way.

Good luck in round 1!

The Commish

Spring is Here

Aaaaaaand I’m back!

The FFL mags hit the newstands in about 14 days, so what better time to dust off the old blog and get back to it?  I’d like to say I spent the long, dark winter months thinking better of this whole endeavor, coming to the sad but ultimately fruitful realization that it’s nothing more than one big roll of the dice that happen to take 5 months to come up ‘BUST’.  Nope.  Not me.  I’m all in, baby.  THIS is my year.

I should say it has certainly been an eventful off-season.  Let’s list the big happenings, in order of importance, shall we?

1. Terrell Owens signs with the Buffalo Bills.
2. Carl’s hair approaches the fabled ‘reverse bouffant’.
3. The World Economic Financial oh-FUCK-there’s-no-money-left Situation.
4. My furnace shit the bed.
5. I joined Facebook.

I’m tempted to reverse numbers 3 and 4 but I’m not sure that’d be respectful to the millions of people who are eating sawdust because GM can’t make a car that anyone wants to buy because no one can pay their mortgage because Social Security is going broke.   And AIG sucks!  Down with the MAN!  (I may be simplifying things here – or just not understanding anything at all).

If you guys had listened to me I wouldn’t be totally losing my shit right here!

The lasting legacy of the whole global meltdown won’t be the evaporation of roughly 1/3 of the Earth’s combined wealth; in actuality, there has been a seemingly infinite wellspring of financial expertise that has sprung up in it’s place.  Every day, I listen to people who I probably wouldn’t trust to flip a pancake without causing a grease fire prattle on and on about derivatives, short-selling, negatory-mojo investing (I made that up…maybe), and all without wearing pants.  Hey, everyone: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  Let’s all get back to counting packets and pinging shit and what-not.

I’m wondering how many of the 20 people who read this blog are all like, “When does he get to the joke about Jeremy banging Carl in the pooper?”  I’m getting there.  This may be a long blog.   I’m trying to diversify.

Note that joining Facebook ranks last on my list.  There are some positives; I’ve reconnected with a couple old friends.   And I keep apparently acruing points in some way, although I can’t tell what they are for, how I’m getting them or how to stop it.  But for the most part, it’s morphed from a fun activity in which I can catch up with old buddies to a virtual hell-hole from which there is apparently no escape.

Some advice if you get into it: prepare to hate everyone.  You’ll meet people from high school who you never even knew existed who want to be your friends: don’t do it.  You didn’t want to be their friends when you were in close physical proximity to these people; why on Earth would you want to do it now that they are replanting avacado bushes in Malaysia?   I’m telling you: you will hate them.  They will spam your page with an unending stream of bullshit about what they’re doing with their wonderful, meaningful lives.  Hey, fucko, I recycle, OK?  Maybe I’m not making vaccines out of worm semen from the Amazonian Rainforest, but I’m still a good person!

You’ll also have ‘friends’ who send you a host of virtual garbage like virtual drinks, virtual flowers, virtual buttons – Jesus tap-dancing Christ with all the virtual shit!   Now I know why I can’t download bitstreams; the entire web is inundated with  Facebook dumbfuckery to the point where it’s clogged the Internet’s arteries like so much virtual bacon grease.

You’ll have ‘friends’ who like to click on links to let everyone else know they are fans of such mundane things as  ’breathing’ and ‘sunshine’ and ‘mornings’.  You’ll have sad friends who have no problem spilling their guts about how miserable they are in their one-line status update, and you’ll have THEIR friends who inundate your page with follow-ups like, “OMG are you ok call me love you!!!!!”   What ever happened to the silent dignity of grief?  Whatever happened to picking up a fucking phone??  So you’re a fan of ‘sunsets’?  LEAVE ME ALONE!

Where did we get to as a culture where everyone thinks that what they think is so important that they need to update it 3 times a day to let us know they work with a bunch of morons?   Why does everyone think we care what they think?

By the way, read my blog!

OK – now on to the football.  I thought last season was great, my absence from the middle to the end part nonwithstanding.  I would like to promise to do better this season, but I won’t.  I do appreciate the compliments about the blog, but I’m not so sure I’m ready for a career as a comedy writer when I can’t be bothered to update this thing once a week for 5 months of the year after being in an FFL league with several of the dopiest guys I know (no offense).  I’m working on it.  I’ll get better.  But no promises.

So, Tim won the league last year – the bar is set low for 2009, my friends.  I’m not convinced this guy can match up the colors in my kid’s pound-a-ball set, but he somehow managed to navigate the treacherous FFL waters and take the trophy.  He was just now at my desk, nervously asking about his trophy, asking if I thought maybe he’d get lucky at Hooters tonight by showing his trophy off (and that’s not a euphemism, I hope). No, Tim.  No.  But congrats, anyhow.

David, meanwhile, won the Toilet Bowl despite making at least 2 trades that inspired league-wide ridicule and a near-nervous breakdown from Jeremy:

Jeremy: “I just don’t get it!  Why would he make that trade…I can’t figure it out.  I have to know!  He won’t respond to my emails…”

Me: “Maybe you should just let it go and fix all the phone problems we have.”

Jeremy: “Phones, you say?”

So congrats to David, and the lesson here is that maybe, when those ridiculing you are a combined 24-75 in the last 2 seasons, going against the grain may not be a bad idea.

Some interesting statistics from last season:

• Most points total: Carl, 1706
• Least points total: Ryan, 1262.
• The next worst is Jeremy, with 1407!  I can’t underscore to you how awful Ryan was, and how awful it is he beat me like 5 times.
• Most points scored against, total: Jainchill boys, 1640 – winners of the “Unluckiest Award” for the 2008 season.
• Least points scored against, total: It’s a TIE!  Carl and Jeremy, 1377.

We say goodbye this season to Rob Symonds, zombified runner-up from last season and founding member of the league, and we welcome back another founding member, Rex, who returns this year although he’ll likely miss any host of league functions because he plays in 12 slow-pitch softball leagues.   At any gives time in Windsor you can look over his shoulder and see him watching YouTube videos on how to get his bat ready for the season, how to grip the bat, how to pump the bat, how to grease it up – totally manly stuff like that.

There are some issues to work out.  Please – don’t get me wrong.  There’s nothing like hearing grown men sobbing like women because a trade isn’t fair, or what not – that gets me off huge.  But some things need to be ironed out, so think on these:

• I am strongly leaning towards doing away with the resetting of the waiver order; historically this has been reset each week to the inverse order of the standings.  But, really, why reward persistent ineptness in such a way?  This way, if you happen to get a #1 pick, you can hold on to it until you really want to use it, or even trade it.
• The trade situation is kind of convoluted.  Again, as I’ve said many times, I do not veto trades based on ‘fairness’.  We’re all big boys – so long as it doesn’t appear that guys are collluding I’m fine with whatever.  That being said, I do have a 24-hour waiting period after a trade is accepted for review, but I’m not sure what good this does if I’m the guy approving it anyhow.  So, do we get rid of the 24-hour review?  Do I just look at a trade and approve it?
• Also in regards to trades, there will be language in the rules this year forbidding trades with ‘conditions’ (like trade-backs) and also some kind of language preventing teams from trading players back they’ve already traded.

Of course, I’ll also publish shortly the draft order so you can all start working on trades and whatever.  Also, pleasemake sure that you select your keepers by July 1st, so I can write a blog and ridicule them.

Until then,

The Commish

2009 Keeper Review

There are several ‘regular’ columns I want to do – the draft review, the mid-year review, the end of year review.  One I’ve always wanted to do is the Keeper Review, so I can give my inflated opinion on the deluded decisions made by members of the league.

But first…..

A Note On…..

Pandas.

I’m gonna do this thing where, before I dive into the FFL nonsense, I’ll give my general thoughts on, basically, whatever I like.

Last week, someone mentioned to me that pandas, which as we all know have been endangered for some time, are almost extinct.

I know they’ve been force-breeding these things in captivity for years now.  Countless female pandas have been subjected to the panda equivalent of 1^st degree sexual assault, and for what?  What’s really going on here

Pandas aren’t apex predators.  They aren’t really eaten by anything else.  They’re terrible parents – panda moms are known to accidentally role over and smother their young.  The only thing they are really contributing at this point is keeping the bamboo fields under control (does bamboo grow in fields?  I’m not joking.  I don’t know.)

So what are we doing?  Can’t we be curing cancer or dealing with a medication that’ll stop spicy foods from making me sweat like a pig?  Why are we keeping this up?

Would you eat one of these……

Speaking of bamboo – we should all be well aware they can compress that shit into all sorts of things.  Cutting boards, chairs, cassette tapes, you name it.  And wasn’t there an earthquake in China recently?  Here’s what I’m saying:

Kill the pandas for their meat.  Feed them to the victims of the Chinese earthquake. Panda jerky for everyone!

And let’s see a rollback on the prices of some of those bamboo cutting boards, ‘cause seriously, $45 bucks is just out of bounds.  Totally out of bounds.

…for 20% off on one of these? Yes you would.

The koalas should be happy we don’t make anything out of eucalyptus leaves.

Keeper Review

So we’re at the first complete ‘cycle’ of keepers in our league; that means that the guys we kept 2 years ago are in their last year of eligibility.  I think having them has added a ton to the league, particularly because some of you have made some shit-awful decisions and I always love that.   I’m going to go team by team and give my grade for each team’s guys.  I’ll also take into account any trades that have gone down since the keeper deadline and factor that in.

Let’s start with the defending champ:

Tim

Kept: Eli Manning, loses round 9 pick

Kept: Steve Slaton, loses round 14 pick.

I’ve always said the point of having keepers is to make sure you protect guys that you could otherwise get in the draft 2 rounds later.

Wait, that’s the exact frigging opposite of what I’ve always said, which is why Tim keeping Eli Manning for a 9^throunder when he’d likely be there in the 11^th this year is even more mind boggling.

I gave him a pass when he kept him last year because Eli was ‘primed for a breakout year’.  Well, he stunk up the joint totally and completely; I’m pretty sure he spent significant time on Tim’s bench.

You may say that the Slaton pick just about makes up for it, and I would agree with you except for the fact that I DRAFTED STEVE SLATON FOR HIM.

You all remember how Tim had to bolt the draft several rounds early because he had to

a)      Go to a hockey game to play in

b)      Meet with his shrink to make sure he really wanted to go through with gender reassignment

c)      Hit up Quiznos for a toasted roast beef sub.

You pick.

Grade: D (Slaton is an A, but that gets credited to me, and Eli is an F.  So it would be a C, but I made it a D.)

Jeremy

Kept: Anthony Gonzalez, loses round 8 pick.

It was a long and winding road for Mr. Jeremy this year.  He started out with Gonzalez and Pierre Thomas for a 10^throunder, which would’ve been enough to warrant a B.  He then traded Pierre Thomas and his 2^nd round pick (21^stoverall) to me for De’Angelo Williams, which would’ve dropped him to a C.

He then traded De’Angelo Williams to Carl for Carl’s 1^st round pick (11^th overall).  So, he ends up with one keeper, who I think will break out in Indy, and two 1^st round picks.

The funny part of this is Carl trash-talked me about how stupid I was to give up De’Angelo for a 2^nd round pick; I suppose it all hinges on how well you like De’Angelo Williams, but isn’t the idiot the guy who could’ve had him from me for a 2^nd round pick and instead gave up his first?

I’m just sayin’.

Grade: B+

The Jainchill Boys

Kept: Tony Gonzalez, loses round 4 pick

Kept: Brandon Marshall, loses round 11 pick

Let me get this off my chest: I have a borderline-religious rule in regards to keepers: You never ever ever keep a tight end, under any circumstances.  The Jainchills violated that rule by keeping Gonzo, who will likely block all day and all night for the Falcons.  He’s also 44 years old and has chronic diarrhea.  In-the-middle-of-the-game diarrhea.  Some of that may be false.

Brandon Marshall with an 11^th rounder is a good deal; it would be a great deal if Marshall wasn’t an absolute prima-donna headcase with an active trade demand on the table to “Boy Wonder” Josh McDaniels, who ran the Broncos stud QB out of town earlier in the year while trying to nut up and impress the boys.  We’ll see how this pans out.

Grade: C

Carl

Kept: Roddy White, loses round 5 pick

Kept: Lance Moore, loses round 16 pick

Very hard to argue here with the Roddy White selection – so much so that I’m amazed Carl made it.  I would’ve bet my life he’d have kept Chris Perry (mistaking him for Steve Perry, lead singer of Journey, who we all know Carl has an unnatural obsession with) and Isaac Bruce.  But he made the right call here, much to my chagrin.

Carl, we can still be together……..

The next right move was to keep Kevin Smith and lose an 8^th rounder, because Smith is going in the third or fourth round and is a legit 20-carry a game back who looked incredible for the second half of last season.

Naturally, Carl kept Lance Moore, who’s stats drop significantly in the presence of Marques Colston, who is, at last check, completely healthy.

Grade: C

Dan

Kept: Kurt Warner, loses round 7 pick

Kept: Leon Washington, loses round 13 pick

In between expletive-laced tirades in the server room in front of the cube farm I work in and walking around with a far-away look in his eye, the enigma known as Dan struggled to come up with keeper selections this year.

The Warner pick came easy; the guy lit it up last year, and will certainly go by the 4^th or 5^th round this year.  Of course, he is 39 (yikes), has played an entire 16-game season only once in 10 years (double-yikes) and has just come off major hip surgery (shitball-yikes).  So there’s a little risk, is what I’m saying here.

Weeks then went by without any answer in regards to a second keeper; my queries in regards to this were met with curious ruminations on the meaning of life, and why anyone would want to by an entire bag of Watermelon Sour Patch kids when you could get five flavors in a regular bag.  Deep shit like that.

And then out of nowhere, he made the right decision.  Leon Washington is going to be a huge part of the Jets offense this year – which will likely consist of smashing said running back into a pile of guys waiting for him over and over again until his head falls off, as defenses stack the box against the run.

Grade: B-

Matt “The draft is too far away!” Matt

Kept: Matt Schaub, loses round 9 pick

Kept: Matt Forte, loses round 5 pick

Matt is REAL!

Hard to argue with anything here, except for maybe Matt’s continued existence; the man is a phantom, never showing up at the draft, silent in the face of insults in regards to his weight and body hair; but I believe he exists; I’ve seen him!  I have footprints!

The picks here are no brainers, although I’m convinced Matt made them because both guys share his first name and no one can convince me otherwise.  Forte is a top 3 guy, and Schaub, when healthy, runs one of the best offenses in the NFL.  ‘Nuff said.

Grade: A-

John “The Commish” Commish

Kept: Pierre Thomas, loses 10^th round pick

Holy crap, what an offseason!  I started off with De’Angelo Williams for a 7^th rounder and Michael Turner for a 16^throunder.  I was not (and am still not) big on De’Angelo; we are going to see a steady dose of Jonathan Stewart this year, and one has to wonder what the coaches are seeing that we aren’t.  Why draft a back in the 1^st round if you’re sitting on 20 TD’s a year?  Something is fishy there.  So I dealt De’Angelo to Jeremy for his 2^nd round pick and Pierre Thomas, because Jeremy can’t stand anyone named “Pierre” on his team.  Whatever.

So, at that point, I’m sitting on Thomas, Turner, the 2^nd overall pick and 2 second rounders.  Exciting stuff; I got so excited I shuddered and broke a rib.

And then Turner started to eat away at me like a giant bowl of grillin’ beans.  Will Atlanta take a step back?  Does it matter that Turner only looked good against garbage teams last year, and the Rams and Lions were not on the sched for the Falcons this year?  Would the “Curse of 370” bite him in the ass?

I decided I couldn’t wait to find out, and dealt him to Josh for his 1^st round pick (9^th overall).

So, now I have Thomas – who is going in the 3^rd – for a 10^th round pick, and I have five picks in the top 26.  I get an A, I get an A!!

Grade: A (this will be all the more humiliating when I finish 5-8).

Josh

Kept: Calvin Johnson, loses 4^th round pick

Kept: Ryan Grant, loses 16^th round pick

Solid selections here.  I have no jokes (or, it’s getting late the night before the draft and I took two Tylenol PM’s 2 hours ago.  I’m so very sleepy).

I’m going to do the thing that professional sports guys do here and give you some obvious facts:

“Calvin Johnson, he’s the real deal.  He comes to play.  That kid can flat out play, no matter who the QB is.  Lemme tell you what, someone says to me, Calvin Johnson isn’t the real deal, man, I’m tellin’ you, that guy is for real!  I will kill anyone who says Calvin Johnson isn’t for real!  Don’t tell me to calm down!!”

“There is really nowhere to go but up for Ryan Grant.  He’s going to score more than he did last year.  Ryan Grant is a good running back.  Wait – what?  Brett Favre just unretired??  Uhhhhh, uhhhhhh, gzuuuuuuuh….Jesus, what a mess in my pants.  Oh, I’m so relaxed.  Ryan who?  ”

There you have it, from the pros.

Grade: A

Steve

Kept: Adrian Peterson, loses round 6

Kept: Greg Jennings, loses round 7

Good picks here, made all the more confusing by Steve’s apparent obsession with trading for Kyle Orton.  Let me clue you into some conversations I had with Jeremy, just about every day in the month of June and July:

Jeremy: “Why is your boy Steve trying to trade for Orton?”

Me: “I don’t know”

Jeremy: “I mean, he’s got 2 stud keepers!  Is he really going to drop one of them for Kyle Orton?”

Me: “I don’t know, leave me alone.”

Jeremy: “I don’t understand, what the hell is this guy getting at?  I need to get in his head!”

Me: “Get out of my cube, your ass is huge.  There’s not room enough for the both of us in here.”

Jeremy: “Close your eyes and give me your hand.”

So Steve is a card-carrying member of the Kyle Orton fan club – I dunno.  Leave me alone about it.

By the way, these keepers are studs.

Grade: A

David

Kept: Aaron Rodgers, loses round 11

Kept: Wes Welker, loses round 10

Good moves by David, who goes down in league history for trading away almost his entire team last year, forgoing the league championship for his true desire, the Toilet Bowl (he really likes the trophy).

You can’t lose with Wes “Slot Machine” Welker, especially with Tom Brady back this year.  And Aaron Rodgers is really good, too.  Jesus, this Tylenol PM is great stuff – I must be 12 or something for it to be hitting me like this.  I hope it isn’t habit forming.

Grade: A (is that like 5 A’s in a row?  What the hell?)

Ryan

Kept: DeSean Jackson, loses round 16 pick

Kept: Matt Ryan, loses round 15 pick

Ryan initially was in total homer mode and had decided to keep Matt “Sacked 150 times” Cassel over Ryan, which had me tingling with glee.  He changed his mind, though, and made the right call.  Although, when you look at Ryan’s stats, I’m not sure he was starter worthy, and I have a feeling Atlanta isn’t as good this year (see comments on Turner, Michael).   DeSean Jackson is good, but Philly isn’t the type of team that has a true #1 receiver (at least not one that isn’t bipolar, so Jackson still has a shot).

Ryan, ready for work.

I’m going to dock Ryan points because of his disturbing habit of working pantless and batting people with his itty teeny penis.

Grade: B+

*Phew*.  Thus endeth the first annual keeper review, and not a moment too soon.  If the quality dropped later on there, you’ll have to forgive me.  I may end up in rehab with this Tylenol.

Awesome stuff, man.

2009 Draft Review

So it’s the night before the start of the season, and here I am putting together this draft review.  I have a headache but have purposely laid off the Tylenol PM, so I should manage to stay lucid through all 16 rounds of goodness.   I have the draft results on my home computer but am typing this on my laptop, so I’m waiting for the spreadsheet to arrive.  In the meantime, I’d like to invite all of you to come up to the 3rd floor and hang around our area, just to listen to Jeremy attempt to pronounce words that everyone else can say without a problem.

This week is was “consolidation”, which was basically just “conso….consoli….conso” over and over until even I felt kind of bad for him – kind of like you feel bad for a 3 legged puppy until you kick the FUCK out of it.   Luckily his manager stepped in and said the word for him, in his best approximation of Jeremy’s voice (think retarded kid with a mouthful of peanut-butter).  Shortly hereafter, we hit the comedy ceiling when, attempting to fend off one of my insults, Jeremy asked us all to “put common sense together” and come to some sort of obvious conclusion.  I can’t even make this stuff up.  He’s actually an inspiration to semi-functional people everywhere, proof that you don’t even have to be able to wipe your ass to find a reasonably paying job in the field of telecommunications.

We’re going to try something different this year – I’m trying to conserve my wit for the long season ahead, so I’m going to rely on you, dear readers, to assemble parts of this review, using my easy multiple-choice system.  When you see a set of parentheses, simply pick one of the entries within and let the good times roll.

The Draft

Steve was gracious enough to host the draft this year at his (huge/gigantic/monolithic) house.   I arrived a bit early to find Jeremy already there, drinking (a beer/a Fuzzy Navel/cold clam chowder from the can).  It was nice to see these two (bitter rivals/friendly adversaries/closet ballerinas) finally getting along.  I, meanwhile, had already received a phone call from Matt, informing me that he wouldn’t be able to (make the draft/ever get a hard-on again/stop eating cheese).   I was, of course, dissapointed, but hardly surprised.   Matt hasn’t shown up in 3 years, so him actually being there would have caused a (celebration/melee/orgy) to break out amongst the league.

Round 1:

1. David picks Maurice Jones Drew
2. Commish picks Steven Jackson
3. Tim picks Ladanian Tomlison
4. Jeremy picks Larry Fitzgerald
5. Steve picks Andre Johnson
6. Rex picks Chris Johnson
7. Jainchills pick Randy Moss
8. Matt picks Reggie Wayne
9. Josh picks Steve Smith and ships him to Commish for Michael Turner
10. Dan picks Brandon Jacobs
11. Carl picks Marques Colston and ships him to Jeremy for DeAngelo Williams
12. Ryan picks Frank Gore

Best Pick: Conventional wisdom would say Josh made out, getting Turner from me for the 9th pick.  I’d have to agree, if only because Matt and Steve both said they’d have given me THEIR picks for Turner.  I don’t particularly like Turner this year, though – he was almost entirely a product of volume last year.  I would venture to say Frank Gore at 12 is a great pick, especially with how he looked in the preseason.

Worst Pick: I just don’t see Brandon Jacobs carrying a full load this season – he’s always hurt, often leaving games at halftime and just not coming back.  He doesn’t catch any passes, and in a PPR league, that’s going to hurt.  I think Dan probably could’ve gotten Brees here, and then taken Jacobs on the turn.  I think he agreed because immediately after the pick he began hurling himself into a wall repeatedly, which is about 3 rounds early for him.

Commentary: The talk of the round was Matt not showing up, which caused Dan to go crimson with rage, replying to every derision of his picks with, “That’s OK, man!  You showed up.  At least you showed up.”  That was good for some laughs.  Additional attention was paid to the fact that apparently 10 highly-paid technical professionals cannot hook a laptop up to display on Steve’s giant television, and also the fact that I was not drinking a fruity beer (which apparently lost some people some money).   I think I may create a “Dan ‘You Showed Up!’” award this year.  In other news, the keeper rule has finally skewed the first round completely wide-receiver heavy; I was not really pleased with the Steve Smith pick I had to make, but he was clearly the best on the board and I honestly thought I could get him in the second round.  We begin to see why I can’t make the playoffs.

As we prepared for the second round, we collected (pizza money/Jainchill’s sperm/bugs from David’s hair) and (ordered pizza/tested for a soul/freaked the fuck out).

Round 2:

1. Ryan takes Bryan Westbrook
2. Carl takes Drew Brees
3. Dan takes Kevin Smith
4. Josh takes Anquan Boldin
5. Matt takes Clinton Portis
6. Jainchill Boys take Tom Brady
7. Rex takes Marion Barber
8. Steve takes Peyton Manning
9. Jeremy takes no one (trade)
10. Tim takes Braylon Edwards
11. Commish takes Dwayne Bowe
12. David takes Jonathan Stewart

Best Pick: For what I think Tom Brady will do this year, people will look back and regret not taking him in the first round.  Ryan insisted to me if he was there at 12 he’d take him not two days earlier, and then confidently walked away whlie wearing pants (!!).

Worst Pick: For a guy that didn’t practice all preseason, Jonathan Stewart went pretty high here.  Is he really going to break 1000 yards?  Even 800?  If he gets 12 TD’s and 800 yards, are those second round numbers?

Commentary: People continue to ask me how many beers I’ve drank (the answer is one) and we’re only in the second round; clearly, people are excited about me possibly being tipsy and it’s making me nervous.  Dan reaches way high for Kevin Smith and stabs himself in the face with his pen.  Tim takes Braylon Edwards; we toss him a beer and he immediately drops it.  I’ve still got the fucking cell phone glued to my ear.  Rex ignores the wide receiver rush and gives the middle finger to all common sense by picking up a second RB.

At this point, (Steve’s wife/Jesus Christ/a midget) came down (the stairs/from heaven/a fire pole) to let us know that (the pizza was here/it’s an affront to the Lord to take Braylon Edwards in round 2/if Carl needs a beer and can’t reach the counter, he can help).  Meanwhile, Tim fires back at one of my numerous quips by informing me that I’ve never (made the playoffs/had gay prison fantasies/dressed up like a chick 10 Haloweens in a row and pretended it was just for fun).  I was forced to agree.

Round 3:

1. David picks Marshawn Lynch
2. Commish picks Ronnie Brown
3. Tim picks Philip Rivers
4. Jeremy takes Willie Parker
5. Steve takes Derrick Ward
6. Rex takes Thomas Jones
7. Jainchill Boys take Reggie Bush
8. Matt takes Jason Witten
9. Josh takes Darren McFadden
10. Dan takes Antonio Bryant
11. Carl takes Joseph Addai
12. Ryan takes Roy Williams

Best Pick: Having the keepers really skewed this draft; guys went entirely earlier than I expected them to.  That being said, I think McFadden will have the best season of anyone taken in this round, even though he plays for the Raiders.  Someone is going to have to score for them.

Worst Pick: You can poke holes in just about every guy taken here.  Marshawn Lynch is suspended and may lose carries to Fred Jackson.  Ronnie Brown was terrible last year.  Philip Rivers may regress as San Diego re-commits to the run this year.  Willie Parker is one hit away from major injury.  Derrick Ward may see 10 carries a game.  Thomas Jones is 31 (and Rex’s THIRD RB in 3 rounds).  Reggie Bush: see Willie Parker.   Jason Witten is a tight end; under no circumstance should a tight end be taken this early.  Antonio Bryant is a headcase.  Joseph Addai is washed up.  Roy Williams isn’t a legit #1 WR.   All this being said, Joseph Addai was truly dreadful last year, and will actually lose carries to Donald Brown.  Awful pick in the third round.

Commentary: To our astonishment, Rex continues to ignore (his lack of wide receivers/good hygiene/Father Time) by (drafting another running back/picking his nose 2 nuckles deep/remembering his name).  We continue to be amazed by Tompkin’s (hatred of his own team/hatred of everyone else’s team/guyliner).

Round 4:

1. Ryan takes Bernard Berrian
2. Carl takes Chad Ochocinco
3. Dan takes Donald Driver
4. Josh keeps Calvin Johnson
5. Matt takes TJ Houshmanzadeh
6. Jainchill Boys keep Tony Gonzalez
7. Rex takes Vincent Jackson
8. Steve takes Antonio Gates
9. Jeremy takes Willie Parker
10. Tim takes Larry Johnson
11. Commish takes Tony Romo
12. Ryan takes Dallas Clark

Best Pick: Obviously, the keeper pick of Calvin Johnson is a winner, but I’m not counting keepers for this.  So we’ll give it to Jeremy, who makes a surprisingly decent pick for a Cro-Magnon man.  Rashard Mendenhall looked awful in the preseason and every indication is that Parker will remain the feature back in Pittsburgh; that being said, it’s only a matter of time before a brisk wind shatters his clavicle.  Props to Carl as well, as I think Chad Ochocinco is going to have a huge bounce-back season.

Worst Pick: Again, since I’m not dealing with keepers here I can’t pick the Tony Gonzalez keeper by the Jainchill boys – although I’d like to, since Gonzo is going to be blocking a ton this year.  And although the Larry Johnson pick elicited a lot of head-nodding at the time, I’m just not sure LJ has anything left in the tank.   Still, Dan could’ve gotten Donald Driver 2 rounds later; he’s a year older and a clear #2 to Greg Jennings in Green Bay.  I know for a fact Dan agrees with me here – then again, he’d agree with me if I gave every one of his picks the “Worst Pick” for that round.  He’s like that.

Commentary: There really isn’t any narrative flow yet.  At this point, Matt hangs up and demands ‘best available’, eliciting moans from everyone except Dan, who’s eyes roll back into his head as he begins chanting in a language and tone that can only be described as “disturbing”.   What this essentially means is that anyone who is sandwiched directly after Matt and is salivating because someone before Matt made a dumbass pick knows they aren’t going to get that guy, because Auto-Matt will take him.  Were Matt to walk into the draft at this point, the entire league quiet possibly could set upon him like a pack of dogs.  Of course, this also means that everytime I have to pick for Matt I have to fend off the 6 guys who want to stick him with a kicker in the 6th round.  I’m about a half a beer away from acquiesence on this.

Round 5:

1. David takes Santonio Holmes
2. Commish takes Knowshon Moreno
3. Tim takes Torry Holt
4. Jeremy takes Ray Rice
5. Steve keeps Greg Jennings
6. Rex picks LenDale White
7. Jainchill Boys takes Derrick “No, I’m not retired” Mason
8. Matt is given Ahmad Bradshaw
9. Josh takes Chris “Beanie” Wells
10. Dan takes Hines Ward
11. Carl keeps Roddy White
12. Ryan takes Chris Henry

Best Pick: I have to pat myself on the back a bit – I love the Moreno pick, only because I think he’ll be great and I can keep him.  That being said, I think Ray Rice will be better this year.  So Jeremy takes this one.

Worst Pick: LenDale White?  Really?  I know he lost 40 pounds, but in round 5?  When you’ve only got one wide receiver?  Rex is drafting all kinds of stupid here; I begin to actively question whether I should’ve invited him back and make sure I already have his money.

Note: I’m typing this out as I’m watching the Titans and Steelers, and just realized I started Rob Bironas as my kicker.  He’s got me at -3.  What in the holy fuck is going on here?  Carl started Heath Miller, who I’m reasonably sure he’d never HEARD of before the draft, who has 9 points in the first half.  I want to kill someone.  I may combust.  I hate Fantasy Football.  This review is officially off the fucking rails.

Round 6:

1. Ryan takes Donald Brown
2. Carl takes The Baltimore Ravens DEF - Note: Ok, read the paragraph above.  This guy is beating my ASS right now.  I can’t take it.  I don’t know if I can do it.  Let’s disaband the league.  Fucking close up SHOP, man!  I’m losing it.  A defense in the 6th round??  Oh my Lord!!  We’re as DEFCON 5!!  Batten down the fucking hatches!  This blog will be typed from here on in the NUDE!!
3. Dan takes Santana Moss
4. Josh takes Donovan McNabb
5. Matt takes the corpse of Jamal Lewis
6. The Jainchills take Cedric Benson
7. Rex takes Carson Palmer
8. Steve keeps Adrian Peterson
9. Jeremy takes Felix Jones
10. Tim picks Fred Taylor
11. Commish takes Greg Olsen
12. David takes Percy Harvin

Best Pick: I hate Josh for taking Donovan McNabb here, because it made me rue taking Romo in the fourth.  I mean, look, I’m in a homicidal mood right now.  I may not be thinking straight, but I hate Josh for taking McNabb.  Hate him.  And this happened 2 weeks ago?  I don’t know if I can make it for a whole season.  Are you all aware that Bironas has missed like 3 kicks in his last 3,000 or some ridiculous fucking stat?  It’s going to be one hell of a long year.  Where’s my beer?

Worst Pick: Carl didn’t just make the worst pick of the draft, but maybe the worst pick of any organized sport in which selections are made in some sort of order.  If someone asked me what was the worst play in the history of water polo, I’d say, “Carl’s 6th round pick in 2009 was the worst water polo play of all time”.  This pick was the worst figure skating routine of all time, the worst game pitched by a pitcher at any level…….he’s officially trancended fantasy football.  Carl is trancendent.

Commentary: …………..

Note: I’ve drank a beer in between “Worst Pick” and “Commentary”.  I’m trying to get back into this.  Give me a minute.   I thk I jst hd a sroke.  I’m drooling a bit now.  I don’t think I’m healthy.  I’m having a fucking existential crisis.   I have the dumbest superpower of all time: I can affect the universe in ways that are awful for me via Fantasy Football.  With great power comes great responsibility; this power just sucks.

Round 7:

1. David takes Le’Ron McClain
2. Commish takes Jericho Cotchery
3. Tim takes Devin Hester
4. Jeremy keeps DeAngelo Williams, but trades to Carl for his 1st round pick.
5. Steve takes Lee Evans
6. Rex takes Jay Cutler
7. Jainchill Boys take Jerome Harrison
8. Matt takes Kevin Walter
9. Josh takes Donnie Avery
10. Dan keeps Kurt Warner
11. Carl takes Chris Cooley
12. Ryan takes John Carlson

Note: It’s Friday.  I finished the game and went to bed.  I clearly need therapy of some sort – maybe electro-shock.  Let’s try this again.

Best Pick: Jeremy is really cleaning up here and it’s disturbing.  As you will recall, I traded DeAngelo to Jeremy for his 2nd round pick as well as Pierre Thomas and spent the ensuing offseason walking around with a huge hard-on about the deal.  Jeremy then turned DeAngelo into Carl’s 1st round pick (11 overall).  Now, this makes me look stupid for not attempting a better trade in the first place (although, less stupid because I think Thomas will truly be a stud this year), and makes Carl look stupid for not approaching me about DeAngelo when I was clearly willing to accept a 2nd round pick for him.  Carl should be used to looking stupid by now (see Round 6 summary), but for me, Jeremy outsmarting me was not unlike losing a footrace to a guinea pig – a slow, fucked up guinea pig.  I hated typing this entire paragraph.  Hated it.

Worst Pick: David continues to just totally stink it up.  The Ravens practically took out billboards announcing that McClain will be playing fullback almost exlusively this year.  And, we don’t start fullbacks.  Rex also gets an honorable mention for continuing to ignore the gaping hole at wide receiver in his roster, taking back to back QB’s here.

Commentary: I didn’t know who Jerome Harrison was when he was drafted.  I don’t know what this says about my preparation.  I’m reasonably sure John Carlson would’ve been there in the 12th round, but Ryan was so excited to get him he immediately (cheered/did a little dance/started feverishly working his crank).   Josh took a little longer than usual to make his pick, leading us to speculate that he probably had (a bad phone connection/the clap/an auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish).

Round 8:

1. Ryan takes Michael Crabtree
2. Carl takes Fred Jackson
3. Dan takes Tim Hightower
4. Josh takes Laveranues Coles
5. Matt takes Steve Breaston
6. Jainchill Boys takes Domenik Hixon
7. Rex takes Owen Daniels
8. Steve takes Earnest Graham
9. Jeremy keeps Anthony Gonzalez
10. Tim takes Ted Ginn, Jr.
11. Commish takes Davone Bess
12. David takes Kellen Winslow, Jr.

Best Pick: Carl perplexes me.  I mean, more than my wife does, and that makes me uncomfortable.  Seriously.  The Fred Jackson pick is a great one – Jackson will get 3 starts to prove he deserves a bigger slice of the pie in Buffalo and I think he does (and he will prove it).  Either way, he gets 3 starts out of him in the 8th round.  I know for a fact that Carl probably didn’t even read a magazine until the night before the draft – possibly the hour before the draft.  I know this because he has this odd calm about him – he sits back and just puts his hands behind his head and relaxes, even as we are ridiculing his picks; it’s like he knows something we don’t.  He’s some sort of cipher – a chameleon.  I don’t know what to think anymore.  It’s affecting my life and how I view the world, and I don’t know where it’s going to go – but if he makes the playoffs here I may put my head in an oven.  It isn’t as if I’m wishing his team ill, but I guess if I have to choose between my own life and Carl’s team not making the playoffs, my life wins out – but it’s closer than you think, and the margin is only going to get tighter as the season wears on.

Worst Pick: The deeper I go into this review the more I think I may totally just lose my shit and end up living in a hole in the ground, like some crazy survivalist, muttering to myself and shitting in the hole I dug.  The Davone Bess pick had to be induced by something that someone slipped me; I can’t explain it.  What a shitty pick.  I will thank you, though, whoever you are that roofied me, for not dry-raping me while I was under the influence – but you wanted to.  You know you did.

Commentary: Ryan takes a huge gamble (drafting Crabtree, who hasn’t signed/wearing that skirt/eating that much potato salad in one sitting).  No one wants Steve Breaston, which evolves into the one moment that he happens to be the top guy on the list we are using and is also a guy we are fine giving to Matt; every other pick for him for the rest of the draft elicits (calls for Matt’s head/sobs of fury from Dan/metal clanking sounds coming from Seth’s skull).

Round 9:

1. David takes Matt Hasselbeck
2. Commish takes Matt Cassel
3. Tim keeps Eli Manning
4. Jeremy takes Ben Roethlisberger
5. Steve takes the Pittsburgh Steelers DEF
6. Rex takes Darren Sproles
7. Jainchill Boys take Rashard Mendenhall
8. Matt keeps Matt Schaub
9. Josh takes Smokin’ Julius Jones
10. Dan takes Justin Fargas
11. Carl takes Stephen Gostkowski
12. Ryan takes Jerious Norwood

Best Pick: I like Jerious Norwood precisely because I do not like Michael Turner: I am almost positive Turner will miss time this year, and Atlanta will remain a heavy rushing team.  Norwood is one of those guys that the coaching staff insists will be “more involved” in the offense this year, so we’ll see.

Worst Pick: What the FUCK with a kicker in the 9th?  Or a defense in the ninth?  Here’s the thing: statistically, there is virtually no difference between any defense in our league.  Now, there are leagues in which defenses matter a bit, but in this league, they do not.  In NO league is there any statistical difference between one kicker and the other.  So Carl follows up his “Worst Pick Ever” of a defense in round 6 by actually topping himself only 3 rounds later, in the same goddamned draft!  My head is spinning – and he’s sitting there with that smug look on his face.  He’s some sort of warlock!  He’s trying to drive me nuts!

Commentary: Carl responds to the howls and hoots of derision following his kicker pick by (ignoring us/hacking us to bits with a machete/shitting in his hand and tossing it at us).  Steve justifies his love of the Pittsburgh Defense by (immediately offering to trade it for Maurice Jones-Drew, with a straight face/doing an interpretive dance/punching Jeremy in the stomach for no good reason).

Round 10:

1. Ryan takes the New York Giants DEF
2. Carl takes Kevin Curtis
3. Dan takes Malcolm Floyd
4. Josh takes Brent Celek
5. Matt takes the Tennessee Titans DEF
6. Jainchill Boys takes the Chicago Bears DEF
7. Rex takes Chris Chambers
8. Steve takes LeSean McCoy
9. Jeremy takes Vicant Viscna That tight end from MIN.
10. Tim takes the Minnesota Vikings DEF
11. Commish keeps Pierre Thomas
12. David keeps Wes Welker

Best Pick: I would automatically give it to Rex because he finally took a second wide receiver, but he took a guy from the same team as his first guy, so I’m going to move him down to the next paragraph.  A couple good tight end picks here, proof that you really didn’t need to reach for one in rounds 3, 4, or 5 (or, heaven forbid, actually keep one that’s going to be blocking 75% of the time).  This one goes to Steve for his LeSean McCoy pick for several reasons: keeper value, and the certainty that Brian Westbrook will miss time this year.  From all acounts, McCoy is a clone of Westbrook (at least in style) who is probably the future of Philly’s backfield.  If we don’t see a clear transition this year, more than likely we will next.

Worst Pick: A run on defenses?  Seriously?  Who are you people?  Everyone who took defenses, and Rex, get the worst pick this round.

Commentary: Flummoxed by all the defenses taken, I contemplate joining the run but decide instead to (not join the run/take a shit/take off my socks).  I was OK with this because (defenses aren’t worth 10th round picks/I had been plugged up for weeks/I respect none of you in any way, shape or form).

Round 11:

1. David keeps Aaron Rodgers
2. Commish takes Vernon Davis
3. Tim takes Jeremy Shockey
4. Jeremy takes the Philadelphia Eagles DEF
5. Steve takes Josh Morgan
6. Rex takes Deion Branch
7. Jainchil Boys keep Brandon Marshall
8. Matt takes Kyle Orton
9. Josh takes Joe Flacco
10. Dan takes Anthony Fasano
11. Carl takes Brett Favre
12. Ryan takes Mark Sanchez

Best Pick: A lot of good value picks here and potential keepers.  If I have to choose, I like the Joe Flacco pick; he was a much better fantasy QB over the second half of last season than people remember.  But I’m tempted to go with Brett Favre, if only because it elicited at least 5 of the “Rain Man” impressions of Carl that has become a staple of our league.  That’s always worth something in my book.

Worst Pick: I hate my pick of Vernon Davis, so much that I dropped him two days later.  He’s a headcase and I’m legitimately concerned that Mike Singletary may choose to “teach him a lesson” down the line that may have him questioning his sexuality.  Who needs that in your tight end (pun could possibly be intended)?

Commentary: This was a pretty good round, may be the round in which no one fucked anything up severely.  I could’ve sworn Carl took a backup kicker in this round but the documentation doesn’t bear that out – what it does bear out is that I’ve come to the conclusion that anything is on the table with Carl.  Two kickers, three tight ends, maybe a linebacker thrown in just to fuck with me.  There are no limits.

Round 12:

1. Ryan picks Laurence Maroney
2. Carl takes Sammy Morris
3. Dan takes the New York Jets DEF
4. Josh takes Dustin Keller
5. Matt takes Ryan Longwell
6. Jainchill Boys take Zach Miller (OAK)
7. Rex takes Michael Jenkins
8. Steve takes Jamaal Charles
9. Jeremy takes Shonn Greene
10. Tim takes Bobby Engram
11. Commish takes the Dallas Cowboys DEF
12. David takes the San Diego Chargers DEF

Best Pick: Now THIS is the round to take a defense, boy!  Major props to all those who waited this long.  Well done!   As I believe I’ve said all along, the 12th round is REALLY when you want to pounce on that defense!  That being said, I love the Shonn Greene and Zach Miller picks.  I’ll give it to the Jainchills, because another ‘best pick’ for Jeremy and he may think I have a crush on him or something.  I do not.

Worst Pick: I’m a PATS fan through and through, and I am NOT, I repeat, NOT, a believer in Laurence Maroney.  I can recall a time when, prior to his rookie season, Ryan came over to my desk and we both discussed how incredible this kid looked in the preseason and how special a player he could be for us, for years to come.   Of course, this was immediately followed by Ryan demanding to show me his nipple ring, but this type of behavior was par for the course even back then.  4 years later, it’s just been injury after injury, and the Pats have wisely found it necessary to surround him with waiver-wire fodder and retreads to make sure he holds up.  Frankly, I’d rather have Sammy Morris (picked right after Maroney).

Commentary: We’re about 2 hours into the draft at this point and patience is low.  Dan even brushed off Tim’s offer of (another beer/tickets to CATS/oral pleasure) – I wouldn’t have seen that coming.  Rex is sleepy and attempts to put his head on my shoulder; I react with appropriate revulsion.  Seth has his oil changed and recalibrates his Fantasmo-meter 2000 for the final 4 rounds.  We’re kind of freaked out.

Round 13:

1. David takes Earl Bennet
2. Commish takes David Garrard
3. Tim takes Michael Bush
4. Jeremy takes Jake Delhomme
5. Steve takes Trent Edwards
6. Rex takes Brian Robiskie
7. Jainchill Boys take Marc Bulger
8. Matt takes Chester Taylor
9. Josh takes the New England Patriots DEF
10. Dan keeps Leon Washington
11. Carl takes Heath Miller
12. Ryan takes Mason Crosby

Best Pick: The first 3 picks of this round were winners – Bennet will see a lot of targets, Garrard was a top-10 fantasy QB last year, and Bush will be in line for some good carries once everyone in Oakland realizes that slamming Justin Fargas headlong into the pile play after play really doesn’t count as a running game.  I’ll give it to Tim.

Worst Pick: Jeremy becomes the first to pick a QB suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder on his team; hopefully this pick comes with a built-in therapist for the next time Delhomme melts down to the tune of 5 interceptions and 3 fumbles.  Is it bad that I still don’t know who Brian Robiskie is, 3 weeks after the draft?  I think Jeremy takes this one, and I have a feeling he was pining for Garrard, which makes me tingle with glee.

Commentary: The complaints now begin in earnest as people take the full 90 seconds to pick backup tight ends and kickers.  At one point Steve puts on his jacket as if to leave but suddenly remembers he’s at home.  David, meanwhile, has put on his bicycle helmet with no intention of leaving, or even of riding a bike.  We don’t even flinch.

Round 14:

1. Ryan takes Kerry Collins
2. Carl takes Nate Burleson
3. Dan Tomkins takes Neil Rackers
4. Josh takes the Arizona Cardinals Defense
5. Matt takes Patrick Crayton
6. Jainchill Boys take Miles Austin
7. Rex takes Brandon Pettigrew
8. Steve takes David Akers
9. Jeremy takes Darius Heyward-Bey
10. Tim keeps Steve Slaton (you’re welcome.)
11. Commish takes Rob Bironas (Note: What the FUCK?!)
12. David takes Garrett Hartley

Best Pick: The Matt “best available” pick of Patrick Crayton had just about everyone after him homicidal with rage.  Several of us wanted to march on his home with torches as if he were Frankenstein’s monster, only far less attractive, and of a more pungent odor.

Worst Pick: Josh follows up his 13th round pick of a defense with a 14th round pick of another defense, violating not only the rules of common sense, but the rules of football in general by picking a defense that doesn’t actually even exist.  However, given the events of Thursday night, this honor goes to me.  I will send Rob Bironas a personal note apologizing for fucking up his kicker-mojo by drafting him on to his team and beg for forgiveness.

Commentary: We’re all getting cranky, as an argument breaks out between Ryan and I over how many running backs Matt has on his team:

Me: "I'm telling you, he's only got 4 backs."
Ryan: "Fuck that, he's got 5.  The system says he's got five".
Me: "By my notes he has 4."
Ryan: "Let's settle this like men!  Take your pants off and bend over!"
Me: "Aieeeeeeee!"
Tim: *touching himself*

Round 15:

1. David takes James Davis
2. Commish takes Robbie Gould and ships him to Jeremy
3. Tim takes Nate Kaeding
4. Jeremy takes Chad Pennington
5. Steve takes Steve Smith (NYG)
6. Rex takes Matthew Stafford
7. Jainchill Boys take Willis McGahee
8. Matt takes Kevin Boss
9. Josh takes Nick Folk
10. Dan takes Shaun Hill
11. Carl takes Rashad Jennings
12. Ryan keeps Matt Ryan

Best Pick: I love the James Davis pick by David; there is no way Jamal Lewis holds up this entire season.  He’s practically in decay already.  The Matt pick of Kevin Boss has Jeremy flop-sweating, as he needs another tight end.

Worst Pick: Hard to really criticize at this point.  The right mix of kickers and late-round flyers.  That, and I’ve spent like 10 hours on this thing, and the quality is plummetting.  One of my tells is when I go to the “Ryan as a agressively gay sexual predator” well one too many times – that means it’s getting late and I’m sleepy.

Commentary: We’re all ready to go home now.  Rex has drafted a grand total of 4 wideouts, 2 from the same team and 2 who probably won’t ever even see the field, and yet is strangely content; stupitidy makes one happy, apparently.  Steve grabs a piece of lukewarm pizza and (eats it/rubs it all over his face/puts it down his pants and dares anyone to get it).  Things are getting weird.

Round 16:

1. Ryan keeps DeSean Jackson
2. Carl keeps Lance Moore
3. Dan takes Tony Scheffler
4. Josh keeps Ryan Grant
5. Matt takes the Indianapolis Colts DEF
6. Jainchill Boys take Olindo Mare
7. Rex takes Bo Scaife
8. Steve takes JaMarcus Russell
9. Jeremy takes Todd Heap
10. Tim takes the Miami Dolphins DEF
11. Commish keeps Michael Turner and ships him to Josh
12. David takes the Green Bay Packers DEF

Commentary: Rex, in desperate need of a late-round tight end, doesn’t know what to do with himself, so I suggest Bo Scaife, because I’m a nice guy.  Jeremy proceeds to rip off my arm and beat me half to death with it in rage.  And on that note, the 2009 draft ends.

Thanks to everyone for (coming to the draft/not coming on Steve’s furniture/tolerating David’s stench).  As with every year, I feel like the league just gets (better/worse/filled up with more cheese) at each subsequent draft, and it leaves me (excited/depressed/constipated) for the entire season ahead.  Good luck to all and here’s to a great (year/roast beef sub every Wednesday/series of regular bowel movements).

The Commish

Week 1 Review

Glorious, glorious day!! Fantasy football is back!  Hurrah!

So why am I so miserable, already?

Look, I love fantasy football – but I hate fantasy football.  I love the comeraderie, but I hate my team.  I love the draft, I just hate the results.  Week 1 pretty much sums it all up for me, and leaves me with just the most disturbing thought.

I have to ask Carl to be my FFL master.  I need to apply to be his Padawan learner.

Because I can’t figure it out anymore.  From June onwards, I buy just about every dopey FFL rag I can get my hands on.  On vacation, my kids are running full-bore into a riptide that just capsized a small Starcraft, and I have no clue what’s happening because my head is buried in the Football Outsider’s Almanac (and a hearty FU to the Jainchill boys for introducing THAT into my life).  For better or for worse, this makes up a huge portion of my summer – whether it’s filling some other gaping hole in my life or whether I’m just a negligent parent and husband by nature, I don’t know and don’t want to comment – but to put all that work in, and then lose week 1 to a guy who, the day before the draft, says to me, “Hey, when’s the draft?  Monday?  Shit!  I gotta get a magazine or something!”

To sum up:  Yay, Fantasy Football is here!  And, shit, Fantasy Football is here…….

Now, to the awards.  We have some changes to the awards this year, which I’ll sum up here since I’m not sure any of you visit that little part of our site.

The Matt Memorial Asshole award has been changed to the Jeremy Memorial Asshole Award, because Jeremy has proven to be a MUCH bigger asshole than Matt, and Matt has pussed out and not come to the draft one too many times for my taste.

The ‘Weekly Brilliance” and “Weekly F-UP” awards have been re-named after two of our more prominent members – well, one who is prominent, and the other who I often forget plays in the league.  Regardless, check them out, and no, I could not find a picture of OUR Dan to use, so I just used some other Dan I found on-line.  I for one think it’s an improvement.

The Scores:

• Magic Hat No. 9 plunged The Christopher Walken Cowbells into existential crisis, 147-94
• BM defeated The Collapse, Part 2, 136-130
• Better Lucky Than Good wiped out BRICK’S TRIDENTS, 156-108
• Dicks in a Box beat Googley Eyes, 112-87
• Rookie Barrage beat Dorothy Mantooth Saints, 134-90
• Z’s Threesome beat Maroney’s Construda, 133-100

Weekly High Score goes to Steve’s Better Lucky Than Good, with 156 points; we are all, no doubt, thrilled about Steve’s continued success.

Weekly Low Score goes to Rex’s Googley Eyes, with an anemic 87 points.  Almost bad enough to make me regret not allowing him any keepers….but not quite.

The Inagural Dan ‘You Showed Up!’ Award:

Note: It is not lost on me that the next two awards are based solely on move that I approve of and dissaprove of.  In the interest of full disclosure, I am an FFL failure who has never even made the playoffs in this league.  However, I do have a big mouth.

• Me, for picking up Mike Bell as a Free Agent prior to week 1 and starting him to the tune of 17 points.  Take Romo out of the picture and this guy is my MVP.  I feel sick.
• Ryan, for starting John Carlson to the tune of 27 points.  OK, so he didn’t have another tight end to even start, and I don’t think this guy even comes close to this point total again – but still.
• David, for starting the rookie Percy Harvin for 14 points.  I would not have made this move, which says nothing.
• Josh, for starting Julius Jones over Darren McFadden for 25 points.

Let’s give this one to Josh – I hate Julius Jones, and while I’m convinced that while having a foot massage from a midget at 2:35 on Sunday, Josh all of a sudden convulsed and remembered he forgot to start McFadden instead, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

The Inagural Ryan ‘I Hate your FACE!’ Award:

• Me, for making the Pierre Thomas trade prior to Week 1; the guy is hurt, has been for 4 weeks, and is now in a likely time share with Mike Bell of all people.
• Tim, for drafting LaDanian Tomlison 3rd overall, and he’s clearly washed up (and now injured).  Sproles was so much more effective, it wasn’t even funny (until you remembered Tim’s bewildered face).
• Dan, for sitting Tim Hightower as he went off for 30 points.  I just needed a third guy to list here.

This one goes to Tim – at least Pierre Thomas was a hot commodity in the preseason.

Weekly Screwing:

• Me, screwed by Steven Jackson AND Steve Smith.  Smith is what really counts here – I’m hating the SJAX pick more with every move of my body.  When I get up to take a dump, it causes me to hate Steven Jackson.  That’s where I’m at with him.
• Jeremy, screwed by Willie Parker for 2 points – and likely more all season, as he just looked bad.
• Rex, screwed by Chris Chambers for a goose egg.  I wonder if anyone thought Rex’s completely lack of wide receiver depth could become a problem down the line…..
• Tim, screwed by Steve Slaton for 5 points (Note: While typing this line, I accidentally typed ‘Rim Tim’ instead of ‘Tim’.  Does anyone else find that funny?  That may stick.)
• Josh, screwed by Michael Turner for 6 points.  This doesn’t hold much weight for me – look at his stats last year, this happened more often that you would think for a guy who ran for as many yards as he did.  He had alot of 60-yard games.

This one goes to me – my 2 first round picks combined for 11 points.  Catastrophe!

The Jeremy Memorial League Asshole Award

(Note: I am aware that the term ‘Memorial’ is typically applied to people who are dead.  Since I sit next to Jeremy, I think the level of higher brain functions have him juuuust above ‘dead’, but not so much that I can’t futz this.)

This goes to everyone in the league except Ryan, who was the only one to comment publicly on the 5000+ word draft review I wrote prior to Week 1.  Just 2 years ago, Tim was offering me hand-release if I’d just give him the Brilliance Award – so what the fuck happened?  If I’m going to spend all that time on a draft review, then I reserve the right to totally fem out and act like a spurned chick who got mercy-humped and isn’t ever gonna get called again.

That last line makes me uncomfortable.  We’re going to forget I ever wrote it and move on.

Predictions!

You know I like to keep things fresh – remember last year, when I didn’t even WRITE a blog from week 9 until week 12?  FRESH, baby!  So what I’d like to do here is try to predict how things are going to go next week:

Maroney’s Construda vs. Christopher Walken Cowbells: Barring a total implosion, Josh wins this in running away.  Turner will put up 40 just to make me look even more like an idiot.  My kicker will whiff on all 5 field goal attempts.  Greg Olsen will be targeted 5 times, while Desmond Clark, who can’t run a route, will get 43 targets.   Steven Jackson will vomit blood all over the field.  Steve Smith will punch Delhomme after his 3rd interception of the day.  Total disaster.  Massive fuck-up.  The calamity!  Maroney’s Construda wins.

BM vs. BRICK’S TRIDENTS: Kurt Warner becomes the first wheelchair-bound QB to throw a touchdown.  Kevin Smith continues to prove why Carl should’ve kept him.  The Jainchill’s “All Shit” backfield of Derrick Mason, Cedric Benson, Reggie Bush and Brandon Marshall continue to cause speculation that Seth’s batteries were low during the draft.  That being said, Brady to Moss is enough to win.  BM beats Brick’s Tridents.

Better Lucky Than Good vs. Googley Eyes: Last week’s high score vs. last week’s low score – I wonder how this will turn out.  Rex attempts frantically to draft another wide reciever 3 weeks after the draft is done.  Steve wins by 100 points, which only contributes to the fantasy that he knows what he’s doing when he’s really the luckiest mother fucker to ever walk the planet.  BLTG wins.

The Collapse, Part 2 vs. Dicks in a Box: Willie Parker continues to decay.  Matt Schaub cuts his toenails too short at halftime and can’t finish the game.  Matt eats an entire pig, raw.  Jeremy quests for fire.  Dicks in a Box wins.

Rookie Barrage vs. Magic Hat No. 9: Drew Brees throws for 900 yards and 12 touchdowns, and then ascends into heaven to sit at the right hand of God.  Fred Jackson continues to make Carl look smart when as Christ is my witness I just know it isn’t true.  Brian Westbrook is broken in half after his 45th handoff from Kevin Kolb.  Magic Hat No. 9 wins. Oh my fuck.

Dorothy Mantooth Saints vs. Z’s Threesome: Carl’s going to be 2-0.  I can’t even concentrate.  Dorothy Mantooth Saints win.  I’m a big tub of sadness.

That’s all for now, folks.  Here’s to you for reading, here’s to me for actually getting this out on time!  Good luck in Week 2!

The Commish

Week 2 Review

One of the wonderful things about Fantasy Football is better days are always one week away.

Don’t get me wrong.  It isn’t as if the sting is out of my asshole from my loss to Carl in Week One.  That type of wound never really heals; think Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson.  In no way, shape or form should that have ever occurred on this Earth.   In 100 fights, Tyson probably wins 99 times.  And yet, the stars aligned in some bizarre way, karma probably came back to bite me, and Carl managed to not poop his adult diapers for one Sunday, and there you go.  Now, Tyson was never the same.  Do I think that I’ll end up in rehab, with a tatoo on my face?  Yes – yes I do, but that has nothing to do with this.

The point is, I won in Week 2.  Don’t feel bad, whomever I beat; I’ve already moved on, and you should to.

What’s exciting is that I do believe I’ve confirmed my superpower; it’s lame, but it does meet the definition of an ability that is beyond human comprehension.  I hinted at it briefly in the draft review, but I’m pretty sure I can totally fuck up reality; to borrow from Bill Simmons (and don’t think it doesn’t happen at least 12 times in one blog): I am Inverse-Reverse Jinx Man.  Or, Captain Inverse-Reverse Jinx.  Whatever you like.

The Reverse Jinx is when you talk negatively about your own team in the hopes that you will cosmically affect them in a positive way.  I can only imagine the inverse of this is when you talk negatively about someone else’s team, profusely, and it affects them in a positive way – not necessarily because I want it to.

That can be the only explanation for Rex’s 197 point explosion.

If you had asked me if Rex would put up 197 points with that team over the course of four weeks, I’d have said no.  Vincent Jackson is a nice surprise for where he got him, but he’s starting Old Man Isaac Bruce as his second wide receiver – not his flex, his second wide receiver.  So I’m taking total credit for Rex’s win this week, and I’d also like to say that his team is really, really incredible, he had a great draft, and he doesn’t always sort of look like he could come unhinged at any moment and bludgeon you to death with a stapler.

I mean it.

And the results from this week:

• The Christopher Walken Cowbells saved their season and beat Maroney’s Construda, 121-116.
• Googley Eyes destroyed Better Lucky Than Good, 197-129.
• Magic Hat No. 9 defied ineptitude and beat Rookie Barrage, 147-138
• BM beat BRICK’S TRIDENTS, 101-94
• The Sh*tbirds edged Dicks in a Box, 114-109
• The Dorothy Mantooth Saints beat Z’s Threesome, 122-116

A lot of close games this week, no?  Might that reflect some new-found league parity?  Or maybe a bunch of chumps just got lucky?  I’m gonna say the latter.

Weekly High Score goes to the afore-mentioned Rex, with 197 ludicrous points.

Weekly Low Score goes to Dan Tompkin’s BRICK’S TRIDENTS with 94 points.  At 0-2, I’m going to mandate that your team name be in all lower-case.

The Dan Tompkin’s Memorial “You Showed Up!” Award:

• Z’s Threesome, for continuing to start Percy Harvin for 16 points.  Looking at his team, I’m not convinced he has any choice in the matter, but I’m low on options this week.

OK, look.  This wasn’t a banner week for you boys.  There was some seriously misguided shit that went down, so much so that I don’t even have another nomination for this award.   So congratulations, I have to give it to David, by Goddamned DEFAULT.

You guys have hurt me.  Bad.

The Ryan Memorial “I Hate your FACE!” Award:

Now this is more like it.

• Ryan, for having 2 defenses on his team (New York Giants and Washington Redskins).  If that isn’t bad enough, he started the wrong one.
• Ryan, for starting Joey Galloway (11 points) instead of Desean Jackson (26 points).
• Carl, for keeping Lance Moore and starting Lance Moore (0 points).
• The Jainchill Boys, for pulling a ‘Ryan’ and having 2 defenses (and starting the wrong one).

Being nominated twice has to mean something, right?  And giving the award to his namesake just feels right.  Congrats,Ryan.

Weekly Screwing (by the way, I’m taking suggestions for names for this award.  Let’s get creative, shall we?)

• Steve, screwed by Greg Jennings for 0 points.
• Jeremy, screwed by Roy E. Williams for 2 points.
• David, screwed by Kevin Faulk for 1 point – although, boy, this came really close to ending up in the previous section……

I’m not going to lie.  There’s a perverse part of me that is happy that Steve isn’t doing well.  I can’t explain it, but I feel like if I give in, it’ll make me a worse person than I already am.  So I’m giving this to you, Steve.  God help me.

Trade Review

Each week, if there are trades, I’ll give you my opinion on what went down.  In all likelihood, this will just turn into a section devoted entirely to Jeremy and myself.

This week, Jeremy gave up Larry Fitzgerald, Willie Parker, and Ben Roethlisberger.  I gave up in return Tony Romo, Jericho Cotchery, and Knowshon Moreno.

Romo could end up running a dog-fighting ring, but instead of dogs, it’d be toddlers – a toddler fighting ring, with babies bread to kill.  This could happen, and Jeremy would still profess that he got the better end of this deal.  The man is sick – I heard a conversation this last week in which he asked Tim if he wanted a particular player, and then 10 minutes later turned to me and said, “I don’t want to give that guy up, I don’t think”.   I don’t think he can tolerate FFL week to week unless he’s adding new players.  If this were a weekly re-draft, I think he’d be covered in semen all the time – just constant ejaculation.  It’d be awkward, for sure.

Regardless, I made out here.  Fitz is still a good bet to go off any given week, and with him I can start Steve Smith and Dwayne Bowe.  That being said, I hate my team and fully expect to go 1-12 this season.

And speaking of trades, a little bit from the Tao of Carl to tide you over, since I can’t do predictions for Week 3 (since, uh, Week 3 is over by the time this is posted.  My bad.)

Sitting alone in his cube, Carl is prone to just saying things out loud that I’m not sure he means to say out loud; I imagine this happens with age and I’m sure I will experience it myself in 30 years.  But as I’m working, he simply blurts out, “I need a wide receiver.  A good one”.

Jeremy, of course, splooges all over himself at the thought of a trade and can’t bring up the two teams fast enough.  “Drew Brees?”, Jeremy inquires?

“No – he’s off the table. No way.”

Jeremy proceeds to go through every starter he has, and every one Carl shoots down.  I begin to wonder if he even understands the concept of the trade, in which you have to give something up to actually get something.

Carl cleared it up for me later when I asked him about it, and clarified his statement. “Yea, I need a wide receiver, but it doesn’t have to be a good one”.

Thanks for clearing that up.  Until Week 3!

The Commish

Week 3/4 Review

The BLOG is BACK! Let’s get right to it.

Some Random Thoughts:

• Wendy’s is advertising some new chicken wrap nonsense by including the fact that it’s loaded with ‘natural cheeses’.  Last I checked, cheese does not occur in nature.  There is no such thing as natural cheese – by its very definition, cheese is unnatural.  When’s the last time you fell into a Cheddar bush or stepped in a wad of Monterey Jack in the middle of a field?  Shame on you, Wendy’s. 
• I was thinking (as I often do, to the surprise of no one) about Star Wars, and the fact that everyone was shocked when Padme Amidala gave birth to not one baby, but twins.  Shocked?  Really?  So they have lightsabers, faster than light travel, and laser guns, but no ultrasound?  I have serious concerns about pre-natal care in the Star Wars Universe, people.  Serious concerns.

The View From My Cube:

Carl will often make service calls for his McMansion and pretend we don’t know about it or can’t hear it because he lowers his voice and faces the far wall of his cube, hunching over like he’s got an impacted bowel.  It’s good fun.

A recent conversation went something like this – here are some lines:

Carl: “Well, I’m telling you, there is no light there.  It’s just not give any light.”

Carl: “No, it has to be the bulb.  There isn’t any light being given off.”

Carl: “I’m pretty sure it’s the bulb.”

This led me to wonder whether Carl was actually calling tech support to help him change a lightbulb, or what the hell was really going on, but I pictured some really interesting future exchanges Carl can have as he wanders his way through life.

Carl: “Yes, I’m outside.  There is water coming from the sky.”

Carl: “Yes, it’s cloudy.  It is cloudy, they are grey clouds.  Grey”.

Carl: “The water appears to be in droplet form, and it’s looks like…yes, it’s coming from those clouds.  An umbrella, you say?”

Or:

Carl: “OK, so I’m above the water now.  I am in a body of water.”

Carl: “Well, I started in an airplane, but not sure what happened to get me here.”

Carl: “Yes, there appears to be marine wildlife.  What again?  Sharks?”

Carl: “I’m not sure the plane could’ve crashed, Miss – well, there was a lightning storm, but still…….hello?  I need to speak to your supervisor.”

In other Views From My Cube, I have had a cough all the week as my family and I get over Viral Plague from the week prior.  I had to sit next to Rex at one point to look at what was happening with his computer (porn), and he immediately pulled out some hand sanitizer that looked like it was purchased before the Berlin Wall fell.  It was actually yellow, but didn’t include any of those nifty blue beads in it that typically signify some moisturizer or whatever; plus, I know Rex, and there isn’t a chance in hell he’d ever purchase anything but low-grade, take-your-chances, generic hand sanitizer.  The long and short of it is, I think this sanitizer actually defected and joined the other side of the fight.  Be careful around Rex, I think this stuff is harboring resistant bacteria or some other shit.  I’ve got a nipple growing on my hand and I’m not sure what the fuck is going on.

The Awards:

OK, so clearly, the winner of Weekly Screwing for Weeks 5-8 are all of you, for missing out on bloggy excellence.  As such, I am the Asshole of the Week for those weeks, for depriving you of said bloggy excellence.

Weekly High Score for:

• Week 8: Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 155.
• Week 7: Jeremy’s Sh*tBirds, with 165.
• Week 6: The Jainchill Boy’s B.M., with 199 (!!)
• Week 5: Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 158.

Weekly Low Score for:

• Week 8: The Jainchill Boy’s B.M., with 80.
• Week 7: Ryan’s Rookie Garbage Barrage, with 66.
• Week 6: Ryan’s Rookie Corsage Barrage, with 103.
• Week 5: David’s Z’s Threesome, with 66.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 8:

• Tim, for sticking with his 3^rd overall pick, LaDanian Tomlison, who finally put in that dominating, win-your-week-for-you performance we’ve all been expecti……what’s that?  He only scored 17 points?  And it was still by far his best performance of the year?  Oh Timmy.  Poor, sad Timmy………
• David, for starting Percy Harvin over any number of other options for 19 points.  Harvin has been a pleasant surprise.
• Josh, for trusting in Michael Crabtree for 12 points – he’s apparently already their number one option in San Fran.

Once again, a weak crop of options.  The joke on Tim is probably the most potent thing in this list, and even then I’m probably giving myself too much credit.  With the bye weeks in full-tilt it’s tough to come up with any really good moves, as lineups almost set themselves.  So let’s give it to Josh.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 8:

• Rex, for getting cutesy and starting Sidney Rice (8 points) instead of Marion Barber (12 points).
• Ryan, for starting Mario Manningham (who didn’t play) instead of Bernard Berrian, or Jonathan Stewart, or really anyone else who would’ve put up just a single point.
• Steve, for sitting Andre Johnson in favor of Lee Evans.  I know he had a bruised lung, but he played – and if he plays, he never sits.  Shame on you.

As always, you boys make more dumb moves than good ones.  By default, this goes to Ryan, as anytime you start someone who doesn’t play you need to be thusly honored.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 7:

• Z’s Threesome, for starting Ricky Williams for 29 points.  I’m reasonably sure that David wasn’t aware of what he was doing, and was just covering for bye weeks, but it’s slim pickin’s this week, for sure.
• Rookie Barrage, for starting Austin Collie for 13 points.  Wait – he left DeSean Jackson on the bench for 26.  Forget I mentioned this – just wait for the next section.
• Maroney’s Construda, for picking up Michael Crabtree and having the guts to start him for 10 points.

Let’s give this one to Josh, since he’s really the only option.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 7:

• Tim, for starting Eli Manning (12 points) over Philip Rivers (it doesn’t matter how many points).  I thought I was depressed last year when Tim won the league – I had no idea the depths of the depression I’d feel as I watched him lollygag through this season, feebly attempting to manage his team not in a manner unlike a slug trying to operate a stump grinder.  It’s really fucking depressing.
• Ryan, for sitting his beloved DEEshaun Jackson (as he affectionately calls him) and watched him put up 26 points.  For Austin Collie?   Really?

Tim takes this one – not even close.  That’s not to take away from Ryan’s ineptitude, however.  Don’t get me wrong.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 6:

• Tim, for starting Mohamed Massaquoi for 13 points.  Eh?  Tory Holt had 20 on his bench?  And Devin Hester had 15?  And only a rube would put any level of trust in the Cleveland Brown’s passing game?
• Ryan, for not starting Mark “The Sanchise” Sanchez for -5 points.  And the way he was talking about him earlier, believe me, this was a possibility.  Oral Pleasure is on the table if Ryan runs into Sanchez in person after Week 2.  I’m certain of it.  At the very least, inappropriate touchies.

I guess this has to go to Ryan by default, right?  At the very least for avoiding the cock of the Sanchise, even if it was only accidental.  Only here could we leap from FFL to a gay tryst between Ryan and the New York Jet’s quarterback.  I’m not sure that’s a selling point or not.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 6:

• Tim, for starting Eli Manning over Philip Rivers.  Don’t ever do this.  Ever.
• Rex, for starting Michael Jenkins (3 points) over Sidney Rice (28 points).

I’m sure there were some other bad moves, but really, do you guys even remember as far back as week 6?  We’ll give it to Tim.  Now, get into the WAY-Way-back machine….

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 5:

• ME, for picking up Miles Austin on Saturday Night and starting him for 57 Mother-Effin’ points.  Words don’t do it justice.  It’s the Move of the Year, without a doubt.  Nothing that has happened since then has dulled the brilliant shine of this move.
• Steve, for picking up and starting Glen Coffee for 16 points.
• Who cares.  I win.

Seriously.  Stop what you are doing for a moment and appreciate the majesty of me.  For a minute.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 5:

• David, for picking up and starting Derek Anderson for a -1 point.  And starting Jerome Harrison for 2 points and having Marshawn Lynch on the bench.  Jesus Christ, man.

• Dan, for not even bothering to start a kicker.  I know he’d like to just draft a team and let it ride, but this is taking it a bit further than I expected.
• The Jainchills, for starting Derrick Mason (0 points) over Brandon Marshall (26 points).  Really?  This was at one point thought to be a good move?  Oh – and also for dropping Miles Austin to waivers in the first place.

I know I usually give this one out to anyone who doesn’t start a player automatically, but the double-whammy of the Jainchills really does deserve it – so congrats, boys.

So where are we with the league?  I’m in the unfamiliar spot of sitting on top of it at 6-2, but the big news, I think, is the disparity in the divisions.

My division has arguably the 2 worst teams in the history of the league – Ryan’s Rookie Garbage, and Tim’s Dorothy Mantooth Saints.  Tim is making last year look more like a fluke with every passing Sunday, and we’re also going to need to re-evaluate Ryan’s skill set, as he used up all his Kharma Juice to get 6 wins out of an abysmal team last year and has none left to prop this year’s version up.

The point is, the other 4 teams in my division are 5-3 or 4-4 (sadly, I have not grabbed a hold of this thing just yet).  Making the (entirely reasonable) assumption that Ryan and Dan may not win another game between them, that’s potentially 2 additional wins out of 5 games left.

Meanwhile, in the ‘other’ division, the worst team is 3-5 (Dan), and there’s a 3 way tie at the top of the division.  It seems unfair, but I’m predicting here that someone is going to be very pissed off that we changed rules way back in Season 2 so that, after the division winners, the next 4 teams get in regardless of division; I’m thinking someone in the Hooters division is going to get left out.

Trade Reviews

As you might imagine, there’s been a lot of trade activity in 4 weeks.  Maybe a review is in order?

Googley Eyes trades Chris Johnson to Christopher Walken Cowbells for Steve Smith (CAR) and Ronnie Brown.

What else can be said?  When you have a shot to land a top-tier guy, you have to take it.  Smith had been a disappointment all season up until that point, and with Pierre Thomas and Steve Jackson as my other backs, I could afford to give up Ronnie Brown, as much as it pained me.  Steve Smith continues to stink, and while Chris Johnson is boom or bust, his booms can win the week for you (and has for me at least once).  With Vince Young under center, I think Tennessee focuses entirely on the run and Johnson has a great second half.

Z’s Threesome trades Wes Welker to The Sh*tBirds for Knowshon Moreno.

I didn’t know what to make of this at the time – seemed like an orange for an orange, two mid-level players at different positions.  But then again, the Pats had not exploded yet, and this now makes Jeremy look like a frigging genius.  That being said, Knowshon isn’t all that bad and is a keeper for a 5^th round pick next year.

Dorothy Mantooth Saints sends Larry Johnson and Devin Hester to The Sh*tBirds for Johnny Knox andFelix Jones.

I have to think this trade was made for bye week reasons.  Larry Johnson is awful, Felix Jones can’t stay healthy, and who knows which Chicago WR will go off on any given week?  The real story here is that Jeremy finally got Tim to trade again, and that’s something we can all be happy about.

Rookie Barrage sends Frank Gore to The Sh*tBirds for Terrell Owens, Laurence Maroney, and the Sh*tBird’s 2010 2^nd round pick.

You guys may have heard about this lil’ trade?

I’m reasonably sure I typed, between IM and emails, more than 10,000 words on this trade during the past week.  I’ve got carpel frigging tunnel.  I had serious questions as to whether doing this league was even worth it for my sanity.

Listen to me whine, I demand it!

So there are two schools of thought on the issue.  The first says that it’s an awful idea, it completely unbalances the league and creates an environment where you’ll have to give up a pick next year to win the league.  To a certain extent I see the point – but consider that largely the reason Tim won the league last year is because he traded Forte, on keeper value, for Peyton Manning and Clinton Portis.  So, what’s the difference, really?  He lost out on Forte for this year (although a time-traveling LaDanian Tomlison from 2006 probably couldn’t help Tim’s wretched, feeble team) and cashed in last year.  The restrictions on the trading should be enough to ensure that you don’t have to do it to win.

The other school of thought is that it’s better than Liquid Jesus.  I wouldn’t go that far, but at the same time I do see the benefits.  Someone gets another 2^nd round pick for next year, they can combine that with a keeper to get another first rounder, etc…..the point is, FFL, at it’s base, is very dependent on luck, more so than any other fantasy sport.  These rules, these complexities, remove a lot of that luck (but not all of it) by changing it from a seasonal game to one where you can think ahead to next season and can make moves that will help you win.  I, for one, like that.

The fact of the matter is, this is a complex league.  It’s going to be very, very hard to just draft a team and let it ride and win this thing.  Draft pick, keeper, and future pick trading is going to be a big part of the equation going forward.  Some of us are way into that – I include myself in their number.  Some folks just want to draft and set lineups – nothing wrong with that, but this league has gotten to the point where I just can’t see someone winning with that strategy.  Them be the facts, for better or worse.

As always, thank you for your participation and for your interest in the league; I always appreciate it, even when I’m bitching and moaning about it.

Good luck during the stretch run!

All-Play 2009: Thru Week 5

Updated All-Play through Week 5 of the 2009 Season:

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	Actual Record
Better Lucky than Good	46	8	1	3-2
Magic Hat No. 9	36	18	1	3-2
Christopher Walken Cowbells	31	24	0	4-1
Z’s Threesome	30	24	1	3-2
Maroney’s Contruda	29	25	1	3-2
Dicks in a Box	28	27	0	3-2
BM	24	31	0	3-2
Googley Eyes	23	31	1	3-2
Brick’s Tridents	23	32	0	1-4
The Sh*tBirds	23	32	0	2-3
Rookie Barrage	22	33	0	1-4
Dorothy Mantooth Saints	12	42	1	1-4

All-Play through Week 6

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	Actual Record
Better Lucky than Good	48	17	1	3-3
Magic Hat No. 9	43	22	1	4-2
Christopher Walken Cowbells	40	26	0	5-1
Z’s Threesome	38	27	1	4-2
BM	35	31	0	4-2
The Sh*tBirds	33	33	0	3-3
Maroney’s Contruda	32	33	1	3-3
Dicks in a Box	32	34	0	3-3
Googley Eyes	29	36	1	3-3
Brick’s Tridents	28	38	0	2-4
Rookie Barrage	22	44	0	1-5
Dorothy Mantooth Saints	13	52	1	1-5

Tim Jordan continues his march from first to worst.  In an age where the word ‘historically’ is just tossed around, let me jump on the bandwagon: this is a historically bad team.

All Play through Week 8

As usual, the results pretty much fall in line with the actual league results.  The only outlier currently appears to be Jeremy, who’s All Play should indicate a better usual record.  I attribute this to karmic reaction from some previous, awful wrong he committed.   I’m OK with that.

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	Actual Record
Better Lucky than Good	64	23	1	5-3
Magic Hat No. 9	58	29	1	5-3
Christopher Walken Cowbells	56	32	0	6-2
Z’s Threesome	54	33	1	5-3
The Sh*tBirds	51	37	0	4-4
Googley Eyes	43	44	1	5-3
BM	43	45	0	5-3
Dicks in a Box	42	46	0	4-4
Maroney’s Contruda	40	47	1	4-4
Brick’s Tridents	35	53	0	3-5
Rookie Barrage	24	64	0	1-7
Dorothy Mantooth Saints	15	72	1	1-7