REVENGE OF BLOG: Weeks 5 through 8

The BLOG is BACK!  Let’s get right to it. 

Some Random Thoughts:

• Wendy’s is advertising some new chicken wrap nonsense by including the fact that it’s loaded with ‘natural cheeses’.  Last I checked, cheese does not occur in nature.  There is no such thing as natural cheese – by its very definition, cheese is unnatural.  When’s the last time you fell into a Cheddar bush or stepped in a wad of Monterey Jack in the middle of a field?  Shame on you, Wendy’s.  
• I was thinking (as I often do, to the surprise of no one) about Star Wars, and the fact that everyone was shocked when Padme Amidala gave birth to not one baby, but twins.  Shocked?  Really?  So they have lightsabers, faster than light travel, and laser guns, but no ultrasound?  I have serious concerns about pre-natal care in the Star Wars Universe, people.  Serious concerns. 

The View From My Cube:

Carl will often make service calls for his McMansion and pretend we don’t know about it or can’t hear it because he lowers his voice and faces the far wall of his cube, hunching over like he’s got an impacted bowel.  It’s good fun.

A recent conversation went something like this – here are some lines:

            Carl: “Well, I’m telling you, there is no light there.  It’s just not give any light.”

            Carl: “No, it has to be the bulb.  There isn’t any light being given off.”

            Carl: “I’m pretty sure it’s the bulb.”

This led me to wonder whether Carl was actually calling tech support to help him change a lightbulb, or what the hell was really going on, but I pictured some really interesting future exchanges Carl can have as he wanders his way through life. 

            Carl: “Yes, I’m outside.  There is water coming from the sky.”

            Carl: “Yes, it’s cloudy.  It is cloudy, they are grey clouds.  Grey”. 

            Carl: “The water appears to be in droplet form, and it’s looks like…yes, it’s coming from those clouds.  An umbrella, you say?”

Or:

            Carl: “OK, so I’m above the water now.  I am in a body of water.”

            Carl: “Well, I started in an airplane, but not sure what happened to get me here.”

            Carl: “Yes, there appears to be marine wildlife.  What again?  Sharks?”

            Carl: “I’m not sure the plane could’ve crashed, Miss – well, there was a lightning storm, but still…….hello?  I need to speak to your supervisor.”

In other Views From My Cube, I have had a cough all the week as my family and I get over Viral Plague from the week prior.  I had to sit next to Rex at one point to look at what was happening with his computer (porn), and he immediately pulled out some hand sanitizer that looked like it was purchased before the Berlin Wall fell.  It was actually yellow, but didn’t include any of those nifty blue beads in it that typically signify some moisturizer or whatever; plus, I know Rex, and there isn’t a chance in hell he’d ever purchase anything but low-grade, take-your-chances, generic hand sanitizer.  The long and short of it is, I think this sanitizer actually defected and joined the other side of the fight.  Be careful around Lyver, I think this stuff is harboring resistant bacteria or some other shit.  I’ve got a nipple growing on my hand and I’m not sure what the fuck is going on. 

The Awards:

OK, so clearly, the winner of Weekly Screwing for Weeks 5-8 are all of you, for missing out on bloggy excellence.  As such, I am the Asshole of the Week for those weeks, for depriving you of said bloggy excellence.

Weekly High Score for:

• Week 8: Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 155.
• Week 7: Jeremy Albert’s Sh*tBirds, with 165.
• Week 6: The Jainchill Boy’s B.M., with 199 (!!)
• Week 5: Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 158. 

Weekly Low Score for:

• Week 8: The Jainchill Boy’s B.M., with 80.
• Week 7: Ryan Marsee’s Rookie Garbage Barrage, with 66.
• Week 6: Ryan Marsee’s Rookie Corsage Barrage, with 103. 
• Week 5: David Isgur’s Z’s Threesome, with 66. 

The Dan Tompkins “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 8:

• Tim Jordan, for sticking with his 3^rd overall pick, LaDanian Tomlison, who finally put in that dominating, win-your-week-for-you performance we’ve all been expecti……what’s that?  He only scored 17 points?  And it was still by far his best performance of the year?  Oh Timmy.  Poor, sad Timmy………
• David Isgur, for starting Percy Harvin over any number of other options for 19 points.  Harvin has been a pleasant surprise.
• Josh Santia, for trusting in Michael Crabtree for 12 points – he’s apparently already their number one option in San Fran.

Once again, a weak crop of options.  The joke on Tim Jordan is probably the most potent thing in this list, and even then I’m probably giving myself too much credit.  With the bye weeks in full-tilt it’s tough to come up with any really good moves, as lineups almost set themselves.  So let’s give it to Santia. 

The Ryan Marsee “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 8:

• Rex Lyver, for getting cutesy and starting Sidney Rice (8 points) instead of Marion Barber (12 points). 
• Ryan Marsee, for starting Mario Manningham (who didn’t play) instead of Bernard Berrian, or Jonathan Stewart, or really anyone else who would’ve put up just a single point. 
• Steve Kay, for sitting Andre Johnson in favor of Lee Evans.  I know he had a bruised lung, but he played – and if he plays, he never sits.  Shame on you.

As always, you boys make more dumb moves than good ones.  By default, this goes to Marsee, as anytime you start someone who doesn’t play you need to be thusly honored.

The Dan Tompkins “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 7:

• Z’s Threesome, for starting Ricky Williams for 29 points.  I’m reasonably sure that David wasn’t aware of what he was doing, and was just covering for bye weeks, but it’s slim pickin’s this week, for sure.
• Rookie Barrage, for starting Austin Collie for 13 points.  Wait – he left DeSean Jackson on the bench for 26.  Forget I mentioned this – just wait for the next section.
• Maroney’s Construda, for picking up Michael Crabtree and having the guts to start him for 10 points.

Let’s give this one to Josh Santia, since he’s really the only option.

The Ryan Marsee “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 7:

• Tim Jordan, for starting Eli Manning (12 points) over Philip Rivers (it doesn’t matter how many points).  I thought I was depressed last year when Tim won the league – I had no idea the depths of the depression I’d feel as I watched him lollygag through this season, feebly attempting to manage his team not in a manner unlike a slug trying to operate a stump grinder.  It’s really fucking depressing.
• Ryan Marsee, for sitting his beloved DEEshaun Jackson (as he affectionately calls him) and watched him put up 26 points.  For Austin Collie?   Really? 

Jordan takes this one – not even close.  That’s not to take away from Marsee’s ineptitude, however.  Don’t get me wrong.

The Dan Tompkins “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 6:

• Tim Jordan, for starting Mohamed Massaquoi for 13 points.  Eh?  Tory Holt had 20 on his bench?  And Devin Hester had 15?  And only a rube would put any level of trust in the Cleveland Brown’s passing game? 
• Ryan Marsee, for not starting Mark “The Sanchise” Sanchez for -5 points.  And the way he was talking about him earlier, believe me, this was a possibility.  Oral Pleasure is on the table if Marsee runs into Sanchez in person after Week 2.  I’m certain of it.  At the very least, inappropriate touchies.

I guess this has to go to Marsee by default, right?  At the very least for avoiding the cock of the Sanchise, even if it was only accidental.  Only here could we leap from FFL to a gay tryst between Marsee and the New York Jet’s quarterback.  I’m not sure that’s a selling point or not.

The Ryan Marsee “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 6:

• Tim Jordan, for starting Eli Manning over Philip Rivers.  Don’t ever do this.  Ever.
• Rex Lyver, for starting Michael Jenkins (3 points) over Sidney Rice (28 points). 

I’m sure there were some other bad moves, but really, do you guys even remember as far back as week 6?  We’ll give it to Jordan.  Now, get into the WAY-Way-back machine….

The Dan Tompkins “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 5:

• ME, for picking up Miles Austin on Saturday Night and starting him for 57 Mother-Effin’ points.  Words don’t do it justice.  It’s the Move of the Year, without a doubt.  Nothing that has happened since then has dulled the brilliant shine of this move.
• Steve Kay, for picking up and starting Glen Coffee for 16 points.
• Who cares.  I win.

Seriously.  Stop what you are doing for a moment and appreciate the majesty of me.  For a minute.

The Ryan Marsee “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 5:

• David Isgur, for picking up and starting Derek Anderson for a -1 point.  And starting Jerome Harrison for 2 points and having Marshawn Lynch on the bench.  Jesus Christ, man. 

• Dan Tompkins, for not even bothering to start a kicker.  I know he’d like to just draft a team and let it ride, but this is taking it a bit further than I expected.
• The Jainchills, for starting Derrick Mason (0 points) over Brandon Marshall (26 points).  Really?  This was at one point thought to be a good move?  Oh – and also for dropping Miles Austin to waivers in the first place.

I know I usually give this one out to anyone who doesn’t start a player automatically, but the double-whammy of the Jainchills really does deserve it – so congrats, boys.

 

So where are we with the league?  I’m in the unfamiliar spot of sitting on top of it at 6-2, but the big news, I think, is the disparity in the divisions.

My division has arguably the 2 worst teams in the history of the league – Ryan Marsee’s Rookie Garbage, and Tim Jordan’s Dorothy Mantooth Saints.  Tim is making last year look more like a fluke with every passing Sunday, and we’re also going to need to re-evaluate Marsee’s skill set, as he used up all his Kharma Juice to get 6 wins out of an abysmal team last year and has none left to prop this year’s version up. 

The point is, the other 4 teams in my division are 5-3 or 4-4 (sadly, I have not grabbed a hold of this thing just yet).  Making the (entirely reasonable) assumption that Marsee and Tompkins may not win another game between them, that’s potentially 2 additional wins out of 5 games left. 

Meanwhile, in the ‘other’ division, the worst team is 3-5 (Tompkins), and there’s a 3 way tie at the top of the division.  It seems unfair, but I’m predicting here that someone is going to be very pissed off that we changed rules way back in Season 2 so that, after the division winners, the next 4 teams get in regardless of division; I’m thinking someone in the Hooters division is going to get left out.

Trade Reviews

As you might imagine, there’s been a lot of trade activity in 4 weeks.  Maybe a review is in order?

Googley Eyes trades Chris Johnson to Christopher Walken Cowbells for Steve Smith (CAR) and Ronnie Brown.

What else can be said?  When you have a shot to land a top-tier guy, you have to take it.  Smith had been a disappointment all season up until that point, and with Pierre Thomas and Steve Jackson as my other backs, I could afford to give up Ronnie Brown, as much as it pained me.  Steve Smith continues to stink, and while Chris Johnson is boom or bust, his booms can win the week for you (and has for me at least once).  With Vince Young under center, I think Tennessee focuses entirely on the run and Johnson has a great second half. 

Z’s Threesome trades Wes Welker to The Sh*tBirds for Knowshon Moreno. 

I didn’t know what to make of this at the time – seemed like an orange for an orange, two mid-level players at different positions.  But then again, the Pats had not exploded yet, and this now makes Jeremy look like a frigging genius.  That being said, Knowshon isn’t all that bad and is a keeper for a 5^th round pick next year. 

Dorothy Mantooth Saints sends Larry Johnson and Devin Hester to The Sh*tBirds for Johnny Knox and Felix Jones. 

I have to think this trade was made for bye week reasons.  Larry Johnson is awful, Felix Jones can’t stay healthy, and who knows which Chicago WR will go off on any given week?  The real story here is that Jeremy finally got Tim to trade again, and that’s something we can all be happy about.

Rookie Barrage sends Frank Gore to The Sh*tBirds for Terrell Owens, Laurence Maroney, and the Sh*tBird’s 2010 2^nd round pick. 

You guys may have heard about this lil’ trade?

I’m reasonably sure I typed, between IM and emails, more than 10,000 words on this trade during the past week.  I’ve got carpel frigging tunnel.  I had serious questions as to whether doing this league was even worth it for my sanity. 

Listen to me whine, I demand it! 

So there are two schools of thought on the issue.  The first says that it’s an awful idea, it completely unbalances the league and creates an environment where you’ll have to give up a pick next year to win the league.  To a certain extent I see the point – but consider that largely the reason Tim won the league last year is because he traded Forte, on keeper value, for Peyton Manning and Clinton Portis.  So, what’s the difference, really?  He lost out on Forte for this year (although a time-traveling LaDanian Tomlison from 2006 probably couldn’t help Jordan’s wretched, feeble team) and cashed in last year.  The restrictions on the trading should be enough to ensure that you don’t have to do it to win. 

The other school of thought is that it’s better than Liquid Jesus.  I wouldn’t go that far, but at the same time I do see the benefits.  Someone gets another 2^nd round pick for next year, they can combine that with a keeper to get another first rounder, etc…..the point is, FFL, at it’s base, is very dependent on luck, more so than any other fantasy sport.  These rules, these complexities, remove a lot of that luck (but not all of it) by changing it from a seasonal game to one where you can think ahead to next season and can make moves that will help you win.  I, for one, like that. 

The fact of the matter is, this is a complex league.  It’s going to be very, very hard to just draft a team and let it ride and win this thing.  Draft pick, keeper, and future pick trading is going to be a big part of the equation going forward.  Some of us are way into that – I include myself in their number.  Some folks just want to draft and set lineups – nothing wrong with that, but this league has gotten to the point where I just can’t see someone winning with that strategy.  Them be the facts, for better or worse. 

As always, thank you for your participation and for your interest in the league; I always appreciate it, even when I’m bitching and moaning about it. 

Good luck during the stretch run!