Welcome to another craptastic year of Boom Goes the Dynamite Fantasy Football! We are entering our fifth year, and given all the crap I have to put up with you ought to enjoy this while you can because Week 1 hasn’t even started yet and I’ve already had it with just about everyone in the league.
It’s occurred to me at various points that we have non-league members reading our blog. In which case, I’d have to respond with a vague combination of “Thanks!” and “Seriously, just stay away from me.”
Either way, I think it’d be wise to lead off with a brief introduction to the various members of the league, and some facts I made up about them. Only first names will be used to guarantee employability later in life.
Better Lucky Than Good
Owner: Steve K.
Years in League: 5 (founding member)
Claim to Fame: Defending and only 2-time league champion in our league’s illustrious history. Completely clueless to exactly how blessed he is in every aspect of his life. Loves to talk on the phone; may be a chick.
Biggest Weakness: Engenders disdain as the main practitioner and inventor of the “Steve Trade”, in which he offers you <scrub he drafted in the 9th round who had a good week> and maybe some Twizzlers for <your first round player>, and then demands you call him to negotiate. Would be willing to spend 45 minutes haggling a hot-dog vendor for free onions if it’d save him a dime. Assigns a zero-sum dollar amount to his time.
Biggest Strength: There are at least 2 suckers every year who fall for the Steve Trade.
Sh*tBirds
Owner: Jeremy
Claim to Fame: Has a unique disability which compels him to trade every member of his team after having them for only a couple weeks. Has the patience (and fashion sense) of a 4 year old. Very loud. Sometimes cries out for no reason. Should be screened for Turrets. Once screamed the word “cunt” in a car with open windows for no reason and terrified a passing woman and her small child.
Biggest Weakness: Loud and obnoxious behavior sometimes causes people to label him with a disability, when in fact I’m pretty sure he’s just really, really stupid.
Biggest Strength: Lack of patience with his players gives him a 1/1000 chance that one of the 400 teams he’ll assemble during the course of the season may win a couple games.
Beertap Hooters
Owner: Ryan
Years in League: 5 (founding member)
Claim to Fame: Aggressive sexual predator. Often works with no pants. Liable to swat you with his itty penis as he walks by. Totally unstable. All, some, or none of this may be true. Has a server farm at his house. His dog almost died at one of our drafts.
Biggest Weakness: Funky, stank mojo incurs major injury on all of his team within the first 4 weeks of the season. Drastically overestimates his own ability, which in actuality hovers slightly above 0, or whatever is the bottom of the scale.
Biggest Strength: People are concerned about him becoming unhinged or accidentally snorting them up his nose, so they’ll often make deals that don’t make any sense with him.
B.M.
Owner: Brothers Seth and Aaron
Years in League: 4
Claim to Fame: Seth acts as the GM while Aaron provides the finance. This mirrors the real-life GM/Owner relationship in a surprisingly accurate manner, as Seth seems to despise Aaron and Aaron doesn’t seem to care, or even notice. Also, Aaron will often override Seth’s more informed opinion in regards to personnel, enraging Seth in a manner I can only imagine has played out innumerable times throughout their lives together. Aaron’s ignorance of actual NFL players combines with Seth’s compulsive research to form something of a gestalt that hovers around .500 year after year, with no chance of ever getting appreciably better or markedly worse.
Biggest Weakness: Aaron.
Biggest Strength: Seth.
Z’s Threesome
Owner: David
Years in League: 4
Claim to Fame: David acts as a foil to Steve, if by “foil” you mean, “repeated ass-rape victim of some seriously fucked-up trades that would’ve ruined any other relationship”. But David seems to be a genuinely nice guy stuck in a league with a bunch of jerks, and somehow his teams perform year after year.
Biggest Weakness: Inability to discern when he’s being bent over a table.
Biggest Strength: Doesn’t appear to mind being bent over a table.
Maroney’s Construda
Owner: Josh
Years in League: 5 (founding member)
Claim to Fame: Josh lives in Boston, but doesn’t seem to fit in because he isn’t an obnoxious jackass. Calm, cool, and collected, he nonetheless made perhaps the worst trade in the history of the league, giving up Michael Turner, Anquan Boldin, Peyton Manning, Jim Brown, Big Bird, the Corpse of Michael Jackson, the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota, and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni to Steve for a future 2nd round pick and a ham-and-cheese sub.
Biggest Weakness: When Steve bats his eyes.
Biggest Strength: The ability to draft via phone.
Boats n’ Hoes
Owner: Steve J.
Years in League: Rookie
Claim to Fame: I’ve never heard Steve raise his voice beyond a whisper. Rarely ventures out of his office. Possibly slept through the draft.
Biggest Weakness: Cowboy Fandom already makes him a hated member of the league. Orioles fandom makes him possibly suicidal.
Biggest Strength: Wispy facial hair.
Christopher Walken Cowbells
Owner: Me
Years in League: 5 (founding member)
Claim to Fame: Glaring plagiarizing of Bill Simmons. Built league from nothing with my own two hands. Doesn’t work for any of you. Secretly has no idea what I’m doing. Longs for the league to just die so I can go back to my quiet life. Outside of one magical season, has done nothing of note and won nothing of consequence in 5 years, yet is comfortable ridiculing everyone else’s nitwittery.
Biggest Weakness: Dainty hands are better suited for gentle computer work than outside duties, making it a long shot for me to ever have my lawn mowed.
Biggest Strength: The best thing about me is I don’t have an ego problem.
Googley Eyes
Owner: Rex
Years in League: 4 (founding member, but took a year off to prove something or other).
Claim to Fame: Once had his right eye fall out of his head. Most likely to gun you down at work. Constantly vibrating with barely-concealed rage. Loves running backs. Doesn’t like that we can only have 4 of them now.
Biggest Weakness: Sometimes gets so angry he just passes out and can’t remember what he was angry about in the first place when he comes to.
Biggest Strength: Finally shaved his head after 4 years of pretending he wasn’t bald.
Dicks in a Box
Owner: George
Years in League: Rookie
Claim to Fame: No clue about this guy. Given the draft, he may be brainless. In which case, he’ll fit in nicely in the league.
Biggest Weakness: According to my records, the draft.
Biggest Strength: Ability to show up when summoned at the drop of a hat.
Mike Vick’s Kibbles n’ Bits
Owner: Kyran
Years in League: Rookie
Claim to Fame: Maybe one of the worst drafts by a league member I can recall. Bounces off the wall with youthful enthusiasm, or maybe it’s cocaine. Thankfully, I got his money first.
Biggest Weakness: I think its football in general.
Biggest Strength: His apparent tolerance for violent homo-erotic activities.
Munich Beerswillers
Owner: Mike
Years in League: Rookie
Claim to Fame: Likes weird Euro-trash shit. Replaces Matt as our resident Wookie. Has an irrational love for Indianapolis players. Reacts violently if they are drafted ahead of him. Liable to emit a stream of awful jokes via Live Meeting during a draft; thankfully, none of us can hear him.
Biggest Weakness: May be overall the biggest nerd in our league, and that’s saying something.
Biggest Strength: The sight of a giant German guy approaching causes all of the French members of the league to immediately surrender the week.
So there you have it – a one-hundred percent accurate roster of league members. Remember the names, now, as you’ll be reading about all the stupid things we do when I write a blog once every 3 months or so.
And now, to the draft. We assemble at Steve K.’s house in the evening, and I’m late because my daughter’s violin lesson went long. This predictably caused an issue with my wife (something about being a good father, how this is more important than football, blah blah, other crap, blah), so I ended up at the draft late and already stressed out, to the point where I left my blueberry beer in the car. Shit.
I also need to double and triple check the spreadsheet I was keeping of the 117 trades that were made in the buildup to the draft. At one point or another, Jeremy occupied 6 of the 12 possible draft slots, finally selling out of the first round completely for a free haircut.
We set up in the basement and immediately began talking like sailors despite the fact that Steve’s kids were around. We’re nothing if not classy. We attempted to set up the Live Meeting to get Mike and Josh dialed in, but the video wouldn’t work, Jeremy couldn’t log into my computer, but he set up the meeting, but oh Jesus H. Christ I hate computers! Suffice to say, the sight of 5 IT guys huddled around my laptop trying to make a video conference work wasn’t in the least bit ironic. And every once in awhile, we’d hear Mike scream something like, “Peyton Manning!” or “Reggie Wayne!”. We’re not sure if he thought the draft had already started or what, but I wasn’t going to ask.
We also ended up summoning George, our 4th rookie this season, at the last minute due to some unforeseen circumstances. I’m very excited about the rookies this year, because they already are more successful at the traits the owners they are replacing were famous for.
- Mike: Replaces Carl, and while significantly younger (by about 40 years), bitches just as much.
- Kyran: Replaces Dan, had just about as bad a draft as Dan always did, but needs to work on self-hate.
- Steve: Replaces Tim, already just staring into space.
Anyhow, by the time the draft started, most everyone was already 2 beers in and in surly moods. Hopefully, that sets the table for you.
| Round 1 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Ryan | Chris Johnson |
| 2 | George | Adrian Peterson |
| 3 | Mike | Maurice Jones-Drew |
| 4 | Jeremy | Andre Johnson |
| 5 | Steve J. | Frank Gore |
| 6 | Josh | Larry Fitzgerald |
| 7 | David | Michael Turner |
| 8 | Kyran | Steve Jackson |
| 9 | Me | Randy Moss |
| 10 | Rex | Reggie Wayne |
| 11 | Steve K. | Drew Brees |
| 12 | Seth/Aaron | Tom Brady |
Worst Pick: In the first round, it’s really hard to make an awful pick, but the worst is probably Seth and Aaron reaching for Tom Brady, who in all likelihood will not be the #2 QB in fantasy this year – and I’m a Patriots fan. I can’t fully ding Seth for this, as he made the pick under duress, if by ‘duress’, you mean “ordered by your brother to do it, or else”. Seth begins digging his toes into Steve’s plush carpet like an angry, gangly ballerina.
Best Pick: It’s really hard to say, since everyone else picked just about who they should, given their positions. Let’s give it to Kyran for his selection of Steven Jackson, if only because it’s the only time he applied any type of Earth-style logic to this draft and you can be sure you won’t see his name in the “Best Pick” section of the draft again.
Commentary: Nothing much to report, although Jeremy did launch into his seething, angry criticism of me a couple rounds earlier than usual. This usually consists of me minding my own business, and him asking me how it’s going. When I respond fine, he become agitated, barking, “What’s wrong?” at me a bunch of times before following up with, “Listen, you wanted to be the commish! You wanted to run things, so here you are!”. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to run a draft and I’ve got this Neanderthal hovering over me, reeking of ham and beer. It was at this point where I remembered why I’m not sure I like this.
Round 2:
| Round 2 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Seth/Aaron | Roddy White |
| 2 | Josh | Brandon Marshall |
| 3 | Rex | Marques Colston |
| 4 | George | Anquan Boldin |
| 5 | Kyran | Steve Smith (NYG) |
| 6 | Ryan | Greg Jennings |
| 7 | Josh | Ryan Grant |
| 8 | Me | Shonn Greene |
| 9 | Jeremy | Peyton Manning |
| 10 | Steve J. | Steve Smith (CAR) |
| 11 | Steve J. | Dallas Clark |
| 12 | Ryan | DeAngelo Williams |
Worst Pick: I always love the second round, because it’s really an owner’s first opportunity to fuck up. I’m going to have to avoid the temptation of hindsight here, since I’m predictably finishing this up after week 1 (fuck you, New York Jets). Ahem. Anyhow, I’ll give it to Steve J.’s pick of Dallas Clark, if only because after the draft, we were all cleaning up and someone asked when the first tight end was drafted. I said the second, and no one believed me until Steve spoke up and said, “No, I took Clark in the 2nd”. And then we all got quiet and went home.
Best Pick: This is why fantasy football is all screwed up. It would have to go to Steve J.’s pick of Steve Smith, since he was probably the last of the elite WR’s on the board and should’ve gone a couple of picks earlier – to the point that when Kyran asked for Steve Smith, I just announced, “Steve Smith, Carolina”, and he corrected me that he wanted the guy from New York. Kyran, at this point, is already exceeding expectations.
Commentary: You’ll notice that there are some players with 2 picks in this round, and others with no picks; this is the result of some serious shenanigans by the traders in the league in a clear effort to put me in a mental institution. I finally crack into a beer that I almost spill on me when Mike lets out a primal scream after Dallas Clark gets drafted.
| Round 3 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Ryan | Wes Welker |
| 2 | Me | Ryan Matthews |
| 3 | Mike | Chad Ochocinco |
| 4 | Seth/Aaron | Matt Forte |
| 5 | David | Dwayne Bowe |
| 6 | Josh | Knowshon Moreno |
| 7 | Me | Michael Crabtree |
| 8 | Kyran | TJ Houshmandzadeh |
| 9 | George | Vernon Davis |
| 10 | Rex | Philip Rivers |
| 11 | Steve K. | Hines Ward |
| 12 | Jeremy | Arian Foster |
Worst Pick: One of these thing doesn’t belong – anywhere near the third round. Kyran’s second-round blip on the radar was nothing compared to the 3rd-round incompetency detonation that was the TJ pick. Honorable Mention to George for the Vernon Davis pick, and for Rex for wasting a 3rd rounder on a QB when you had already kept one.
Best Pick: Jeremy scores hugely with the Arian Foster pick, who I absolutely coveted. Jeremy is infinitely pleased with himself, and goes off into a corner to masturbate. It was at this point things got weird.
Commentary: I believe it was after this round that Aaron amazingly made an appearance, having never been at one of our drafts before. We’re all happy to see him, except for Seth, who shoots him a withering glance and goes back to studying up for round 4. Aaron looks at his team so far and makes a dismissive noise, prompting Seth to stab him in the face with his pen – in his mind.
| Round 4 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Seth/Aaron | Antonio Gates |
| 2 | Steve K. | Joseph Addai |
| 3 | Rex | Jonathan Stewart |
| 4 | George | Marion Barber |
| 5 | Kyran | Jerome Harrison |
| 6 | Me | Jermichael Finley |
| 7 | Josh | Calvin Johnson |
| 8 | Jeremy | Jason Witten |
| 9 | Jeremy | Ricky Williams |
| 10 | Mike | Donald Driver |
| 11 | Steve J. | Tony Romo |
| 12 | Ryan | Percy Harvin |
Worst Pick: Oh my heavens, you wacky new guys! George and Kyran both reach for guys that probably would’ve been there 4 rounds later. I can’t kill George too bad since he came in completely cold. Kyran, by this point, has begun typing and clicking feverishly into his Blackberry, for what at the time we assumed was fantasy info, but in hindsight we now realize was probably just porn.
Best Pick: Calvin Johnson was a keeper, so he doesn’t count. I do like the Stewart pick by Rex, who suddenly pissed himself when he realized he was in round 4 and didn’t have a running back.
Commentary: Seth suggests Antonio Gates, and Aaron approves. Seth beams. I’m thrilled with Jermichael Finely, to the point where I think I may just prepend a “jer” to everyone’s names all year long, just for the fun of it.
| Round 5 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Ryan | Beanie Wells |
| 2 | Steve J. | Robert Meachem |
| 3 | Mike | Brent Celek |
| 4 | Seth/Aaron | Ronnie Brown |
| 5 | David | Ray Rice |
| 6 | Josh | Javhid Best |
| 7 | Me | Joe Flacco |
| 8 | Kyran | Carson Palmer |
| 9 | Steve J. | CJ Spiller |
| 10 | Rex | Brandon Jacobs |
| 11 | Steve K. | Jeremy Maclin |
| 12 | Jeremy | Mike Wallace |
Worst Pick: Beanie Wells and Ray Rice are keepers, so for all you who were screaming, “What the hell kind of league of retards is this?” – we’re just your average retards. I can’t beat up on Kyran any longer, despite the fact that he’s assembling an incredible team if the year is 2003. So I’ll give this one to me, because I just hate the pick. I had to make it because QB’s from here on out are rough, but I just don’t like the pick.
Best Pick: Some gems here; Seth and Aaron get Ronnie Brown a round after Jeremy took Ricky Williams, which makes me want to go up and edit out that ‘worst pick’ from round 4. But I love the Mike Wallace pick, who I think is in for a breakout year. Jeremy is assembling a pretty decent team, which depresses me and causes me to crack open another blueberry beer.
Commentary: I should mention that Jeremy also got me hooked on Orange Blossom, a Cream Ale with orange added to it. Leave us alone, we’re in love. In other news, Steve J. is asleep, and Steve K., who is usually a chatter box by now, has been eerily quiet all draft. It’s almost as if the constant ridicule leading up to this night actually got to him. But don’t fret, League Members: by week 3, you’ll all have been offered a buttered bagel and a defense for your best receiver. Bank on it.
| Round 6 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Aaron/Seth | Cedric Benson |
| 2 | Steve K. | Tony Gonzalez |
| 3 | Rex | Reggie Bush |
| 4 | George | Justin Forsett |
| 5 | Kyran | Chris Cooley |
| 6 | Me | Hakeem Nicks |
| 7 | Josh | Kevin Kolb |
| 8 | David | Felix Jones |
| 9 | Jeremy | Ahmad Bradshaw |
| 10 | Mike | Santana Moss |
| 11 | Me | Zach Miller |
| 12 | Ryan | Brett Favre |
Worst Pick: Ced Benson is a keeper here, so no counting him. I really liked this round, so I’m going to give it to myself, for dopily taking another tight end in a misguided attempt to take advantage of the new rule where we can start a tight end at flex. The lesson is, as always, I’m a douchebag.
Best Pick: Like I said, nice round. Guys got some good value. Kyran’s Cooley pick is a good one, but I really like Jeremy’s Bradshaw pick, as Bradshaw was named the starter the day of our draft. In round 6, that ain’t bad. I want to die.
Commentary: Jeremy is just so fucking pleased with himself right now, and I’m bitter and I hate him in his stupid clown outfit. Steve J. woke up just in time to make his pick, and Kyran continues to fiddle with his phone. Steve K. is silent, Ryan has taken off his pants, and Seth and Aaron are ready to kill one another. Mike continues to make weird nerd jokes that we can’t even hear, and Josh just wants this all to end. The mood is sour.
| Round 7 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Ryan | Clinton Portis |
| 2 | Steve J. | Braylon Edwards |
| 3 | Mike | Donovan McNabb |
| 4 | Jeremy | Cadillac Williams |
| 5 | David | Owen Daniels |
| 6 | Josh | Chad Henne |
| 7 | Me | Ben Rapelisberger |
| 8 | Kyran | Eddie Royal |
| 9 | George | Willis McGahee |
| 10 | Rex | Jay Cutler |
| 11 | Steve K. | Dez Bryant |
| 12 | Seth/Aaron | Steve Breaston |
Worst Pick: Listen, anything you can get a glorified short-yardage back in round 7, you have to take him, right George? Jesus. I double-check to make sure George paid.
Best Pick: Oh, I dunno. Is the season over yet? Goddamn, I hate this, but Jeremy’s pick of Cadillac Williams is a good one. The guy should get a pretty large workload, and that’s rare in today’s NFL. Bile begins to rise up my throat.
Commentary: Software malfunctions galore; I dunno how Ryan ran this software for the last 2 years, but I wish I hadn’t offered to do it and run the draft at the same time. This compels me to assign a Lieutenant Commish, but as I look around I sadly realize that no one has the qualifications – which consist only of a reasonable intelligence and a high tolerance for wanton stupidity. But hey, look there! It’s another beer!
| Round 8 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Seth/Aaron | LaDanian Tomlison |
| 2 | Steve K. | Kellen Winslow |
| 3 | Rex | Fred Jackson |
| 4 | George | Santonio Holmes |
| 5 | Kyran | Terrell Owens |
| 6 | Me | Donald Brown |
| 7 | Josh | Eagles DEF |
| 8 | David | Kenny Britt |
| 9 | Jeremy | Johnny Knox |
| 10 | Mike | Vincent Jackson |
| 11 | Steve J. | Bernard Berrian |
| 12 | Ryan | Eli Manning |
Worst Pick: Josh, who is usually on top of his game, takes the first defense of the night about 4 rounds too early. He’s driving to Michigan during the draft, and we’re hoping he’s not drunk as all hell.
Best Pick: Jeremy scores again with Johnny Knox. This is the last year of the league, I’m calling it now. Pack this shit up, we’re finished. It’s the apocalypse, for sure. I had no idea going into this write up that Jeremy had as good as a draft as he did, otherwise I can’t say I’d have gone through with it. Don’t worry, I’d have come up with just as good as an excuse as I always have (“Uh, I just didn’t do it”).
Commentary: I hate, hate, hate my Donald Brown pick and slip into a deep depression, which is only alleviated when Seth and Aaron begin brawling over a train set and who gets to be the engine and who gets to be the caboose. Boys…….boys!!
| Round 9 | |||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken | |
| 1 | Ryan | Visanthe Shiancoe | |
| 2 | Steve J. | Thomas Jones | |
| 3 | Mike | Matt Ryan | |
| 4 | Jeremy | See Round 12 | |
| 5 | David | Nate Burleson | |
| 6 | Josh | Rashard Mendenhall | |
| 7 | Me | Darren Sproles | |
| 8 | Kyran | Jason Campbell | |
| 9 | George | Matt Schaub | |
| 10 | Rex | Julian Edelman | |
| 11 | Steve K. | Jets DEF | |
| 12 | Seth/Aaron | Ravens DEF | |
Worst Pick: Calm down, everyone. Mendenhall was a keeper. But, the run on defenses begins, as Steve K. takes the Jets and Seth and Aaron panic and grab the Ravens. I don’t even know if these are bad picks or not, the fact that Jeremy of all people is having a good draft has plunged me into an existential crisis. Is this real? Am I real?
Best Pick: Ryan scores with Shiancoe, who could very well lead the Vikes in receptions with Rice out. Ryan celebrates by attempting to violate the corpse of Steve J., who we are pretty sure is now legally dead.
Commentary: At this point, it’s almost 9:45 and we’re all punchy as we realize no one likes each other, at all. Seth and Aaron and Jeremy all realize that they play in the same softball league, so this leads to a seemingly endless discussion of all things softball-related, from the diamond they play on to the various umpires and their characteristics. For those of you who are keeping the Major League dream alive by playing in your local slow-pitch softball league well into your 50’s, I’m sure this was a riveting conversation, but Christ if I didn’t want to dig my eyes out of my head with a spork.
| Round 10 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Seth/Aaron | Heath Miller |
| 2 | Steve K. | LeSean McCoy |
| 3 | Rex | Dustin Keller |
| 4 | George | Packers DEF |
| 5 | Kyran | John Carlson |
| 6 | Me | 49ers DEF |
| 7 | Josh | Greg Olsen |
| 8 | David | Saints DEF |
| 9 | Jeremy | Vikings DEF |
| 10 | Mike | Pierre Thomas |
| 11 | Steve J. | Steelers DEF |
| 12 | Ryan | Tony Scheffler |
Worst Pick: Did you know that no tight end in a Mike Martz offense has ever caught a pass? Ever?? I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I don’t like the Greg Olsen pick here.
Best Pick: Rex score some good value with Dustin Keller. LeSean McCoy (damn, I hate typing his name. Alternating lower/upper case letters!) and Pierre Thomas are both keepers here.
Commentary: Get your defense quick!! Quickly!! Hey, did anyone realize the 49ers were last year’s #1 ranked fantasy defense? Neither did I until after the draft, so good for me! Steve J. miraculously recovers and wonders why his pants are down; turns out Ryan is very loving.
| Round 11 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Ryan | Cowboys DEF |
| 2 | Steve J. | Stephen Gostkowski |
| 3 | Mike | Michael Bush |
| 4 | Jeremy | Whoops |
| 5 | David | Aaron Rodgers |
| 6 | Josh | Fred Davis |
| 7 | Me | Matthew Stafford |
| 8 | Kyran | Nate Kaeding |
| 9 | George | Ryan Longwell |
| 10 | Rex | Kyle Orton |
| 11 | Steve K. | Tim Hightower |
| 12 | Seth/Aaron | Dolphins DEF |
Worst Pick: Well, Steve J. breaks the draft’s kicker cherry by making what will heretofore be known as the “Crusty Carl Memorial First Kicker Taken Too Early” pick, in memory of former league member Crusty Carl.
Best Pick: I like Rex’s pick of Kyle Orton here. I do believe he finished in the top 15 at his position last year and that team is going to have to throw a ton. See what I did there? Throw in some legit FFL knowledge on you? It isn’t all about comedy, folks. Actually, I’m not sure it’s ever about comedy if you ask around, but intent has to count for something…..
Commentary: It’s probably only 10:00 right now but it feels like it’s 3pm the next day. David gets cabin fever and freaks out, threatening to eat us all until he realizes we have like 4 pizzas left over from when Steve K. harassed the pizza guy. None of that happened, but I hadn’t mentioned David all draft. Hi, David!
| Round 12 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Seth/Aaron | David Akers |
| 2 | Steve K. | Jamaal Charles |
| 3 | Rex | Anthony Fasano |
| 4 | George | Jeremy Shockey |
| 5 | Kyran | Darren McFadden |
| 6 | Me | Kevin Boss |
| 7 | Josh | Mason Crosby |
| 8 | David | Vince Young |
| 9 | Jeremy | Montario Hardesty |
| 10 | Mike | Redskins DEF |
| 11 | Steve J. | Austin Collie |
| 12 | Ryan | Marcedes Lewis |
Worst Pick: Jamaal Charles is a keeper here. Hard to argue with too many of these picks, but I’ll give it to Jeremy anyhow, if only because it was here that he realized he had drafted six running backs and five wide receivers, despite my proclamations leading up to and directly before the draft that we could only have 4 each. That explains the ‘whoopsies’ in a couple rounds up there, as I had no choice but to invalidate those picks. To Jeremy’s credit, he was cool about it, and also my software sucks, but it was a happy reminder that he’s barely functional.
Best Pick: Boy, I would’ve said Hardesty, but there’s that whole retarded thing I mentioned right up there……so we’ll give it to Kyran, ‘cause I think McFadden may be his #2 RB at this point.
Commentary: We’re all tired at this point; half of us only have one or 2 picks left due to keepers, or trades, and the other half is primed to waste 2 minutes and 50 seconds of their 3 minutes time limit deciding which kicker to take. I hate everyone, but mostly myself.
| Round 13 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Ryan | Sam Bradford |
| 2 | Steve J. | Steve Slaton |
| 3 | Mike | Garrett Hartley |
| 4 | Seth/Aaron | Lee Evans |
| 5 | David | Rob Gronkowski |
| 6 | Josh | Jabar Gaffney |
| 7 | Me | Matt Bryant |
| 8 | Kyran | Texans DEF |
| 9 | George | Rob Bironas |
| 10 | Rex | Todd Heap |
| 11 | Steve K. | David Garrard |
| 12 | Mike | Julius Jones |
Worst Pick: What’s that? We’re still doing this part? Oh my God. When does it end? How can you have a ‘worst pick’ in Round 13 anyhow? Let’s go Julius Jones, because I hate him.
Best Pick: Loved David’s pick of Rob Gronkowski, because I’m a Patriots homer. I also hate the fact that, at this point in the draft, I was sorry I couldn’t draft a fourth tight end. I don’t like my chances this year.
Commentary: At this point, Ryan puts his pants back on, gives us the middle finger, and just up and leaves. Steve J. is spooning with Steve K. and I’m not gonna lie: awkward.
| Round 14 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Seth/Aaron | Matt Cassel |
| 2 | Steve K. | Robbie Gould |
| 3 | Rex | Chargers DEF |
| 4 | George | Golden Tate |
| 5 | Kyran | Matt Moore |
| 6 | Me | Devin Aromashodu |
| 7 | Josh | Bears DEF |
| 8 | David | Dexter McCluster |
| 9 | Jeremy | Shayne Graham |
| 10 | Mike | Alex Smith |
| 11 | Steve J. | Mark Sanchez |
| 12 | Ryan | Adam Vinatieri |
Worst Pick: I don’t care. At this point in the draft, we’re all just laying in the gutter, pants down…….wait, that’s only me?
Best Pick: Dexter McCluster, if only because he sounds like he’d be a great mascot for PopEye’s chicken – although they already have one……
Commentary: I think Aaron thought Matt Cassel was still a Patriot and took him. People begin packing up. Jeremy roles out his sleeping back to Steve K.’s horror. Jeremy: “You shut up! I’m movin’ in, whether you like it or not!”
| Round 15 | ||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken |
| 1 | Ryan | Skipped |
| 2 | Steve J. | Aaron Hernandez |
| 3 | Mike | Colts DEF |
| 4 | Jeremy | Bengals DEF |
| 5 | David | Jermaine Gresham |
| 6 | Josh | Derek Anderson |
| 7 | Me | Skipped |
| 8 | Kyran | Bo Scaife |
| 9 | George | Miles Austin |
| 10 | Rex | Bucs DEF |
| 11 | Steve K | Malcolm Floyd |
| 12 | Seth/Aaron | Jeff Reed |
Worst Pick: All of them. Even if Miles Austin wasn’t a keeper, and I hadn’t given him up last year in a futile and ultimately failed attempt to win the league last year, this round sucks.
Best Pick: See above.
Commentary: Screw all of you.
| Round 15 | |||
| Pick | Owner | Player Taken | |
| 1 | Seth/Aaron | Pierre Garcon | |
| 2 | Steve K. | Patriots DEF | |
| 3 | Rex | Sidney Rice | |
| 4 | George | Matt Hasselbeck | |
| 5 | Kyran | Broncos DEF | |
| 6 | Me | Skipped | |
| 7 | Josh | Skipped | |
| 8 | David | Matt Prater | |
| 9 | Jeremy | Mike Sims-Walker | |
| 10 | Mike | Olindo Mare | |
| 11 | Steve J. | Giants DEF | |
| 12 | Ryan | DeSean Jackson | |
Commentary: No best or worst here, as most were just longshot keeper picks.
At this point it’s about 10:45pm, roughly an hour and a half later than I would’ve liked the draft to end, but whatever. We all get ready to leave, and Jeremy is brushing his teeth getting ready for bed. Steve K. is troubled; I recommend calling the cops. Steve J. is in a coma, and Kyran is wondering when the first game is and who’ll be pitching.
All in all, another successful draft in the books. We’re all still in the honeymoon period at this point, convinced we nailed the draft and that all 12 of us have incredible teams (and the other teams all suck). That, essentially is what fantasy football is all about: that initial euphoria, followed by the slow and inevitable realization that you totally blew it, your team sucks, and you have no real way to get any better – and you’ll repeat it all again next year.
I love FFL!
