Year Six: Draft Review

2011 BGTD League Draft Review

“The Draft of Douch”

Welcome, one and all, to the sixth season of the BGTD Fantasy Football League, and welcome to the annual Draft Review!

Given that the Draft Review last year was just about the only thing I wrote about the league and all the gooballs that inhabit it, I’ll forgive your surprise that I actually managed to pull this one off.  But I’ve turned over a new leaf!  So help me, I’ll write something every week even if it’s just a grocery list, or a “Greatest Hits” compilation of all the stupid things Jeremy has said/done over the past 5 years.

This year, for what I believe is the first time ever, we return the entire league – so I won’t repeat the introductions I did last year (for those, see http://bgtdffl.wordpress.com/2010/09/16/250/).  This is good for a couple reasons, paramount among them because last year we had 4 new folks in the league: Kyran, George Vaginitis, Steve J. and Mike.  As they were new, I was timid about saying nasty things about them, like “Steve J’s head looks like a giant misshapen tennis ball” or “Kyran smells and drafts like a rutabaga”.  Part of the shtick here, you see, is to insult the league members, and when I’m down to only 8 of 12 options….well, it’s a little restrictive.  Such is not the case this year, I assure you.  I do this, of course, with the affection a caring parent may have for their one-legged, retarded hamster.  Come here, you lil’ hamsters!  Give the Commish a hug!

Note that, as always (or at least since Ryan couldn’t get a job), only first names will be used, to ensure gainful employment opportunities for one and all.  Nothing like going to an interview and being asked why there’s a site out on the InterWeb claiming you are a serial nasal-raper.  That’s a total downer, for sure.

So let’s set the scene, shall we?

Per the usual procedure, I had thrown out several dates way back in June for folks to chime in about as possible dates for the draft.  Every year this seems to catch people by surprise.  Yes, we draft each year, everyone.

Selecting a date is difficult because at this particular time of the year, half the league is still chasing their broken, busted-up boyhood dream of being a legitimate athlete/heterosexual man by competing in their local slow-pitch softball league (or, in the case of some of the league members who have no wishes to be with their families, ever, 5 or 6 slow-pitch softball leagues).  I don’t know a ton about softball, but from what I understand it works this way: some guy tosses a giant ball underhanded towards home plate, where some other guy jacks it over the fence, and then jogs around the bases.  Repeat this ad-infinitum, and somehow eventually the game ends with a score of 167-120.  Enthralling stuff – right up there with T-Ball.

We have two guys who are legitimately unable to make it due to where they live, so I made the mistake (once the date was selected) of volunteering to host it in an on-line fashion instead of having folks phone in and do it off-line.  Predictably, this resulted in at least 3 more guys who had previously committed to coming to the draft immediately bailing out and deciding to draft at home, because they are, for a lack of a better word, dicks.

The problem with the online draft in a keeper league is that keepers are immediately drafted for you in rounds 1-2, which doesn’t work for us since our league is way too complicated for that, and, in related news, I hate myself.

So, we had to scrap the keeper setup altogether and agree that we wouldn’t be morons and we would let the owners of the keepers draft them in the appropriate round, thinking this would stop anyone from looking at the draft list and saying, “Wait a minute, it’s round 8 and Jamaal Charles is still around and no one has noticed!  What a bunch of assholes!  I’m taking him!”.  This, of course, resulted in Jamaal Charles being drafted roughly 27 times by different people (including his rightful owner, 4 rounds too early).  I’m not making this up, and none of you should be surprised.

Although we were set to start at 6:30, we had a record 3 members of the league who logged in late due to ‘traffic’ (code for what I imagine is, “I picked up a tranny at a stoplight”).  It seems that the indignation of the rest of the league is inversely proportional to the apathy of the folks who don’t make it on time; the longer we wait, the more enraged everyone becomes until there are legitimate calls for a hit to be put out.  I am slightly more patient, knowing that if we wait for Kyran, it’s 100% likely a solid player will fall to me because he screwed up.  Cue diabolical laugh.

So that sets the table.  Off we go!

Round 1

	Team	Pick
1	David	Arian Foster
2	Kyran	Calvin Johnson
3	Ryan	Adrian Peterson
4	George	Chris Johnson
5	Mike	Maurice Jones-Drew
6	Steve J.	Andre Johnson
7	Seth and Aaron	Larry Fitzgerald
8	Rex	Aaron Rodgers
9	Josh	Roddy White
10	Steve K.	Greg Jennings
11	Me	Frank Gore
12	Jeremy	Drew Brees

 

Best Pick: A quick note to all of you familiar with FFL’s in general: we are a keeper league.  We can keep players drafted in round 4 or below and we lose that corresponding pick in the next year’s draft.  You’ll see (K) next to some picks here in rounds 4 and below, and that indicates the player is a keeper from the previous year (or often, 2 years ago).  Just a quick note so you don’t think this league is entirely inhabited by kindergarteners (when, in fact, they only a third of us read at that level).

Best Pick is always a tough one in the early rounds, as everyone drafts pretty much where they should (minus some obvious exceptions: see ‘Worst Pick’ below).   I suppose Chris Johnson at 4 is as good a pick as any at this point.  Suffice to say, we’re 4 picks into round 1 and apathy is already setting in.

Worst Pick: When Kyran picked Calvin Johnson with the 2^nd overall pick, I actually paused the draft to double check if he really meant Chris Johnson, so I did.  And, to his credit (or possible detriment) he indicated that, yes, indeed, he meant Calvin Johnson.  It was at this point that I realized Kyran was setting himself up for a truly legendary draft – something we’d all be talking about years later, like we talk about natural disasters, or antibiotic resistant gonorrhea.

Thoughts:  Ryan threw out the first insult of the night while prompting someone to draft quicker, calling this person a “Douch”.  I can only assume he meant “douche”, but this was excellent because everyone actually at the draft began calling each other “Douches”, pronounced “D-ouch-s”.  I’m thinking it actually makes a good formal title – kind of like, “Duke” or “Earl”.  I may actually refer to Ryan for the rest of my life as “Douch Ryan”.  It has a ring to it.

Round 2

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Steven Jackson
14	Me	Matt Forte
15	Steve K.	Miles Austin
16	Josh	DeSean Jackson
17	Rex	Michael Turner
18	Seth and Aaron	Felix Jones
19	Steve J.	DeAngelo Williams
20	Mike	Knowshon Moreno
21	George	Tom Brady
22	Ryan	Dwayne Bowe
23	Kyran	Matt Schaub
24	David	Philip Rivers

 

Best Pick: I have to tell you, I just about blew up in my pants when Matt Forte was there for me in the second round.  I’m giving this one to me, and maybe you’ll understand when my season is over by week 7 due to a combination of injuries and my own incompetence.  You’ll understand then, if you have a soul at all.

Worst Pick: There are some to choose from.  I think Knowshon Moreno is going to be a total bust, and I think Dwayne Bowe has no shot of repeating anywhere close to next year’s stats.  But Kyran seems to be insistent on sticking to the ever-popular “Draft Guys Three Rounds Ahead of Where You Could’ve Gotten Them” strategy.

Thoughts: Softball talk begins and I zone out.  Something about Jeremy’s team losing and Aaron’s team winning, and then everyone getting together afterwards to trade MatchBox cars or something.  Jeremy prefaced his Stephen Jackson pick with, “I have this guy every year and I hate him”.  I think it’s going to be a great season.

Round 3

	Team	Pick
1	David	Brandon Lloyd
2	Kyran	Brandon Marshall
3	Ryan	Jeremy Maclin
4	George	Marques Colston
5	Mike	Cedric Benson
6	Steve J.	Mark Ingram
7	Seth and Aaron	Reggie Wayne
8	Rex	Santonio Holmes
9	Josh	Wes Welker
10	Steve K.	DallasClark
11	Me	Percy Harvin
12	Jeremy	Jonathan Stewart

 

Best Pick: I like Josh’s pick of Wes Welker here.  Even though I’m reasonably sure he tried to take Ray Rice.

Worst Pick: Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne both go despite the fact that it was reported that Peyton Manning’s entire head rolled off his torso earlier in the day.  It will be interesting to see how well those players do with the immortal Kerry Collins chucking the ball on 3 weeks prep time in the Colts offense.

Thoughts: Kyran flies under the radar with a sneaky good pick of Brandon Marshall, and the world doesn’t implode.  Jeremy takes Jonathan Stewart, because anytime you can handcuff someone else’s running back in Round 3, that’s just a move you have to make.  The ‘cool factor’ of my team goes up exponentially now that I have someone named ‘Percy’ on it.

Round 4

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Kenny Britt
14	Me	Ben Roethlisberger
15	Steve K.	Jamaal Charles Steve Johnson
16	Josh	Sam Bradford
17	Rex	Beanie Wells
18	Seth and Aaron	Antonio Gates (K)
19	Steve J.	Tony Romo (K)
20	Mike	Mario Manningham
21	George	Ryan Matthews
22	Ryan	Shonn Greene
23	Kyran	CJ Spiller
24	David	Anquan Boldin

 

Best Pick: I have a massive man-crush on Kenny Britt going back to last season, so I think I have to give this one to Jeremy – taking him in round 4 makes him keeper eligible for next season.

Worst Pick: As a not-so-proud owner of Ryan Matthews and Shonn Greene last year, I probably would not have picked them until round 23.  Matthews will be injured, Greene stinks.

Thoughts: Steve K, although owning Jamaal Charles as a 9^th round keeper, ejaculates prematurely and takes him in the 4^th.  We begin the keepers now, which is great because up until this point I’ve been  typing them into the chat window (all 19 of them) each round to make sure no one takes them.  Sure.  Fuckin’ likely.

Round 5

	Team	Pick
1	David	Ray Rice (K)
2	Kyran	ChadOchocinco
3	Ryan	Tim Hightower
4	George	Jermichael Finley
5	Mike	Ray Rice what the FUCK!  Julio Jones
6	Steve J.	Mike Wallace (K)
7	Seth and Aaron	Matthew Stafford
8	Rex	Jason Witten
9	Josh	Jahvid Best (K)
10	Steve K.	Austin Collie
11	Me	VernonDavis
12	Jeremy	Malcolm Floyd

 

Best Pick: I think Tim Hightower could finish as a top 10 guy this year, so let’s give it to Marsee.  Have I mentioned, by the way, that “Best Pick” and “Worst Pick” are given out with no actual empirical thought except my own evaluation?  And did I also mention I won 4 games last year?  I just thought you should know.

Worst Pick:  Predictably, I hated Kyran’s pick of Ochocinco, but I think I hated Steve K.’s Collie pick more, only because the Colts are going to suck huge donkey balls this year.  Sorry, Mike.  It’s true.

Thoughts: At this point, Mike tries to take Ray Rice and then gets mad he can’t have him.  He also offers to chat, or ‘cyber’ with anyone who wants: the silence is deafening as we’re all pretty sure Mike is pantless.  More keepers come off the board, and I crack another blueberry beer – it’s kind of my thing.

Round 6

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Ahmad Bradshaw (K)
14	Me	Hakeem Nicks (K)
15	Steve K.	Fred Jackson
16	Josh	Reggie Bush
17	Rex	AJ Green
18	Seth and Aaron	Peyton Manning
19	Steve J.	Owen Daniels
20	Mike	Joseph Addai
21	George	Ryan Grant
22	Ryan	Pierre Garcon
23	Kyran	Josh Freeman
24	David	Sidney Rice

 

Best Pick: I liked Steve K’s pick here – not always that you can get a starting RB in round 6, even if it is for the Buffalo Bills.  Steve, still chastened from attempting to pick Jamaal Charles 4 rounds too early, has not said a word to anyone.  He may be crying.

Worst Pick: Ugh, where can I begin?  A lot of people shit the bed in this round.  Sidney Rice has probably the worst QB in the league throwing to him and the only good season he’s ever really had was Bret Farve’s miracle 2009 season.  Ryan Grant is not even the best RB on his team, but I forgive George because he’s rubbing pizza all over his chest by this point in the draft

Thoughts: .  Aaron left a couple rounds ago, but Seth is still compulsively texting him for approval, which probably mirrors any thousand times something similar has happened throughout their lives.  David, who is the only one sitting on the floor, starts building a train track out of Steve’s kids’ train supplies.  We just think it’s the cutest thing.

Round 7

	Team	Pick
1	David	Jimmy Graham
2	Kyran	Kellen Winslow
3	Ryan	Matt Ryan
4	George	Lee Evans
5	Mike	Kevin Kolb
6	Steve J.	Robert Meachem
7	Seth and Aaron	James Starks
8	Rex	Marshawn Lynch
9	Josh	Santana Moss
10	Steve K.	Joe Flacco
11	Me	Dez Bryant (K)
12	Jeremy	Marcedes Lewis

 

Best Pick: In a move highly unusual for the reserved Seth, he pulls down his pants and rubs his sack on George to celebrate his pick of Starks, a round after George foolishly drafted Grant.  I can’t say I disagree with the tactic; in fact, the whole league is nodding silently in approval.  Someone had to do it since Ryan is remote this year.

Worst Pick: These middle rounds are where championships are won, and it seems a majority of the league is just giving up at this point.  There is no tape I can come up with that would point to any factual basis to say that there is an iota of proof in any way that Kevin Kolb is any good.  I wanted to see how long I could make that sentence.  Both Jeremy and Kyran take bullshit tight ends.  But Lee Evans is going to be garbage this year, so George makes it two in a row, and is now neck and neck with Kyran for Worst Draft.  But don’t worry, true believers, I have a feeling Kyran has some more magic up his sleeves.

Thoughts: Steve K. has still not spoken since being roundly ridiculed for his earlier pick of Charles; this isn’t like him.  Jeremy demonstrates how to take one’s underwear off while still wearing one’s pants; we are duly impressed.  Suffice to say, there is drinking that is happening.

Round 8

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Steve Smith (CAR)
14	Me	Mike Tolbert
15	Steve K.	Eli Manning
16	Josh	Steelers D/ST
17	Rex	Pierre Thomas
18	Seth and Aaron	Vincent Jackson (K)
19	Steve J.	Brandon Jacobs
20	Mike	Michael Crabtree
21	George	Mike Sims-Walker
22	Ryan	Greg Olsen
23	Kyran	Ronnie Brown
24	David	Jordy Nelson

 

Best Pick: Is it odd that upon reviewing this round, I don’t like any of the picks at all?  That being said, I’ll give it to me because I think Tolbert will outproduce Matthews (again) this year.  I

Worst Pick: Kyran battles back and takes Ronnie Brown, almost daring George to break the kicker seal next round.  I’m convinced that Kyran thought that Ronnie Brown still started forMiami when he made this move – and, that it was 2007.

Thoughts: I believe it was at this point that Josh made a pick of someone else’s keeper (shock!) and then got up and went to pee (masturbate furiously).  I had backed his pick up but by the time he came back he had auto-picked.  He asked to back up again, but the league reacted as if he was the shoe bomber so I had no choice; poor Josh.  That said, awkward time to rub one out (although that, plus our actual physical presence, has not stopped Steve J. who has roughed up the suspect 4 times while sitting right next to me.  Awkward.)

Round 9

	Team	Pick
1	David	Jay Cutler
2	Kyran	Colt McCoy
3	Ryan	Ryan Torain
4	George	Michael Bush
5	Mike	Plaxico Burress
6	Steve J.	Donald Driver
7	Seth and Aaron	Danny Woodhead
8	Rex	Kyle Orton
9	Josh	Rashard Mendenhall (K)
10	Steve K.	Brandon Pettigrew
11	Me	Danny Amendola
12	Jeremy	Lance Moore

 

Best Pick: As much as I love lil’ Danny Woodhead, George decides to throw the ‘Worst Draft’ title by taking Michael Bush, which is a great pick given how likely it is McFadden misses games.

Worst Pick: Rex takes Kyle Orton as we all become desperate for backup quarterbacks, but Kyran’s pick of Colt McCoy takes the cake, if only because it’s his third quarterback and we only start one.  We are witnessing history.

Thoughts: Steve J. has fallen asleep; I’m trying to keep him from leaning on me because I can’t breathe.  The draft is actually moving rather quickly now, but I’m sure someone will fuck something up shortly to slow it back down.

Round 10

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Willis McGahee
14	Me	Donovan McNabb
15	Steve K.	LeSean McCoy (K)
16	Josh	Daniel Thomas
17	Rex	Braylon Edwards
18	Seth and Aaron	Darren Sproles
19	Steve J.	DeMarco Murray
20	Mike	Tony Gonzalez
21	George	Aaron Hernandez
22	Ryan	Rob Gronkowski
23	Kyran	Anthony Armstrong
24	David	Bernard Berrian

 

Best Pick: I love both George and Ryan’s picks of theNew England tight ends, so they can share this one.  I think one of them will lead the team in receiving, and the other in touchdowns.

Worst Pick: Tempted to hand this one to Mike for taking Good Ol’ Tony Gonzalez in his 36th year while both aforementionedNew England tight ends were on the board, but anytime a player drafted causes a round of “Who’s that?” or “Was that a mistaken” or “Is that guy playing?” – as Kyran’s pick of completely unknown Anthony Armstrong did – it’s almost required by me to assign it Worst Pick.

Thoughts: I don’t have any because I’m only 130 pounds and I’m two blueberry beers down.  Ok, fine.  140.  145, then.  Fuck you.

Round 11

	Team	Pick
1	David	Zach Miller
2	Kyran	Ravens D/ST
3	Ryan	Jacoby Ford
4	George	Nate Burleson
5	Mike	Matt Cassel
6	Steve J.	Packers D/ST
7	Seth and Aaron	Mike Thomas
8	Rex	Hines Ward
9	Josh	Jared Cook
10	Steve K.	Jets D/ST
11	Me	Greg Little
12	Jeremy	Thomas Jones

 

Best Pick: Hines Ward at this point is good value – I don’t care how old he is, he’s going to have a couple good games.

Worst Pick: Everyone at this point is almost a flier, so it’s hard to say.  I’m going to give it to anyone who took a defense in a league in which defenses very rarely score above 15 points.   I know, Josh broke the seal a couple rounds ago, but I want to get this finished.

Thoughts: Despite the fact that we are only about an hour in, anytime someone takes longer than 20 seconds to make a pick people become downright hostile.  I’m sure at some point we all liked one another, but I think we made a wrong turn somewhere.  I’m crying a bit about that, inside.

Round 12

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Eagles D/ST
14	Me	Delone Carter
15	Steve K.	Jamaal Charles (K)
16	Josh	Johnny Knox
17	Rex	BlaineGabbert
18	Seth and Aaron	Ben Tate
19	Steve J.	LaDainian Tomlinson
20	Mike	Todd Heap
21	George	Steve Breaston
22	Ryan	Emmanuel Sanders
23	Kyran	Jacquizz Rodgers
24	David	Montario Hardesty

 

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: We’ve reached the point in the review where I condense everything, because I don’t remember half of what happened, and it’s a week and a half later, and it’s really hard to take notes on the stupid things everyone does while also drafting my own team and backing out picks because assholes keep thinking Ray Rice is still available.  Steve K. finally gets Charles, although I’m sure someone will request to draft him next round.  I like the Hardesty pick, and it gets a hearty round of “nice pick” comments from the league; David curls himself into a ball on the floor and rolls back and forth in joy.  Hate the Gabbert pick, because I think he sucks.

Round 13

	Team	Pick
1	David	Patriots D/ST
2	Kyran	Darren McFadden (K)
3	Ryan	Bears D/ST
4	George	Stephen Gostkowski
5	Mike	Ryan Fitzpatrick
6	Steve J.	Mark Sanchez
7	Seth and Aaron	Chargers D/ST
8	Rex	Neil Rackers
9	Josh	Lance Kendricks
10	Steve K.	Roy Helu
11	Me	Kendall Hunter
12	Jeremy	Roy Williams

 

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: More defenses are taken – you guys are jerks.  Kyran gets his keeper but tries to tell us he doesn’t want him anymore; I may or may not have made that up, but you’d buy it, right?  I like the Fitzpatrick pick here because he’s been decent anytime they turn the starter job over to him, and I hate Jeremy’s homer pick of Roy Williams because Roy Williams sucks and Roy Williams is fat.

Round 14

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Brent Celek
14	Me	Dustin Keller
15	Steve K.	Nate Kaeding
16	Josh	Deji Karim
17	Rex	Falcons D/ST
18	Seth and Aaron	Davone Bess
19	Steve J.	Rob Bironas
20	Mike	Golden Tate
21	George	Saints D/ST
22	Ryan	Mason Crosby
23	Kyran	Billy Cundiff
24	David	Marion Barber

 

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: Hard to fault anyone at this point; people start taking kickers because a lot of folks don’t have picks in rounds 15 or 16 because of keepers picks.  I do like David’s pick of Marion Barber because he looked good in the preseason, and hate Mike’s pick of Golden Tate because no one named Golden has ever been good at anything.

Round 15

	Team	Pick
1	David	Garrett Hartley
2	Kyran	Justin Forsett
3	Ryan	Michael Vick (K)
4	George	Jerome Harrison
5	Mike	Lions D/ST
6	Steve J.	Chris Cooley
7	Seth and Aaron	Cowboys D/ST
8	Rex	Peyton Hillis (K)
9	Josh	Rams D/ST
10	Steve K.	Jerome Simpson
11	Me	49ers D/ST
12	Jeremy	Sebastian Janikowski

 

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: More kickers, more defenses, people are putting their pants back on and packing up their shit.  Someone suggests we wake Steve J. up but he looks so sweet, we leave him there.  That, and I think Jeremy wants to put something in his mouth after we all leave the room, but hey, ain’t my problem.  I didn’t see nuthin’.

Round 16

	Team	Pick
13	Jeremy	Giants D/ST
14	Me	Matt Bryant
15	Steve K.	Jason Campbell
16	Josh	Josh Brown
17	Rex	Mike Williams (TB) (K)
18	Seth and Aaron	Alex Henery
19	Steve J.	Deion Branch
20	Mike	Adam Vinatieri
21	George	Andy Dalton
22	Ryan	BenJarvus Green-Ellis (K)
23	Kyran	Steve Smith (PHI)
24	David	LeGarrette Blount (K)

 

Thoughts: Another draft done!  Year six has begun!  Kyran makes one last bold attempt at value, taking Steve Smith, who may or may not have a chronic deadly disease.  I like the Deion Branch pick by Steve J. who is wondering why his mouth is so dry.

Either way, I’m exhausted (in the past and the present), but looking forward to a better season than last one.  Hopefully all the jerks in my league agree; come back soon for more blogs and league activity!  I won’t even think you are a loser for reading about a fantasy football league you don’t even participate in!  And league members, I salute you for a great draft, minus those that didn’t show up.  You guys are dicks, see above.