Let’s just dive right in, shall we?
RESULTS:
Christopher Walken Cowbells (1-0) obliterates Munich Beerswillers (0-1), 134 – 112
No UR Gay! managed to stop slap-fighting long enough to beat Show me ur TD’s!, 129 – 124, in the “Ill-placed Exclamation Point Bowl 2011″.
The Sh*tBirds defeated Better Lucky Than Good, 176-143 to open up their title defense in manly fashion.
Price Check on Vagiclean demolished Beertap Hooters, 134-110.
Mike Vick’s Kibbles N’ Bits destroyed BradyIsBeiber! BieberIsBrady!, 130 – 115. Josh, change your team name. I demand it. I’m not typing this shit all season.
Googley Eyes beat AutoReply: Out of Office 165-133.
Weekly Brilliance
- Me, for picking up the 49ers defense and counting on Tavaris Jackson being Tavaris Jackson, to the tune of 24 points
- TD’s, for starting Tomlison over Ingram for 14 points (vs. Ingram’s 4) in a move that I would’ve easily ridiculed pre-game (which is one reason why I’m an idiot.)
- GAY, for not blinking and starting Reggie Wayne despite the impending Kerry Collins horror-show.
- Vagiclean, for starting Nate Burleson (13 points) when….actually, scratch this. He has nothing better on his bench. Burleson is his legit #2. Christ.
- Kibbles, for starting Ronnie Brown (0 points) but still managing to beat Santia.
- The whole league, for producing matchups like “On Vagiclean @ Hooters” and “UR TD’s @ GAY”. Well done, league. Well done indeed.
Let’s go ahead and give this initial one to me, in the hopes it’ll defy all conventional logic and spur me to my first ever league championship.
Weekly Fuckup
- Kibbles, for starting Ronnie Brown at RB. This combined with his presence in the good move list will hopefully create a singularity that’ll swallow up his whole team.
- Bieber, for starting Bradford at QB against……wait, he only has one QB? Change this to: Santia, for only having one QB. You can’t trade with Kyran? He’s got three!
- Jainchills, for having to start James Starks. OK, so this is a reach, I admit, but in year six, we only have a couple clearly identifiable dummies in the league, so I have to round this out somehow.
I’m going to give this one to Josh, the idea being that I already penalized Kyran for his historically bad draft in my draft review and anything more would feel – well, cheap.
All-Play
You guys know the drill – the All Play is a running, not-so-constant feature that I do when I don’t want to write a blog but still want to placate you whining nitwits. However, as a sign of my unending committment to you, I am adding it as a weekly feature to the blog – that is, so long as I actually do it.
For those unfamiliar, the All-Play is simple: week to week, I simply calculate a record of 11 games based on each team’s scores – basically treating it like a true roto-league, in which every team ‘plays’ every other team. In a perfect world, these cummulative records would exactly mirror the weekly standings.
But they don’t. And that’s what makes it possible to talk to Jeremy at any point in the week, about anything, and have him say random things like, “You know I’ve scored the 3rd most points in the league up until this point and I’m 3-3! What the FUCK??” as he sobs into a frilly pink hanky while frantically shoving frozen breakfast sausage patties into his gaping pie-hole.
So here it is, for Week 1:
| Team | Total Score | Wins | Losses | Ties |
| The Sh*tBirds |
176 |
11 |
0 |
0 |
| Googley Eyes |
165 |
10 |
1 |
0 |
| Better Lucky Than Good |
143 |
9 |
2 |
0 |
| Christopher Walken Cowbells |
134 |
7 |
3 |
1 |
| Price Check on Vagiclean |
134 |
7 |
3 |
1 |
| AutoReply: Out of Office |
133 |
6 |
5 |
0 |
| Mike Vick’s Kibbles and Bits |
130 |
5 |
6 |
0 |
| No UR Gay! |
129 |
4 |
7 |
0 |
| Show Me Your TD’s! |
124 |
3 |
8 |
0 |
| BradyIsBieber! |
115 |
2 |
9 |
0 |
| Munich Beerswillers |
112 |
1 |
10 |
0 |
| Beertap Hooters |
110 |
0 |
11 |
0 |
Interesting Trends
I can’t tell you how many times I was ready to put someone on the FuckUp of the Week list because I saw a QB on their bench that put up 30+, only to find out their starting QB did the same thing. It appears that of the 32 starting QB’s in the league, around 27 of them threw for over 300 yards this week. Ben Roethlisberger, my QB, was not among those numbers. And Kyran, that doesn’t mean that drafting 3 was a good idea. Josh, also not a good idea to only draft one. I’m just sayin’.
Not working at <place I used to work> anymore, there is a bit of a sense of loss since I am no longer bombarded with retardiation (a made up word!) at a nuclear-meltdown level from Jeremy every day. Ryan left a couple years back, so there was loss then as well, as he would no longer stop by my cube on Tuesday morning, resplendent in his pasties, attempting to grind up on me as I tried to fix the latest production outage.
Ah, the good times.
Suffice to say, this may make for a slightly disjointed season, as my main means of communication with the rest of the league will be via email and text, and quite frankly it’s difficult to sort through all your spelling errors and grammatical screwery. Jeremy texted me earlier saying someone offered to trade him someone for ‘bees’. “Bees??”, I replied – I know our league rules are complex but I didn’t recall putting that rule in there.
“I’ll trade you Robert Meachem for Reggie Bush!”
“I need more than that!”
“What about a hive of BEES, mother fucker?”
“I do like honey…..”
Brees, of course. Brees.
So I’m going to count on all of you to notify me of any serious screw ups this year, since I won’t be present to view them myself. And Jeremy, kick (former league member Crusty) Carl for me. It’s the least you can do.
Until next week,
The Commish
