I’ll bet you all thought I wouldn’t be back. Well, shame on you. I’m just adjusting to my new-found winning ways – if by ‘adjusting’, one means, ‘realizing I’ve scored the 2nd least points in the league this far and am living on borrowed time’.
Suffice to say, I’m excited about my impending 4-game losing streak.
As you are all painfully aware, I left <former job> last April to start <new job> in which I was farmed out to <current job> – it’s all very confusing. It can’t be possible to understate that there is no equivalent experience to working with Jeremy, and then all of a sudden not working with Jeremy. Or Carl, Former Crusty League Member, for that matter. As any longtime reader of my blog can attest, Carl has taken his fair share of shots on these pages until he unceremoniously quit the league because he missed the keeper deadline a couple years back. Since then, the blog has clearly suffered, as no one in the league is quite….well…..short as Carl. For instance, no one else is at risk for being carried off by predatory birds, and fed to lil’ predatory bird-lings.
That entire paragraph was just me getting that out of my system. We miss you, Carl.
Anyhow, during football season Tuesday mornings were always relegated to Jeremy, myself, and other associated league members insulting one another, wrangling for trades, or discussing exactly what sport Kyran thought we were playing. Now, that’s all dead – done – gone. Jeremy and I have tried to keep it up via text, but it isn’t the same – and largely it’s because the spell check on the IPhone is out-of-freaking-control, leading to exchanges like this:
Me: Your team sucks.
Jeremy: Haha, brontosaurus, your team skunks!
Me: You are going to Winifred murder five grapes this year.
Jeremy: I don’t know what you just salad.
Me: You wanna trade for Germ Macaroni?
Jeremy: Purple carpel rutabaga engine block!
Me: ?
That being said, I do appreciate the fact that the IPhone has learned to capitalize ‘Doosh’ automatically, out of respect. Still, I wistfully long for the old days, when I was making less money but got to hear Jeremy scream, “HuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!” at random times during the day with no warning. It was a good trade off.
We all know the records, right? Since this is a Week 2/ Week 3 mega-blog, I don’t know if I really need to type them all out. Suffice to say, some folks lost, some folks won, some were happy, some were sad, etc . etc.
Week 2 Weekly Brilliance:
- Jeremy, for picking up Scott Chandler off the waiver-wire scrap heap and starting him at TE to the tune of 9 points, when Vernon Davis was what I thought was the only real advantage I had (3 points. Fuck you, Vernon).
- Seth and Aaron, for starting Darren Sproles (19 points). I probably would not have done this, and yes, it does occur to me that I’m probably not equipped to hand out awards like this. Start your own damn league.
- Kyran, for starting Nate Burleson to the tune of 16 points. Yes, he didn’t have any other viable options, but I can be a nice guy – right?
- Mike, for starting Tony Gonzalez for 27 points after I referred to him as “Grandpa Tony” during our draft. Again, I just work here.
Let’s give it to Kyran, who I suspect will not sniff this section for the rest of the season.
Week 2 Fuck-up:
- Rex, for starting Hines Ward (7 points) instead of Santonio Holmes (13 points).
- Kyran, for having CJ Spiller as your #2 RB. No, I still can’t get past it. I just can’t.
- Steve J. for starting LaDanian Tomlison for 1 point. What is this, 2006?
- Me, for my whole team. Just all of it.
We’ll give this one to Kyran, just to be cute about it.
Week 3 Weekly Brilliance:
- Not even going to go here. Too many screw-ups to get to.
Winner: No one.
Week 3 Fuck-up:
- Mike, for starting Mario Manningham, who didn’t play because he was injured. He was listed as ‘doubtful’ on Friday, so, uh, way to be, Mike. Maybe ease up on all your Euro-trash shit and pay attention a bit.
- Rex, for starting Beanie Wells to the tune of 0 points – ‘cause he didn’t play either. Not as egregious as Mike’s offense since Wells actually was a legit game time decision at 4:15 and it was a bit of a surprise he didn’t play – but still………
- Steve K. for getting cute and starting Cam Newton for 17 points, leaving Joe Flacco (44 points) and Eli Manning (36 points) on his bench. Oh, and, for having 3 QB’s. Doosh.
Is there any doubt? Mike takes this one in a landslide. It wasn’t even close. Everyone who had a vote (me) was unanimous (again, me).
ALL PLAY thru Week 3
And here’s the All-Play record through Week 3:
| Team |
Wins |
Losses |
Ties |
Actual Record |
| Price Check on Vagiclean |
27 |
5 |
1 |
3-0 |
| Better Lucky Than Good |
25 |
7 |
1 |
2-1 |
| Beertap Hooters |
22 |
11 |
0 |
2-1 |
| The Sh*tBirds |
19 |
13 |
1 |
2-1 |
| No UR Gay! |
18 |
15 |
0 |
1-2 |
| Googley Eyes |
17 |
16 |
0 |
2-1 |
| Mike Vick’s Kibbles and Bits |
16 |
17 |
0 |
1-2 |
| AutoReply: Out of Office |
14 |
19 |
0 |
1-2 |
| BradyIsBieber! |
13 |
19 |
1 |
1-2 |
| Show Me Your TD’s! |
12 |
20 |
1 |
1-2 |
| Christopher Walken Cowbells |
9 |
23 |
1 |
2-1 |
| Munich Beerswillers |
3 |
30 |
0 |
0-3 |
Sing it with me – one of these things, doesn’t belong……..
What do we learn from this? That Steve K. is magic. That no matter what he does, no matter who is injured, no matter what year it is – he’s close to the top. Magic.
Trade Review
Beeeeeep! Alert! We had a trade! While again I reiterate I have never won anything in this league and in fact am historically one of the more underperforming members – that’s never stopped me before.
This week, league bottom-feeder Kyran and serial penis-smacker Ryan synched up for the following transaction:
Kyran trades Matt Schaub , Chad Ochocinco and a tube of heat-activated anal lube to Ryan.
Ryan trades Mike Vick, Shonn Greene and every last shred of dignity to Kyran.
See if you can guess who I think came out on top.
New Stuff
I’ve also come up with some nifty metrics that I wanted to share, tied to some new awards. This largely stems from Steve K. whining to me about the time 3 years ago when he lost to the high score around 4 times in the course of one season and I haven’t been able to get him to shut up about it since then.
So, we have two new awards, but they will not be given out every week as explained below:
The “Poor Schmuck” Award: Given to a team in a week in which they score the second highest points – but lose to the high score.
The “Lucky Asshole” Award: Given to the team in a week in which they score the second lowest points – but beat the low score.
And for all that hoopla – this hasn’t actually happened yet as of Week 3. But I’m watching!
In addition to that – and this stems from Jeremy’s endless moaning about how he’s always scoring the most points but never winning and can’t someone just please help him open this clam with his bare feet – I wanted to try and find a way to calculate ‘lucky’ on a weekly basis. I came up with basically a simple ratio: dividing the total points so far allowed into the total points scored per team. The bigger the number, the larger the difference in their points for and points against – hence, the ‘luckiest’. I’ve posted the results below, again next to the actual records:
Name ‘Luckiness’ Record
| Name | ‘Luckiness’ | Record |
| George Vaginitis | 1.31 | 3-0 |
| Jeremy: | 1.11 | 2-1 |
| Rex: | 1.11 | 2-1 |
| Steve K: | 1.1 | 2-1 |
| Ryan: | 1.05 | 2-1 |
| Me: | 1.01 | 2-1 |
| Josh: | 0.97 | 1-2 |
| Steve J: | 0.94 | 1-2 |
| Aaron and Seth: | 0.91 | 1-2 |
| Kyran: | 0.87 | 1-2 |
| David: | 0.85 | 1-2 |
| Mike: | 0.79 | 0-3 |
Well there you have it – the ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots’ , neatly separated. Of course, one might argue that luck isn’t all of it; obviously, the more points you score the better chance you have to get a better ‘Luckiness’ stat. However, that does not explain why George Vaginitis, while in fact scoring the third most points of anyone, has only the 2nd least points scored against him. Who has the least, you may ask?
Why that’d be me. Buckle up, bitches. I’m gonna win this thing.
