Suffice to say, I’m excited about my impending 4-game losing streak.

As you are all painfully aware, I left <former job> last April to start <new job> in which I was farmed out to <current job> – it’s all very confusing.  It can’t be possible to understate that there is no equivalent experience to working with Jeremy, and then all of a sudden not working with Jeremy.  Or Carl, Former Crusty League Member, for that matter.  As any longtime reader of my blog can attest, Carl has taken his fair share of shots on these pages until he unceremoniously quit the league because he missed the keeper deadline a couple years back.  Since then, the blog has clearly suffered, as no one in the league is quite….well…..short as Carl.  For instance, no one else is at risk for being carried off by predatory birds, and fed to lil’ predatory bird-lings. 

That entire paragraph was just me getting that out of my system.  We miss you, Carl.

Anyhow, during football season Tuesday mornings were always relegated to Jeremy, myself, and other associated league members insulting one another, wrangling for trades, or discussing exactly what sport Kyran thought we were playing.  Now, that’s all dead – done – gone.  Jeremy and I have tried to keep it up via text, but it isn’t the same – and largely it’s because the spell check on the IPhone is out-of-freaking-control, leading to exchanges like this:

Me: Your team sucks.

Jeremy: Haha, brontosaurus, your team skunks!

Me: You are going to Winifred murder five grapes this year.

Jeremy: I don’t know what you just salad.

Me: You wanna trade for Germ Macaroni?

Jeremy: Purple carpel rutabaga engine block!

Me: ?

That being said, I do appreciate the fact that the IPhone has learned to capitalize ‘Doosh’ automatically, out of respect.  Still, I wistfully long for the old days, when I was making less money but got to hear Jeremy scream, “HuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!” at random times during the day with no warning.  It was a good trade off.

We all know the records, right?  Since this is a Week 2/ Week 3 mega-blog, I don’t know if I really need to type them all out.  Suffice to say, some folks lost, some folks won, some were happy, some were sad, etc . etc.

Week 2 Weekly Brilliance:

-          Jeremy, for picking up Scott Chandler off the waiver-wire scrap heap and starting him at TE to the tune of 9 points, when Vernon Davis was what I thought was the only real advantage I had (3 points.  Fuck you, Vernon).

-          Seth and Aaron, for starting Darren Sproles (19 points).  I probably would not have done this, and yes, it does occur to me that I’m probably not equipped to hand out awards like this.  Start your own damn league.

-          Kyran, for starting Nate Burleson to the tune of 16 points.  Yes, he didn’t have any other viable options, but I can be a nice guy – right?

-          Mike, for starting Tony Gonzalez for 27 points after I referred to him as “Grandpa Tony” during our draft.  Again, I just work here.

Let’s give it to Kyran, who I suspect will not sniff this section for the rest of the season.

Week 2 Fuck-up:

-          Rex, for starting Hines Ward (7 points) instead of Santonio Holmes (13 points). 

-          Kyran, for having CJ Spiller as your #2 RB.  No, I still can’t get past it.  I just can’t.

-          Steve J. for starting LaDanian Tomlison for 1 point.  What is this, 2006?

-          Me, for my whole team.  Just all of it.

We’ll give this one to Kyran, just to be cute about it.

Week 3 Weekly Brilliance:

-          Not even going to go here.  Too many screw-ups to get to.

Winner: No one.

Week 3 Fuck-up:

-          Mike, for starting Mario Manningham, who didn’t play because he was injured.  He was listed as ‘doubtful’ on Friday, so, uh, way to be, Mike.  Maybe ease up on all your Euro-trash shit and pay attention a bit.

-          Rex, for starting Beanie Wells to the tune of 0 points – ‘cause he didn’t play either.  Not as egregious as Mike’s offense since Wells actually was a legit game time decision at 4:15 and it was a bit of a surprise he didn’t play – but still………

-          Steve K. for getting cute and starting Cam Newton for 17 points, leaving Joe Flacco (44 points) and Eli Manning (36 points) on his bench.  Oh, and, for having 3 QB’s.  Doosh.

Is there any doubt?  Mike takes this one in a landslide.  It wasn’t even close.  Everyone who had a vote (me) was unanimous (again, me). 

ALL PLAY thru Week 3

And here’s the All-Play record through Week 3:

Sing it with me – one of these things, doesn’t belong……..

What do we learn from this?  That Steve K. is magic.  That no matter what he does, no matter who is injured, no matter what year it is – he’s close to the top.  Magic.

Trade Review

Beeeeeep!  Alert!  We had a trade!  While again I reiterate I have never won anything in this league and in fact am historically one of the more underperforming members – that’s never stopped me before.

This week, league bottom-feeder Kyran and serial penis-smacker Ryan synched up for the following transaction:

Kyran trades Matt Schaub , Chad Ochocinco and a tube of heat-activated anal lube to Ryan.

Ryan trades Mike Vick, Shonn Greene and every last shred of dignity to Kyran.

See if you can guess who I think came out on top.

New Stuff

I’ve also come up with some nifty metrics that I wanted to share, tied to some new awards.  This largely stems from Steve K. whining to me about the time 3 years ago when he lost to the high score around 4 times in the course of one season and I haven’t been able to get him to shut up about it since then. 

So, we have two new awards, but they will not be given out every week as explained below:

The “Poor Schmuck” Award: Given to a team in a week in which they score the second highest points – but lose to the high score. 

The “Lucky Asshole” Award: Given to the team in a week in which they score the second lowest points – but beat the low score.

And for all that hoopla – this hasn’t actually happened yet as of Week 3.  But I’m watching!

In addition to that – and this stems from Jeremy’s endless moaning about how he’s always scoring the most points but never winning and can’t someone just please help him open this clam with his bare feet – I wanted to try and find a way to calculate ‘lucky’ on a weekly basis.  I came up with basically a simple ratio: dividing the total points so far allowed into the total points scored per team.  The bigger the number, the larger the difference in their points for and points against – hence, the ‘luckiest’.  I’ve posted the results below, again next to the actual records:

Name                                                    ‘Luckiness’                                          Record

Well there you have it – the ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots’ , neatly separated.  Of course, one might argue that luck isn’t all of it; obviously, the more points you score the better chance you have to get a better ‘Luckiness’ stat.  However, that does not explain why George Vaginitis, while in fact scoring the third most points of anyone, has only the 2^nd least points scored against him.  Who has the least, you may ask? 

Why that’d be me.  Buckle up, bitches.  I’m gonna win this thing.

RESULTS:

Christopher Walken Cowbells (1-0) obliterates Munich Beerswillers (0-1), 134 – 112

No UR Gay! managed to stop slap-fighting long enough to beat Show me ur TD’s!, 129 – 124, in the “Ill-placed Exclamation Point Bowl 2011″.

The Sh*tBirds defeated Better Lucky Than Good, 176-143 to open up their title defense in manly fashion. 

Price Check on Vagiclean demolished Beertap Hooters, 134-110. 

Mike Vick’s Kibbles N’ Bits destroyed BradyIsBeiber! BieberIsBrady!, 130 – 115.  Josh, change your team name.  I demand it.  I’m not typing this shit all season.

Googley Eyes beat AutoReply: Out of Office 165-133.

Weekly Brilliance

- Me, for picking up the 49ers defense and counting on Tavaris Jackson being Tavaris Jackson, to the tune of 24 points

- TD’s, for starting Tomlison over Ingram for 14 points (vs. Ingram’s 4) in a move that I would’ve easily ridiculed pre-game (which is one reason why I’m an idiot.)

- GAY, for not blinking and starting Reggie Wayne despite the impending Kerry Collins horror-show. 

- Vagiclean, for starting Nate Burleson (13 points) when….actually, scratch this.  He has nothing better on his bench.  Burleson is his legit #2.  Christ.

- Kibbles, for starting Ronnie Brown (0 points) but still managing to beat Santia.

- The whole league, for producing matchups like “On Vagiclean @ Hooters” and “UR TD’s @ GAY”.  Well done, league.  Well done indeed.

Let’s go ahead and give this initial one to me, in the hopes it’ll defy all conventional logic and spur me to my first ever league championship.

Weekly Fuckup

- Kibbles, for starting Ronnie Brown at RB.  This combined with his presence in the good move list will hopefully create a singularity that’ll swallow up his whole team.

- Bieber, for starting Bradford at QB against……wait, he only has one QB?  Change this to: Santia, for only having one QB.  You can’t trade with Kyran?  He’s got three!

- Jainchills, for having to start James Starks.  OK, so this is a reach, I admit, but in year six, we only have a couple clearly identifiable dummies in the league, so I have to round this out somehow.

I’m going to give this one to Josh, the idea being that I already penalized Kyran for his historically bad draft in my draft review and anything more would feel – well, cheap.

All-Play

You guys know the drill – the All Play is a running, not-so-constant feature that I do when I don’t want to write a blog but still want to placate you whining nitwits.  However, as a sign of my unending committment to you, I am adding it as a weekly feature to the blog – that is, so long as I actually do it. 

For those unfamiliar, the All-Play is simple: week to week, I simply calculate a record of 11 games based on each team’s scores – basically treating it like a true roto-league, in which every team ‘plays’ every other team.  In a perfect world, these cummulative records would exactly mirror the weekly standings. 

But they don’t.  And that’s what makes it possible to talk to Jeremy at any point in the week, about anything, and have him say random things like, “You know I’ve scored the 3rd most points in the league up until this point and I’m 3-3!  What the FUCK??” as he sobs into a frilly pink hanky while frantically shoving frozen breakfast sausage patties into his gaping pie-hole. 

So here it is, for Week 1:

Interesting Trends

I can’t tell you how many times I was ready to put someone on the FuckUp of the Week list because I saw a QB on their bench that put up 30+, only to find out their starting QB did the same thing.  It appears that of the 32 starting QB’s in the league, around 27 of them threw for over 300 yards this week.  Ben Roethlisberger, my QB, was not among those numbers.  And Kyran, that doesn’t mean that drafting 3 was a good idea.  Josh, also not a good idea to only draft one.  I’m just sayin’.

Not working at <place I used to work> anymore, there is a bit of a sense of loss since I am no longer bombarded with retardiation (a made up word!) at a nuclear-meltdown level from Jeremy every day.  Ryan left a couple years back, so there was loss then as well, as he would no longer stop by my cube on Tuesday morning, resplendent in his pasties, attempting to grind up on me as I tried to fix the latest production outage. 

Ah, the good times.

Suffice to say, this may make for a slightly disjointed season, as my main means of communication with the rest of the league will be via email and text, and quite frankly it’s difficult to sort through all your spelling errors and grammatical screwery.  Jeremy texted me earlier saying someone offered to trade him someone for ‘bees’.  “Bees??”, I replied – I know our league rules are complex but I didn’t recall putting that rule in there.

“I’ll trade you Robert Meachem for Reggie Bush!”

“I need more than that!”

“What about a hive of BEES, mother fucker?”

“I do like honey…..”

Brees, of course.  Brees. 

So I’m going to count on all of you to notify me of any serious screw ups this year, since I won’t be present to view them myself.  And Jeremy, kick (former league member Crusty) Carl for me.  It’s the least you can do.

Until next week,

The Commish

“The Draft of Douch”

Welcome, one and all, to the sixth season of the BGTD Fantasy Football League, and welcome to the annual Draft Review!

Given that the Draft Review last year was just about the only thing I wrote about the league and all the gooballs that inhabit it, I’ll forgive your surprise that I actually managed to pull this one off.  But I’ve turned over a new leaf!  So help me, I’ll write something every week even if it’s just a grocery list, or a “Greatest Hits” compilation of all the stupid things Jeremy has said/done over the past 5 years.

This year, for what I believe is the first time ever, we return the entire league – so I won’t repeat the introductions I did last year (for those, see http://bgtdffl.wordpress.com/2010/09/16/250/).  This is good for a couple reasons, paramount among them because last year we had 4 new folks in the league: Kyran, George Vaginitis, Steve J. and Mike.  As they were new, I was timid about saying nasty things about them, like “Steve J’s head looks like a giant misshapen tennis ball” or “Kyran smells and drafts like a rutabaga”.  Part of the shtick here, you see, is to insult the league members, and when I’m down to only 8 of 12 options….well, it’s a little restrictive.  Such is not the case this year, I assure you.  I do this, of course, with the affection a caring parent may have for their one-legged, retarded hamster.  Come here, you lil’ hamsters!  Give the Commish a hug!

Note that, as always (or at least since Ryan couldn’t get a job), only first names will be used, to ensure gainful employment opportunities for one and all.  Nothing like going to an interview and being asked why there’s a site out on the InterWeb claiming you are a serial nasal-raper.  That’s a total downer, for sure.

So let’s set the scene, shall we?

Per the usual procedure, I had thrown out several dates way back in June for folks to chime in about as possible dates for the draft.  Every year this seems to catch people by surprise.  Yes, we draft each year, everyone.

Selecting a date is difficult because at this particular time of the year, half the league is still chasing their broken, busted-up boyhood dream of being a legitimate athlete/heterosexual man by competing in their local slow-pitch softball league (or, in the case of some of the league members who have no wishes to be with their families, ever, 5 or 6 slow-pitch softball leagues).  I don’t know a ton about softball, but from what I understand it works this way: some guy tosses a giant ball underhanded towards home plate, where some other guy jacks it over the fence, and then jogs around the bases.  Repeat this ad-infinitum, and somehow eventually the game ends with a score of 167-120.  Enthralling stuff – right up there with T-Ball.

We have two guys who are legitimately unable to make it due to where they live, so I made the mistake (once the date was selected) of volunteering to host it in an on-line fashion instead of having folks phone in and do it off-line.  Predictably, this resulted in at least 3 more guys who had previously committed to coming to the draft immediately bailing out and deciding to draft at home, because they are, for a lack of a better word, dicks.

The problem with the online draft in a keeper league is that keepers are immediately drafted for you in rounds 1-2, which doesn’t work for us since our league is way too complicated for that, and, in related news, I hate myself.

So, we had to scrap the keeper setup altogether and agree that we wouldn’t be morons and we would let the owners of the keepers draft them in the appropriate round, thinking this would stop anyone from looking at the draft list and saying, “Wait a minute, it’s round 8 and Jamaal Charles is still around and no one has noticed!  What a bunch of assholes!  I’m taking him!”.  This, of course, resulted in Jamaal Charles being drafted roughly 27 times by different people (including his rightful owner, 4 rounds too early).  I’m not making this up, and none of you should be surprised.

Although we were set to start at 6:30, we had a record 3 members of the league who logged in late due to ‘traffic’ (code for what I imagine is, “I picked up a tranny at a stoplight”).  It seems that the indignation of the rest of the league is inversely proportional to the apathy of the folks who don’t make it on time; the longer we wait, the more enraged everyone becomes until there are legitimate calls for a hit to be put out.  I am slightly more patient, knowing that if we wait for Kyran, it’s 100% likely a solid player will fall to me because he screwed up.  Cue diabolical laugh.

So that sets the table.  Off we go!

Round 1

Best Pick: A quick note to all of you familiar with FFL’s in general: we are a keeper league.  We can keep players drafted in round 4 or below and we lose that corresponding pick in the next year’s draft.  You’ll see (K) next to some picks here in rounds 4 and below, and that indicates the player is a keeper from the previous year (or often, 2 years ago).  Just a quick note so you don’t think this league is entirely inhabited by kindergarteners (when, in fact, they only a third of us read at that level).

Best Pick is always a tough one in the early rounds, as everyone drafts pretty much where they should (minus some obvious exceptions: see ‘Worst Pick’ below).   I suppose Chris Johnson at 4 is as good a pick as any at this point.  Suffice to say, we’re 4 picks into round 1 and apathy is already setting in.

Worst Pick: When Kyran picked Calvin Johnson with the 2^nd overall pick, I actually paused the draft to double check if he really meant Chris Johnson, so I did.  And, to his credit (or possible detriment) he indicated that, yes, indeed, he meant Calvin Johnson.  It was at this point that I realized Kyran was setting himself up for a truly legendary draft – something we’d all be talking about years later, like we talk about natural disasters, or antibiotic resistant gonorrhea.

Thoughts:  Ryan threw out the first insult of the night while prompting someone to draft quicker, calling this person a “Douch”.  I can only assume he meant “douche”, but this was excellent because everyone actually at the draft began calling each other “Douches”, pronounced “D-ouch-s”.  I’m thinking it actually makes a good formal title – kind of like, “Duke” or “Earl”.  I may actually refer to Ryan for the rest of my life as “Douch Ryan”.  It has a ring to it.

Round 2

Best Pick: I have to tell you, I just about blew up in my pants when Matt Forte was there for me in the second round.  I’m giving this one to me, and maybe you’ll understand when my season is over by week 7 due to a combination of injuries and my own incompetence.  You’ll understand then, if you have a soul at all.

Worst Pick: There are some to choose from.  I think Knowshon Moreno is going to be a total bust, and I think Dwayne Bowe has no shot of repeating anywhere close to next year’s stats.  But Kyran seems to be insistent on sticking to the ever-popular “Draft Guys Three Rounds Ahead of Where You Could’ve Gotten Them” strategy.

Thoughts: Softball talk begins and I zone out.  Something about Jeremy’s team losing and Aaron’s team winning, and then everyone getting together afterwards to trade MatchBox cars or something.  Jeremy prefaced his Stephen Jackson pick with, “I have this guy every year and I hate him”.  I think it’s going to be a great season.

Round 3

Best Pick: I like Josh’s pick of Wes Welker here.  Even though I’m reasonably sure he tried to take Ray Rice.

Worst Pick: Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne both go despite the fact that it was reported that Peyton Manning’s entire head rolled off his torso earlier in the day.  It will be interesting to see how well those players do with the immortal Kerry Collins chucking the ball on 3 weeks prep time in the Colts offense.

Thoughts: Kyran flies under the radar with a sneaky good pick of Brandon Marshall, and the world doesn’t implode.  Jeremy takes Jonathan Stewart, because anytime you can handcuff someone else’s running back in Round 3, that’s just a move you have to make.  The ‘cool factor’ of my team goes up exponentially now that I have someone named ‘Percy’ on it.

Round 4

Best Pick: I have a massive man-crush on Kenny Britt going back to last season, so I think I have to give this one to Jeremy – taking him in round 4 makes him keeper eligible for next season.

Worst Pick: As a not-so-proud owner of Ryan Matthews and Shonn Greene last year, I probably would not have picked them until round 23.  Matthews will be injured, Greene stinks.

Thoughts: Steve K, although owning Jamaal Charles as a 9^th round keeper, ejaculates prematurely and takes him in the 4^th.  We begin the keepers now, which is great because up until this point I’ve been  typing them into the chat window (all 19 of them) each round to make sure no one takes them.  Sure.  Fuckin’ likely.

Round 5

Best Pick: I think Tim Hightower could finish as a top 10 guy this year, so let’s give it to Marsee.  Have I mentioned, by the way, that “Best Pick” and “Worst Pick” are given out with no actual empirical thought except my own evaluation?  And did I also mention I won 4 games last year?  I just thought you should know.

Worst Pick:  Predictably, I hated Kyran’s pick of Ochocinco, but I think I hated Steve K.’s Collie pick more, only because the Colts are going to suck huge donkey balls this year.  Sorry, Mike.  It’s true.

Thoughts: At this point, Mike tries to take Ray Rice and then gets mad he can’t have him.  He also offers to chat, or ‘cyber’ with anyone who wants: the silence is deafening as we’re all pretty sure Mike is pantless.  More keepers come off the board, and I crack another blueberry beer – it’s kind of my thing.

Round 6

Best Pick: I liked Steve K’s pick here – not always that you can get a starting RB in round 6, even if it is for the Buffalo Bills.  Steve, still chastened from attempting to pick Jamaal Charles 4 rounds too early, has not said a word to anyone.  He may be crying.

Worst Pick: Ugh, where can I begin?  A lot of people shit the bed in this round.  Sidney Rice has probably the worst QB in the league throwing to him and the only good season he’s ever really had was Bret Farve’s miracle 2009 season.  Ryan Grant is not even the best RB on his team, but I forgive George because he’s rubbing pizza all over his chest by this point in the draft

Thoughts: .  Aaron left a couple rounds ago, but Seth is still compulsively texting him for approval, which probably mirrors any thousand times something similar has happened throughout their lives.  David, who is the only one sitting on the floor, starts building a train track out of Steve’s kids’ train supplies.  We just think it’s the cutest thing.

Round 7

Best Pick: In a move highly unusual for the reserved Seth, he pulls down his pants and rubs his sack on George to celebrate his pick of Starks, a round after George foolishly drafted Grant.  I can’t say I disagree with the tactic; in fact, the whole league is nodding silently in approval.  Someone had to do it since Ryan is remote this year.

Worst Pick: These middle rounds are where championships are won, and it seems a majority of the league is just giving up at this point.  There is no tape I can come up with that would point to any factual basis to say that there is an iota of proof in any way that Kevin Kolb is any good.  I wanted to see how long I could make that sentence.  Both Jeremy and Kyran take bullshit tight ends.  But Lee Evans is going to be garbage this year, so George makes it two in a row, and is now neck and neck with Kyran for Worst Draft.  But don’t worry, true believers, I have a feeling Kyran has some more magic up his sleeves.

Thoughts: Steve K. has still not spoken since being roundly ridiculed for his earlier pick of Charles; this isn’t like him.  Jeremy demonstrates how to take one’s underwear off while still wearing one’s pants; we are duly impressed.  Suffice to say, there is drinking that is happening.

Round 8

Best Pick: Is it odd that upon reviewing this round, I don’t like any of the picks at all?  That being said, I’ll give it to me because I think Tolbert will outproduce Matthews (again) this year.  I

Worst Pick: Kyran battles back and takes Ronnie Brown, almost daring George to break the kicker seal next round.  I’m convinced that Kyran thought that Ronnie Brown still started forMiami when he made this move – and, that it was 2007.

Thoughts: I believe it was at this point that Josh made a pick of someone else’s keeper (shock!) and then got up and went to pee (masturbate furiously).  I had backed his pick up but by the time he came back he had auto-picked.  He asked to back up again, but the league reacted as if he was the shoe bomber so I had no choice; poor Josh.  That said, awkward time to rub one out (although that, plus our actual physical presence, has not stopped Steve J. who has roughed up the suspect 4 times while sitting right next to me.  Awkward.)

Round 9

Best Pick: As much as I love lil’ Danny Woodhead, George decides to throw the ‘Worst Draft’ title by taking Michael Bush, which is a great pick given how likely it is McFadden misses games.

Worst Pick: Rex takes Kyle Orton as we all become desperate for backup quarterbacks, but Kyran’s pick of Colt McCoy takes the cake, if only because it’s his third quarterback and we only start one.  We are witnessing history.

Thoughts: Steve J. has fallen asleep; I’m trying to keep him from leaning on me because I can’t breathe.  The draft is actually moving rather quickly now, but I’m sure someone will fuck something up shortly to slow it back down.

Round 10

Best Pick: I love both George and Ryan’s picks of theNew England tight ends, so they can share this one.  I think one of them will lead the team in receiving, and the other in touchdowns.

Worst Pick: Tempted to hand this one to Mike for taking Good Ol’ Tony Gonzalez in his 36th year while both aforementionedNew England tight ends were on the board, but anytime a player drafted causes a round of “Who’s that?” or “Was that a mistaken” or “Is that guy playing?” – as Kyran’s pick of completely unknown Anthony Armstrong did – it’s almost required by me to assign it Worst Pick.

Thoughts: I don’t have any because I’m only 130 pounds and I’m two blueberry beers down.  Ok, fine.  140.  145, then.  Fuck you.

Round 11

Best Pick: Hines Ward at this point is good value – I don’t care how old he is, he’s going to have a couple good games.

Worst Pick: Everyone at this point is almost a flier, so it’s hard to say.  I’m going to give it to anyone who took a defense in a league in which defenses very rarely score above 15 points.   I know, Josh broke the seal a couple rounds ago, but I want to get this finished.

Thoughts: Despite the fact that we are only about an hour in, anytime someone takes longer than 20 seconds to make a pick people become downright hostile.  I’m sure at some point we all liked one another, but I think we made a wrong turn somewhere.  I’m crying a bit about that, inside.

Round 12

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: We’ve reached the point in the review where I condense everything, because I don’t remember half of what happened, and it’s a week and a half later, and it’s really hard to take notes on the stupid things everyone does while also drafting my own team and backing out picks because assholes keep thinking Ray Rice is still available.  Steve K. finally gets Charles, although I’m sure someone will request to draft him next round.  I like the Hardesty pick, and it gets a hearty round of “nice pick” comments from the league; David curls himself into a ball on the floor and rolls back and forth in joy.  Hate the Gabbert pick, because I think he sucks.

Round 13

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: More defenses are taken – you guys are jerks.  Kyran gets his keeper but tries to tell us he doesn’t want him anymore; I may or may not have made that up, but you’d buy it, right?  I like the Fitzpatrick pick here because he’s been decent anytime they turn the starter job over to him, and I hate Jeremy’s homer pick of Roy Williams because Roy Williams sucks and Roy Williams is fat.

Round 14

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: Hard to fault anyone at this point; people start taking kickers because a lot of folks don’t have picks in rounds 15 or 16 because of keepers picks.  I do like David’s pick of Marion Barber because he looked good in the preseason, and hate Mike’s pick of Golden Tate because no one named Golden has ever been good at anything.

Round 15

Best Pick, Worst Pick, Thoughts: More kickers, more defenses, people are putting their pants back on and packing up their shit.  Someone suggests we wake Steve J. up but he looks so sweet, we leave him there.  That, and I think Jeremy wants to put something in his mouth after we all leave the room, but hey, ain’t my problem.  I didn’t see nuthin’.

Round 16

Thoughts: Another draft done!  Year six has begun!  Kyran makes one last bold attempt at value, taking Steve Smith, who may or may not have a chronic deadly disease.  I like the Deion Branch pick by Steve J. who is wondering why his mouth is so dry.

Either way, I’m exhausted (in the past and the present), but looking forward to a better season than last one.  Hopefully all the jerks in my league agree; come back soon for more blogs and league activity!  I won’t even think you are a loser for reading about a fantasy football league you don’t even participate in!  And league members, I salute you for a great draft, minus those that didn’t show up.  You guys are dicks, see above.

It’s occurred to me at various points that we have non-league members reading our blog.  In which case, I’d have to respond with a vague combination of “Thanks!” and “Seriously, just stay away from me.”

Either way, I think it’d be wise to lead off with a brief introduction to the various members of the league, and some facts I made up about them.  Only first names will be used to guarantee employability later in life.

Better Lucky Than Good

Owner: Steve K.

Years in League: 5 (founding member)

Claim to Fame: Defending and only 2-time league champion in our league’s illustrious history.  Completely clueless to exactly how blessed he is in every aspect of his life.  Loves to talk on the phone; may be a chick.

Biggest Weakness: Engenders disdain as the main practitioner and inventor of the “Steve Trade”, in which he offers you <scrub he drafted in the 9^th round who had a good week> and maybe some Twizzlers for <your first round player>, and then demands you call him to negotiate.  Would be willing to spend 45 minutes haggling a hot-dog vendor for free onions if it’d save him a dime.  Assigns a zero-sum dollar amount to his time.

Biggest Strength: There are at least 2 suckers every year who fall for the Steve Trade.

Sh*tBirds

Owner: Jeremy

Claim to Fame: Has a unique disability which compels him to trade every member of his team after having them for only a couple weeks.  Has the patience (and fashion sense) of a 4 year old.  Very loud.  Sometimes cries out for no reason.  Should be screened for Turrets.  Once screamed the word “cunt” in a car with open windows for no reason and terrified a passing woman and her small child.

Biggest Weakness: Loud and obnoxious behavior sometimes causes people to label him with a disability, when in fact I’m pretty sure he’s just really, really stupid.

Biggest Strength: Lack of patience with his players gives him a 1/1000 chance that one of the 400 teams he’ll assemble during the course of the season may win a couple games.

Beertap Hooters

Owner: Ryan

Years in League: 5 (founding member)

Claim to Fame: Aggressive sexual predator.  Often works with no pants.  Liable to swat you with his itty penis as he walks by.  Totally unstable.  All, some, or none of this may be true.  Has a server farm at his house.  His dog almost died at one of our drafts.

Biggest Weakness: Funky, stank mojo incurs major injury on all of his team within the first 4 weeks of the season.  Drastically overestimates his own ability, which in actuality hovers slightly above 0, or whatever is the bottom of the scale.

Biggest Strength: People are concerned about him becoming unhinged or accidentally snorting them up his nose, so they’ll often make deals that don’t make any sense with him.

B.M.

Owner: Brothers Seth and Aaron

Years in League: 4

Claim to Fame: Seth acts as the GM while Aaron provides the finance.  This mirrors the real-life GM/Owner relationship in a surprisingly accurate manner, as Seth seems to despise Aaron and Aaron doesn’t seem to care, or even notice.  Also, Aaron will often override Seth’s more informed opinion in regards to personnel, enraging Seth in a manner I can only imagine has played out innumerable times throughout their lives together.  Aaron’s ignorance of actual NFL players combines with Seth’s compulsive research to form something of a gestalt that hovers around .500 year after year, with no chance of ever getting appreciably better or markedly worse.

Biggest Weakness: Aaron.

Biggest Strength: Seth.

Z’s Threesome

Owner: David

Years in League: 4

Claim to Fame: David acts as a foil to Steve, if by “foil” you mean, “repeated ass-rape victim of some seriously fucked-up trades that would’ve ruined any other relationship”.  But David seems to be a genuinely nice guy stuck in a league with a bunch of jerks, and somehow his teams perform year after year.

Biggest Weakness: Inability to discern when he’s being bent over a table.

Biggest Strength: Doesn’t appear to mind being bent over a table.

Maroney’s Construda

Owner: Josh

Years in League: 5 (founding member)

Claim to Fame: Josh lives in Boston, but doesn’t seem to fit in because he isn’t an obnoxious jackass.  Calm, cool, and collected, he nonetheless made perhaps the worst trade in the history of the league, giving up Michael Turner, Anquan Boldin, Peyton Manning, Jim Brown, Big Bird, the Corpse of Michael Jackson, the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota, and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni to Steve for a future 2^nd round pick and a ham-and-cheese sub.

Biggest Weakness: When Steve bats his eyes.

Biggest Strength: The ability to draft via phone.

Boats n’ Hoes

Owner: Steve J.

Years in League: Rookie

Claim to Fame: I’ve never heard Steve raise his voice beyond a whisper.  Rarely ventures out of his office.  Possibly slept through the draft.

Biggest Weakness: Cowboy Fandom already makes him a hated member of the league.  Orioles fandom makes him possibly suicidal.

Biggest Strength: Wispy facial hair.

Christopher Walken Cowbells

Owner: Me

Years in League: 5 (founding member)

Claim to Fame: Glaring plagiarizing of Bill Simmons.  Built league from nothing with my own two hands.  Doesn’t work for any of you.  Secretly has no idea what I’m doing.  Longs for the league to just die so I can go back to my quiet life.  Outside of one magical season, has done nothing of note and won nothing of consequence in 5 years, yet is comfortable ridiculing everyone else’s nitwittery.

Biggest Weakness: Dainty hands are better suited for gentle computer work than outside duties, making it a long shot for me to ever have my lawn mowed.

Biggest Strength: The best thing about me is I don’t have an ego problem.

Googley Eyes

Owner: Rex

Years in League: 4 (founding member, but took a year off to prove something or other).

Claim to Fame: Once had his right eye fall out of his head.  Most likely to gun you down at work.  Constantly vibrating with barely-concealed rage.  Loves running backs.  Doesn’t like that we can only have 4 of them now.

Biggest Weakness: Sometimes gets so angry he just passes out and can’t remember what he was angry about in the first place when he comes to.

Biggest Strength: Finally shaved his head after 4 years of pretending he wasn’t bald.

Dicks in a Box

Owner: George

Years in League: Rookie

Claim to Fame: No clue about this guy.  Given the draft, he may be brainless.  In which case, he’ll fit in nicely in the league.

Biggest Weakness: According to my records, the draft.

Biggest Strength: Ability to show up when summoned at the drop of a hat.

Mike Vick’s Kibbles n’ Bits

Owner: Kyran

Years in League: Rookie

Claim to Fame: Maybe one of the worst drafts by a league member I can recall.  Bounces off the wall with youthful enthusiasm, or maybe it’s cocaine.  Thankfully, I got his money first.

Biggest Weakness: I think its football in general.

Biggest Strength: His apparent tolerance for violent homo-erotic activities.

Munich Beerswillers

Owner: Mike

Years in League: Rookie

Claim to Fame: Likes weird Euro-trash shit.  Replaces Matt as our resident Wookie.  Has an irrational love for Indianapolis players.  Reacts violently if they are drafted ahead of him.  Liable to emit a stream of awful jokes via Live Meeting during a draft; thankfully, none of us can hear him.

Biggest Weakness: May be overall the biggest nerd in our league, and that’s saying something.

Biggest Strength: The sight of a giant German guy approaching causes all of the French members of the league to immediately surrender the week.

So there you have it – a one-hundred percent accurate roster of league members.  Remember the names, now, as you’ll be reading about all the stupid things we do when I write a blog once every 3 months or so.

And now, to the draft.  We assemble at Steve K.’s house in the evening, and I’m late because my daughter’s violin lesson went long.  This predictably caused an issue with my wife (something about being a good father, how this is more important than football, blah blah, other crap, blah), so I ended up at the draft late and already stressed out, to the point where I left my blueberry beer in the car.  Shit.

I also need to double and triple check the spreadsheet I was keeping of the 117 trades that were made in the buildup to the draft.  At one point or another, Jeremy occupied 6 of the 12 possible draft slots, finally selling out of the first round completely for a free haircut.

We set up in the basement and immediately began talking like sailors despite the fact that Steve’s kids were around.  We’re nothing if not classy.  We attempted to set up the Live Meeting to get Mike and Josh dialed in, but the video wouldn’t work, Jeremy couldn’t log into my computer, but he set up the meeting, but oh Jesus H. Christ I hate computers!  Suffice to say, the sight of 5 IT guys huddled around my laptop trying to make a video conference work wasn’t in the least bit ironic.  And every once in awhile, we’d hear Mike scream something like, “Peyton Manning!” or “Reggie Wayne!”.  We’re not sure if he thought the draft had already started or what, but I wasn’t going to ask.

We also ended up summoning George, our 4^th rookie this season, at the last minute due to some unforeseen circumstances.  I’m very excited about the rookies this year, because they already are more successful at the traits the owners they are replacing were famous for.

• Mike: Replaces Carl, and while significantly younger (by about 40 years), bitches just as much.
• Kyran: Replaces Dan, had just about as bad a draft as Dan always did, but needs to work on self-hate.
• Steve: Replaces Tim, already just staring into space.

Anyhow, by the time the draft started, most everyone was already 2 beers in and in surly moods.  Hopefully, that sets the table for you.

Worst Pick: In the first round, it’s really hard to make an awful pick, but the worst is probably Seth and Aaron reaching for Tom Brady, who in all likelihood will not be the #2 QB in fantasy this year – and I’m a Patriots fan.  I can’t fully ding Seth for this, as he made the pick under duress, if by ‘duress’, you mean “ordered by your brother to do it, or else”.  Seth begins digging his toes into Steve’s plush carpet like an angry, gangly ballerina.

Best Pick: It’s really hard to say, since everyone else picked just about who they should, given their positions.  Let’s give it to Kyran for his selection of Steven Jackson, if only because it’s the only time he applied any type of Earth-style logic to this draft and you can be sure you won’t see his name in the “Best Pick” section of the draft again.

Commentary: Nothing much to report, although Jeremy did launch into his seething, angry criticism of me a couple rounds earlier than usual.  This usually consists of me minding my own business, and him asking me how it’s going.  When I respond fine, he become agitated, barking, “What’s wrong?” at me a bunch of times before following up with, “Listen, you wanted to be the commish!  You wanted to run things, so here you are!”.  Meanwhile, I’m just trying to run a draft and I’ve got this Neanderthal hovering over me, reeking of ham and beer.  It was at this point where I remembered why I’m not sure I like this.

Round 2:

Worst Pick: I always love the second round, because it’s really an owner’s first opportunity to fuck up.  I’m going to have to avoid the temptation of hindsight here, since I’m predictably finishing this up after week 1 (fuck you, New York Jets).  Ahem.  Anyhow, I’ll give it to Steve J.’s pick of Dallas Clark, if only because after the draft, we were all cleaning up and someone asked when the first tight end was drafted.  I said the second, and no one believed me until Steve spoke up and said, “No, I took Clark in the 2^nd”.  And then we all got quiet and went home.

Best Pick: This is why fantasy football is all screwed up.  It would have to go to Steve J.’s pick of Steve Smith, since he was probably the last of the elite WR’s on the board and should’ve gone a couple of picks earlier – to the point that when Kyran asked for Steve Smith, I just announced, “Steve Smith, Carolina”, and he corrected me that he wanted the guy from New York.  Kyran, at this point, is already exceeding expectations.

Commentary: You’ll notice that there are some players with 2 picks in this round, and others with no picks; this is the result of some serious shenanigans by the traders in the league in a clear effort to put me in a mental institution.  I finally crack into a beer that I almost spill on me when Mike lets out a primal scream after Dallas Clark gets drafted.

Worst Pick: One of these thing doesn’t belong – anywhere near the third round.  Kyran’s second-round blip on the radar was nothing compared to the 3^rd-round incompetency detonation that was the TJ pick.  Honorable Mention to George for the Vernon Davis pick, and for Rex for wasting a 3^rd rounder on a QB when you had already kept one.

Best Pick: Jeremy scores hugely with the Arian Foster pick, who I absolutely coveted.  Jeremy is infinitely pleased with himself, and goes off into a corner to masturbate.  It was at this point things got weird.

Commentary: I believe it was after this round that Aaron amazingly made an appearance, having never been at one of our drafts before.  We’re all happy to see him, except for Seth, who shoots him a withering glance and goes back to studying up for round 4. Aaron looks at his team so far and makes a dismissive noise, prompting Seth to stab him in the face with his pen – in his mind.

Worst Pick: Oh my heavens, you wacky new guys!  George and Kyran both reach for guys that probably would’ve been there 4 rounds later.  I can’t kill George too bad since he came in completely cold.  Kyran, by this point, has begun typing and clicking feverishly into his Blackberry, for what at the time we assumed was fantasy info, but in hindsight we now realize was probably just porn.

Best Pick: Calvin Johnson was a keeper, so he doesn’t count.  I do like the Stewart pick by Rex, who suddenly pissed himself when he realized he was in round 4 and didn’t have a running back.

Commentary: Seth suggests Antonio Gates, and Aaron approves.  Seth beams.  I’m thrilled with Jermichael Finely, to the point where I think I may just prepend a “jer” to everyone’s names all year long, just for the fun of it.

Worst Pick: Beanie Wells and Ray Rice are keepers, so for all you who were screaming, “What the hell kind of league of retards is this?” – we’re just your average retards.  I can’t beat up on Kyran any longer, despite the fact that he’s assembling an incredible team if the year is 2003.  So I’ll give this one to me, because I just hate the pick.  I had to make it because QB’s from here on out are rough, but I just don’t like the pick.

Best Pick: Some gems here; Seth and Aaron get Ronnie Brown a round after Jeremy took Ricky Williams, which makes me want to go up and edit out that ‘worst pick’ from round 4.  But I love the Mike Wallace pick, who I think is in for a breakout year.  Jeremy is assembling a pretty decent team, which depresses me and causes me to crack open another blueberry beer.

Commentary: I should mention that Jeremy also got me hooked on Orange Blossom, a Cream Ale with orange added to it.  Leave us alone, we’re in love.  In other news, Steve J. is asleep, and Steve K., who is usually a chatter box by now, has been eerily quiet all draft.  It’s almost as if the constant ridicule leading up to this night actually got to him.  But don’t fret, League Members: by week 3, you’ll all have been offered a buttered bagel and a defense for your best receiver.  Bank on it.

Worst Pick: Ced Benson is a keeper here, so no counting him.  I really liked this round, so I’m going to give it to myself, for dopily taking another tight end in a misguided attempt to take advantage of the new rule where we can start a tight end at flex.  The lesson is, as always, I’m a douchebag.

Best Pick: Like I said, nice round.  Guys got some good value.  Kyran’s Cooley pick is a good one, but I really like Jeremy’s Bradshaw pick, as Bradshaw was named the starter the day of our draft.  In round 6, that ain’t bad.  I want to die.

Commentary: Jeremy is just so fucking pleased with himself right now, and I’m bitter and I hate him in his stupid clown outfit.  Steve J. woke up just in time to make his pick, and Kyran continues to fiddle with his phone.  Steve K. is silent, Ryan has taken off his pants, and Seth and Aaron are ready to kill one another.  Mike continues to make weird nerd jokes that we can’t even hear, and Josh just wants this all to end.  The mood is sour.

Worst Pick: Listen, anything you can get a glorified short-yardage back in round 7, you have to take him, right George?  Jesus.  I double-check to make sure George paid.

Best Pick: Oh, I dunno.  Is the season over yet?  Goddamn, I hate this, but Jeremy’s pick of Cadillac Williams is a good one.  The guy should get a pretty large workload, and that’s rare in today’s NFL.  Bile begins to rise up my throat.

Commentary: Software malfunctions galore; I dunno how Ryan ran this software for the last 2 years, but I wish I hadn’t offered to do it and run the draft at the same time.  This compels me to assign a Lieutenant Commish, but as I look around I sadly realize that no one has the qualifications – which consist only of a reasonable intelligence and a high tolerance for wanton stupidity.  But hey, look there!  It’s another beer!

Worst Pick: Josh, who is usually on top of his game, takes the first defense of the night about 4 rounds too early.  He’s driving to Michigan during the draft, and we’re hoping he’s not drunk as all hell.

Best Pick: Jeremy scores again with Johnny Knox.  This is the last year of the league, I’m calling it now.  Pack this shit up, we’re finished.  It’s the apocalypse, for sure.  I had no idea going into this write up that Jeremy had as good as a draft as he did, otherwise I can’t say I’d have gone through with it.  Don’t worry, I’d have come up with just as good as an excuse as I always have (“Uh, I just didn’t do it”).

Commentary: I hate, hate, hate my Donald Brown pick and slip into a deep depression, which is only alleviated when Seth and Aaron begin brawling over a train set and who gets to be the engine and who gets to be the caboose.  Boys…….boys!!

Worst Pick: Calm down, everyone.  Mendenhall was a keeper.  But, the run on defenses begins, as Steve K. takes the Jets and Seth and Aaron panic and grab the Ravens.  I don’t even know if these are bad picks or not, the fact that Jeremy of all people is having a good draft has plunged me into an existential crisis.  Is this real?  Am I real?

Best Pick: Ryan scores with Shiancoe, who could very well lead the Vikes in receptions with Rice out.  Ryan celebrates by attempting to violate the corpse of Steve J., who we are pretty sure is now legally dead.

Commentary: At this point, it’s almost 9:45 and we’re all punchy as we realize no one likes each other, at all.  Seth and Aaron and Jeremy all realize that they play in the same softball league, so this leads to a seemingly endless discussion of all things softball-related, from the diamond they play on to the various umpires and their characteristics.  For those of you who are keeping the Major League dream alive by playing in your local slow-pitch softball league well into your 50’s, I’m sure this was a riveting conversation, but Christ if I didn’t want to dig my eyes out of my head with a spork.

Worst Pick: Did you know that no tight end in a Mike Martz offense has ever caught a pass?  Ever??  I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I don’t like the Greg Olsen pick here.

Best Pick: Rex score some good value with Dustin Keller.  LeSean McCoy (damn, I hate typing his name.  Alternating lower/upper case letters!) and Pierre Thomas are both keepers here.

Commentary: Get your defense quick!!  Quickly!!  Hey, did anyone realize the 49ers were last year’s #1 ranked fantasy defense?  Neither did I until after the draft, so good for me!  Steve J. miraculously recovers and wonders why his pants are down; turns out Ryan is very loving.

Worst Pick: Well, Steve J. breaks the draft’s kicker cherry by making what will heretofore be known as the “Crusty Carl Memorial First Kicker Taken Too Early” pick, in memory of former league member Crusty Carl.

Best Pick: I like Rex’s pick of Kyle Orton here.  I do believe he finished in the top 15 at his position last year and that team is going to have to throw a ton.  See what I did there?  Throw in some legit FFL knowledge on you? It isn’t all about comedy, folks.  Actually, I’m not sure it’s ever about comedy if you ask around, but intent has to count for something…..

Commentary: It’s probably only 10:00 right now but it feels like it’s 3pm the next day.  David gets cabin fever and freaks out, threatening to eat us all until he realizes we have like 4 pizzas left over from when Steve K. harassed the pizza guy.  None of that happened, but I hadn’t mentioned David all draft.  Hi, David!

Worst Pick: Jamaal Charles is a keeper here.  Hard to argue with too many of these picks, but I’ll give it to Jeremy anyhow, if only because it was here that he realized he had drafted six running backs and five wide receivers, despite my proclamations leading up to and directly before the draft that we could only have 4 each.  That explains the ‘whoopsies’ in a couple rounds up there, as I had no choice but to invalidate those picks.  To Jeremy’s credit, he was cool about it, and also my software sucks, but it was a happy reminder that he’s barely functional.

Best Pick: Boy, I would’ve said Hardesty, but there’s that whole retarded thing I mentioned right up there……so we’ll give it to Kyran, ‘cause I think McFadden may be his #2 RB at this point.

Commentary: We’re all tired at this point; half of us only have one or 2 picks left due to keepers, or trades, and the other half is primed to waste 2 minutes and 50 seconds of their 3 minutes time limit deciding which kicker to take.  I hate everyone, but mostly myself.

Worst Pick: What’s that?  We’re still doing this part?  Oh my God.  When does it end?  How can you have a ‘worst pick’ in Round 13 anyhow?  Let’s go Julius Jones, because I hate him.

Best Pick: Loved David’s pick of Rob Gronkowski, because I’m a Patriots homer.  I also hate the fact that, at this point in the draft, I was sorry I couldn’t draft a fourth tight end.  I don’t like my chances this year.

Commentary: At this point, Ryan puts his pants back on, gives us the middle finger, and just up and leaves.  Steve J. is spooning with Steve K. and I’m not gonna lie: awkward.

Worst Pick: I don’t care.  At this point in the draft, we’re all just laying in the gutter, pants down…….wait, that’s only me?

Best Pick: Dexter McCluster, if only because he sounds like he’d be a great mascot for PopEye’s chicken – although they already have one……

Commentary: I think Aaron thought Matt Cassel was still a Patriot and took him.  People begin packing up.  Jeremy roles out his sleeping back to Steve K.’s horror.  Jeremy: “You shut up!  I’m movin’ in, whether you like it or not!”

Worst Pick: All of them.  Even if Miles Austin wasn’t a keeper, and I hadn’t given him up last year in a futile and ultimately failed attempt to win the league last year, this round sucks.

Best Pick: See above.

Commentary: Screw all of you.

Commentary: No best or worst here, as most were just longshot keeper picks.

At this point it’s about 10:45pm, roughly an hour and a half later than I would’ve liked the draft to end, but whatever.  We all get ready to leave, and Jeremy is brushing his teeth getting ready for bed.  Steve K. is troubled; I recommend calling the cops.  Steve J. is in a coma, and Kyran is wondering when the first game is and who’ll be pitching.

All in all, another successful draft in the books.  We’re all still in the honeymoon period at this point, convinced we nailed the draft and that all 12 of us have incredible teams (and the other teams all suck).  That, essentially is what fantasy football is all about: that initial euphoria, followed by the slow and inevitable realization that you totally blew it, your team sucks, and you have no real way to get any better – and you’ll repeat it all again next year.

I love FFL!

Carl:

Ryan:

Jeremy:

Commish:

Rex:

Josh:

Steve:

Jainchill Boys:

Carl - Magic Hat No. 9:

Ryan – Injury Prone:

Jeremy – The ShitBirds:

Commish – The Christopher Walken Cowbells:

Rex – Googley Eyes:

Josh – Maroney’s Construda:

Jainchill Boys – B.M.:

Steve – Better Lucky Than Good:

Carl (Magic Hat No. 9):

Ryan (Injury Prone):

Commish (Christopher Walken Cowbells):

Jeremy (The ShitBirds):

Steve (Better Lucky Than Good):

Rex (Googley Eyes):

Josh (Maroney’s Construda):

The Jainchills (B.M.):

Some Random Thoughts:

• Wendy’s is advertising some new chicken wrap nonsense by including the fact that it’s loaded with ‘natural cheeses’.  Last I checked, cheese does not occur in nature.  There is no such thing as natural cheese – by its very definition, cheese is unnatural.  When’s the last time you fell into a Cheddar bush or stepped in a wad of Monterey Jack in the middle of a field?  Shame on you, Wendy’s. 
• I was thinking (as I often do, to the surprise of no one) about Star Wars, and the fact that everyone was shocked when Padme Amidala gave birth to not one baby, but twins.  Shocked?  Really?  So they have lightsabers, faster than light travel, and laser guns, but no ultrasound?  I have serious concerns about pre-natal care in the Star Wars Universe, people.  Serious concerns.

The View From My Cube:

Carl will often make service calls for his McMansion and pretend we don’t know about it or can’t hear it because he lowers his voice and faces the far wall of his cube, hunching over like he’s got an impacted bowel.  It’s good fun.

A recent conversation went something like this – here are some lines:

Carl: “Well, I’m telling you, there is no light there.  It’s just not give any light.”

Carl: “No, it has to be the bulb.  There isn’t any light being given off.”

Carl: “I’m pretty sure it’s the bulb.”

This led me to wonder whether Carl was actually calling tech support to help him change a lightbulb, or what the hell was really going on, but I pictured some really interesting future exchanges Carl can have as he wanders his way through life.

Carl: “Yes, I’m outside.  There is water coming from the sky.”

Carl: “Yes, it’s cloudy.  It is cloudy, they are grey clouds.  Grey”.

Carl: “The water appears to be in droplet form, and it’s looks like…yes, it’s coming from those clouds.  An umbrella, you say?”

Or:

Carl: “OK, so I’m above the water now.  I am in a body of water.”

Carl: “Well, I started in an airplane, but not sure what happened to get me here.”

Carl: “Yes, there appears to be marine wildlife.  What again?  Sharks?”

Carl: “I’m not sure the plane could’ve crashed, Miss – well, there was a lightning storm, but still…….hello?  I need to speak to your supervisor.”

In other Views From My Cube, I have had a cough all the week as my family and I get over Viral Plague from the week prior.  I had to sit next to Rex at one point to look at what was happening with his computer (porn), and he immediately pulled out some hand sanitizer that looked like it was purchased before the Berlin Wall fell.  It was actually yellow, but didn’t include any of those nifty blue beads in it that typically signify some moisturizer or whatever; plus, I know Rex, and there isn’t a chance in hell he’d ever purchase anything but low-grade, take-your-chances, generic hand sanitizer.  The long and short of it is, I think this sanitizer actually defected and joined the other side of the fight.  Be careful around Rex, I think this stuff is harboring resistant bacteria or some other shit.  I’ve got a nipple growing on my hand and I’m not sure what the fuck is going on.

The Awards:

OK, so clearly, the winner of Weekly Screwing for Weeks 5-8 are all of you, for missing out on bloggy excellence.  As such, I am the Asshole of the Week for those weeks, for depriving you of said bloggy excellence.

Weekly High Score for:

• Week 8: Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 155.
• Week 7: Jeremy’s Sh*tBirds, with 165.
• Week 6: The Jainchill Boy’s B.M., with 199 (!!)
• Week 5: Me, the Christopher Walken Cowbells, with 158.

Weekly Low Score for:

• Week 8: The Jainchill Boy’s B.M., with 80.
• Week 7: Ryan’s Rookie Garbage Barrage, with 66.
• Week 6: Ryan’s Rookie Corsage Barrage, with 103.
• Week 5: David’s Z’s Threesome, with 66.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 8:

• Tim, for sticking with his 3^rd overall pick, LaDanian Tomlison, who finally put in that dominating, win-your-week-for-you performance we’ve all been expecti……what’s that?  He only scored 17 points?  And it was still by far his best performance of the year?  Oh Timmy.  Poor, sad Timmy………
• David, for starting Percy Harvin over any number of other options for 19 points.  Harvin has been a pleasant surprise.
• Josh, for trusting in Michael Crabtree for 12 points – he’s apparently already their number one option in San Fran.

Once again, a weak crop of options.  The joke on Tim is probably the most potent thing in this list, and even then I’m probably giving myself too much credit.  With the bye weeks in full-tilt it’s tough to come up with any really good moves, as lineups almost set themselves.  So let’s give it to Josh.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 8:

• Rex, for getting cutesy and starting Sidney Rice (8 points) instead of Marion Barber (12 points).
• Ryan, for starting Mario Manningham (who didn’t play) instead of Bernard Berrian, or Jonathan Stewart, or really anyone else who would’ve put up just a single point.
• Steve, for sitting Andre Johnson in favor of Lee Evans.  I know he had a bruised lung, but he played – and if he plays, he never sits.  Shame on you.

As always, you boys make more dumb moves than good ones.  By default, this goes to Ryan, as anytime you start someone who doesn’t play you need to be thusly honored.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 7:

• Z’s Threesome, for starting Ricky Williams for 29 points.  I’m reasonably sure that David wasn’t aware of what he was doing, and was just covering for bye weeks, but it’s slim pickin’s this week, for sure.
• Rookie Barrage, for starting Austin Collie for 13 points.  Wait – he left DeSean Jackson on the bench for 26.  Forget I mentioned this – just wait for the next section.
• Maroney’s Construda, for picking up Michael Crabtree and having the guts to start him for 10 points.

Let’s give this one to Josh, since he’s really the only option.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 7:

• Tim, for starting Eli Manning (12 points) over Philip Rivers (it doesn’t matter how many points).  I thought I was depressed last year when Tim won the league – I had no idea the depths of the depression I’d feel as I watched him lollygag through this season, feebly attempting to manage his team not in a manner unlike a slug trying to operate a stump grinder.  It’s really fucking depressing.
• Ryan, for sitting his beloved DEEshaun Jackson (as he affectionately calls him) and watched him put up 26 points.  For Austin Collie?   Really?

Tim takes this one – not even close.  That’s not to take away from Ryan’s ineptitude, however.  Don’t get me wrong.

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 6:

• Tim, for starting Mohamed Massaquoi for 13 points.  Eh?  Tory Holt had 20 on his bench?  And Devin Hester had 15?  And only a rube would put any level of trust in the Cleveland Brown’s passing game?
• Ryan, for not starting Mark “The Sanchise” Sanchez for -5 points.  And the way he was talking about him earlier, believe me, this was a possibility.  Oral Pleasure is on the table if Ryan runs into Sanchez in person after Week 2.  I’m certain of it.  At the very least, inappropriate touchies.

I guess this has to go to Ryan by default, right?  At the very least for avoiding the cock of the Sanchise, even if it was only accidental.  Only here could we leap from FFL to a gay tryst between Ryan and the New York Jet’s quarterback.  I’m not sure that’s a selling point or not.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 6:

• Tim, for starting Eli Manning over Philip Rivers.  Don’t ever do this.  Ever.
• Rex, for starting Michael Jenkins (3 points) over Sidney Rice (28 points).

I’m sure there were some other bad moves, but really, do you guys even remember as far back as week 6?  We’ll give it to Tim.  Now, get into the WAY-Way-back machine….

The Dan “You Showed Up!” Award – Week 5:

• ME, for picking up Miles Austin on Saturday Night and starting him for 57 Mother-Effin’ points.  Words don’t do it justice.  It’s the Move of the Year, without a doubt.  Nothing that has happened since then has dulled the brilliant shine of this move.
• Steve, for picking up and starting Glen Coffee for 16 points.
• Who cares.  I win.

Seriously.  Stop what you are doing for a moment and appreciate the majesty of me.  For a minute.

The Ryan “I Hate Your Face!” Award – Week 5:

• David, for picking up and starting Derek Anderson for a -1 point.  And starting Jerome Harrison for 2 points and having Marshawn Lynch on the bench.  Jesus Christ, man.

• Dan, for not even bothering to start a kicker.  I know he’d like to just draft a team and let it ride, but this is taking it a bit further than I expected.
• The Jainchills, for starting Derrick Mason (0 points) over Brandon Marshall (26 points).  Really?  This was at one point thought to be a good move?  Oh – and also for dropping Miles Austin to waivers in the first place.

I know I usually give this one out to anyone who doesn’t start a player automatically, but the double-whammy of the Jainchills really does deserve it – so congrats, boys.

So where are we with the league?  I’m in the unfamiliar spot of sitting on top of it at 6-2, but the big news, I think, is the disparity in the divisions.

My division has arguably the 2 worst teams in the history of the league – Ryan’s Rookie Garbage, and Tim’s Dorothy Mantooth Saints.  Tim is making last year look more like a fluke with every passing Sunday, and we’re also going to need to re-evaluate Ryan’s skill set, as he used up all his Kharma Juice to get 6 wins out of an abysmal team last year and has none left to prop this year’s version up.

The point is, the other 4 teams in my division are 5-3 or 4-4 (sadly, I have not grabbed a hold of this thing just yet).  Making the (entirely reasonable) assumption that Ryan and Dan may not win another game between them, that’s potentially 2 additional wins out of 5 games left.

Meanwhile, in the ‘other’ division, the worst team is 3-5 (Dan), and there’s a 3 way tie at the top of the division.  It seems unfair, but I’m predicting here that someone is going to be very pissed off that we changed rules way back in Season 2 so that, after the division winners, the next 4 teams get in regardless of division; I’m thinking someone in the Hooters division is going to get left out.

Trade Reviews

As you might imagine, there’s been a lot of trade activity in 4 weeks.  Maybe a review is in order?

Googley Eyes trades Chris Johnson to Christopher Walken Cowbells for Steve Smith (CAR) and Ronnie Brown.

What else can be said?  When you have a shot to land a top-tier guy, you have to take it.  Smith had been a disappointment all season up until that point, and with Pierre Thomas and Steve Jackson as my other backs, I could afford to give up Ronnie Brown, as much as it pained me.  Steve Smith continues to stink, and while Chris Johnson is boom or bust, his booms can win the week for you (and has for me at least once).  With Vince Young under center, I think Tennessee focuses entirely on the run and Johnson has a great second half.

Z’s Threesome trades Wes Welker to The Sh*tBirds for Knowshon Moreno.

I didn’t know what to make of this at the time – seemed like an orange for an orange, two mid-level players at different positions.  But then again, the Pats had not exploded yet, and this now makes Jeremy look like a frigging genius.  That being said, Knowshon isn’t all that bad and is a keeper for a 5^th round pick next year.

Dorothy Mantooth Saints sends Larry Johnson and Devin Hester to The Sh*tBirds for Johnny Knox andFelix Jones.

I have to think this trade was made for bye week reasons.  Larry Johnson is awful, Felix Jones can’t stay healthy, and who knows which Chicago WR will go off on any given week?  The real story here is that Jeremy finally got Tim to trade again, and that’s something we can all be happy about.

Rookie Barrage sends Frank Gore to The Sh*tBirds for Terrell Owens, Laurence Maroney, and the Sh*tBird’s 2010 2^nd round pick.

You guys may have heard about this lil’ trade?

I’m reasonably sure I typed, between IM and emails, more than 10,000 words on this trade during the past week.  I’ve got carpel frigging tunnel.  I had serious questions as to whether doing this league was even worth it for my sanity.

Listen to me whine, I demand it!

So there are two schools of thought on the issue.  The first says that it’s an awful idea, it completely unbalances the league and creates an environment where you’ll have to give up a pick next year to win the league.  To a certain extent I see the point – but consider that largely the reason Tim won the league last year is because he traded Forte, on keeper value, for Peyton Manning and Clinton Portis.  So, what’s the difference, really?  He lost out on Forte for this year (although a time-traveling LaDanian Tomlison from 2006 probably couldn’t help Tim’s wretched, feeble team) and cashed in last year.  The restrictions on the trading should be enough to ensure that you don’t have to do it to win.

The other school of thought is that it’s better than Liquid Jesus.  I wouldn’t go that far, but at the same time I do see the benefits.  Someone gets another 2^nd round pick for next year, they can combine that with a keeper to get another first rounder, etc…..the point is, FFL, at it’s base, is very dependent on luck, more so than any other fantasy sport.  These rules, these complexities, remove a lot of that luck (but not all of it) by changing it from a seasonal game to one where you can think ahead to next season and can make moves that will help you win.  I, for one, like that.

The fact of the matter is, this is a complex league.  It’s going to be very, very hard to just draft a team and let it ride and win this thing.  Draft pick, keeper, and future pick trading is going to be a big part of the equation going forward.  Some of us are way into that – I include myself in their number.  Some folks just want to draft and set lineups – nothing wrong with that, but this league has gotten to the point where I just can’t see someone winning with that strategy.  Them be the facts, for better or worse.

As always, thank you for your participation and for your interest in the league; I always appreciate it, even when I’m bitching and moaning about it.

Good luck during the stretch run!